Grieving: My Concept of a Job

Apr23

Things have been quiet here. One reason is that I’m working on a website for my writing. A second reason is that I’ve had nothing positive or useful to say about work, redefinition or my learning.

Marty McConnell once said:

“I don’t own
enough rage for it all — I am
ninety-five miles per hour on I-81, sprinting
to track the tirade vibrating
on the next stage

is Anybody Listening?

I live
in search of a cause worth dying for”

Quoted from “Give me one good reason to die”.

I’ve realised I do own enough rage for it all. And sadness. And grief.

I grieve for the injustices of others. I grieve for the childhood, the university courses, the beliefs I had to teach myself in 2007 when I realised my father’s view of the world poisons everything he touches. I grieve for the promises I was always given about a career.

And I’m grieving for the processes I was assured about in my interview. I asked how they run supervisions, and I was answered by ALL THREE panel members; each with their different responses but all agreeing that it’s of the upmost importance and that as a new member of staff I’d get more.

I’ve had 2.5 supervisions in 4.5 months. I requested one two weeks ago, and got no reply. Today I asked again, and I was offered one in four weeks time. Three weeks and 6 days I guess, that’s as good as four weeks. Despite me crying at work last week and this week. Despite me being given a case load equal to other members which I shouldn’t have until my 6 month “beginner” period is up.

Things are shifting, things are changing and I recognise we’re all in this whirlwind – uncertain and insecure… But I am grieving for the beliefs I once held, for the lies I was told and for the loss of everything stable in my life. I’ve left my house, my friends, my partner to come here and do this job.

And despite being told by colleagues at my level that I can talk to them, I’m feeling about as small as I possibly could. I’m told to call their personal numbers after hours, and that I should take this issue to X person. Then X person says it can wait three days.

So here I am, waiting for the days to pass, trying to go through the motions and wondering if anyone is going to notice my crying at my desk.

Because no one did this morning.

Learning on the Job

Mar12

Two months have passed. I’m finally on the new IT system, with a work laptop for hot-desking, and I’m due to get access to the database social workers use.

In the last month, I’ve had to deal with a lot of challenging and overwhelming situations, which I term as “blips” when I cannot cope with them. When I cry during the drive home, I’m clearly not in a space to adequately handle my emotions – making the commute dangerous. When I have to retreat to the bathroom because I’m so close to shouting and swearing and enraged, I’m aware that I’ve neglected my work duties in order to maintain my mental health.

I don’t see these blips as punishable actions, but as a less-than-desirable experience, that I put down to my new-ness.

Communication

When talking to my colleagues about these blips, I’m constantly told that it’s “not a blip, it’s just all new” or “it sounds like you did everything perfectly. You’ve clearly got the potential for this.”

It’s definitely a comfort that the issues I’m experiencing are things felt by the rest of the team in their own ways.

Last Wednesday, I spoke to the senior practitioner, and she asked what I needed to make the Tuesday course run smoother.

Having spent five hours looking after children who haven’t got boundaries or understanding of “no”, we then sit in a room and talk about the parent’s progress for what has lasted a further four and a half hours.

This second discussion is very emotional, and requires everyone’s input and views on each parent. I find out about their back-story, what the children I’m watching must have experienced; and without a break (we eat lunch with the families) it turns out I just cannot process all of my own thoughts and emotions.

After both of the Tuesday sessions we’ve run, I’ve had to leave early, cried while driving home, and texted my partner to come online early. Neither Tuesday could I eat dinner.

Managing Stress

In both cases, on the Wednesday morning, I’ve been able to talk to a colleague about it. But for that Tuesday night, I feel like a complete failure at my job. A week in, crying is allowed. The true realities of the job hit home. Two and a half months, though…

It doesn’t sit well that the crying hasn’t even decreased a little.

But I have my laptop now, so the senior practitioner talked about me writing my thoughts down quietly in the corner and she even suggested I completely disengage and switch off from listening until I’m ready to process the new information. I was glad to find out she agreed with my concerns – that the sessions aren’t structured and there’s no proper time-keeping.

And whenever I bring up a concern that I’m not handling things as I wish I were; I’m told that I’m doing everything right, that I’ve done so well to enter the team at this time, and that they’ve not felt this busy and struggled this much in years.

Creating Gaps

All I can do is take each day as it comes.

Today I know I’ll have to ask that child to pick up the toys about five hundred times. I know those two babies will cry and set each other off.

And I know that I need to take my laptop into the meeting following. I know that I need to go to the loo and grab my belongings before I sit down.

I’m learning that I need to create a break for myself; that I need a time to process when no one else provides a gap.

– Rose –

Mental Health: Just Part of the Story

Oct2

Sometimes, I think of myself as an open ambassador for mental health. I talk openly about my OCD-type symptoms (in order to be diagnosed with OCD officially, it needs to cause me distress, and I’m happy to be pedantic, thank you), my depression and anxiety, my panic attacks and even a little about my background.

I talk here about my fears, my anger and how I’m overcoming limits in my everyday life. I came to create redefinition alchemy not by choice, but because I could no longer live the life I was living. I couldn’t go on in that state, with the perceptions I had.

More and more often I have been hearing comments that I’m so open about my experiences, that people wish more openness existed.

However, I feel I should tackle this mis-perception.

I am not open about the experiences which have heavily impacted my mental health.

The Appearance of Openness

It’s quite sad that people think to talk about depression makes someone brave. That means it’s still such a taboo.

It’s sad to realise that people think it’s special to talk about fear – something every human experiences.

Why is this not normal?!

I appear open because society thinks these things are abnormal (at best) or taboo to talk about.

I think it’s normal to discuss them, because I have my own list of taboos.

I have experiences so much worse than the ones I share here, that these mentioned scenarios are nothing in comparison.

I’ve written so many posts I never publish. If you think I’m being special to talk about my fear of the dark? Wait until you see the story about someone threatening to kill me when I was 14.

You think it’s a big deal that I write about panic attacks? If only you knew the two experiences which caused them.

Normality

Society, as I have grown up knowing it, sees norms as abnormal, and will go to any length to find difference in a race of beings who are the same.

Do you think mental health problems are abnormal?

1 in 4 people have them.

Do you think emotions are something only you feel? Does any human never feel fear or anxiety about anything?

All humans have the brain areas which cause chemicals causing emotions.

Do you know how many people have the deep stories of traumatic experience within them?

I bet every person has at least one.

These are conditions common to humans. And it’s been shown that talking helps.

So WHY can’t I talk about them? Why, people of 2012 do we not allow people to tell their story?

We in the Western world who condemn slavery and the separation based on race or gender – why is that wrong but mental wellness and mental illness are split down the middle?

Why is it inappropriate for me to say “yes, I’m afraid of cars – someone once threatened to crash the car with me in it, and even today I don’t know why he was upset”?

A Shift in Acceptance

Looking back at last week’s post; WHY must I be okay to drive just because John Smith likes driving cars and he’s my age?

Why can I not share that story with other humans?

Why won’t you speak out?

Are you so afraid to speak up?

I am afraid. But I’m standing up now.

And no, I won’t talk about the other incident or the other diagnosis. But I can tell you that every human being in the world has some experience of trauma, and that as I define it, every single person has experienced abuse.

So why don’t we take the time to change the stigma around mental health?

I’m ready to be heard.

Are you ready to listen?

– Rose –

Mental Health: Stigma Around Experience

Sep25

I walked home from the dentist a few weeks ago feeling hurt and angry.

It’s a feeling I’m familiar with; and I know how to deal with it. I put on some music and I spent 30 minutes on the swings* in the local park until a child arrived to play. Then I came home and had a large glass of vanilla milkshake.

* This is called “self-care”, by the way.

I know the emotion well. It’s the feeling of being judged by someone who knows nothing about me. And it’s a really big trigger of anger in me.

Omission

Ellie wrote a post a few weeks ago about how she wants to include more of her story in her blog; the links between the theories she uses and her life experiences. As I walked home, I had a similar feeling. I wish it was acceptable to include my story in my life.

I hate how ‘inappropriate’ and stigmatised sharing life experience is.

When I am judged for having panic attacks, or for not liking needles… when people say that “everyone else does it” about something I don’t like doing, as if I’m the same as them… It upsets me, and it infuriates me.

Because I know the power of having reason.

When you have a reason, when you can explain you actions ~ understanding, compassion and acceptance arrive.

The Power of Explanation

That girl who has panic attacks when people get too close to her? She’s not being “overly sensitive” or “a weakling”. Let’s say she was violently raped.

Would people maybe be more understanding if they knew?

That man who just cut you up on the road. He’s terrified of driving because he was in a car crash as a child; and his mother died from the injury. But he needs to drive to the hospital to see his dying wife.

When we can gift someone with an explanation, we can connect with them as human beings, having human experiences… and we can be understand, kind and accepting.

~ *** ~

As I write this, I’m angry because I can’t tell that man about my experiences. I can’t tell him that I was in hospital unable to eat, drink, or breathe properly. That each time I fell asleep, I began drowning in my own saliva. So no, Mr Dentist. I CAN’T let you cut off my airway. That throat has been traumatised and my reflex will not allow for this.

~ *** ~

We live in a society where being abused means being ASHAMED. Where being a kind person with a heart is “being weak” or “too sensitive”. Where if X can do it, anyone else her age and education level can.

I’m lucky I apply for jobs in mental health: where personal experience is a positive; where I can answer “when did you deal with an emotionally stressful situation well?” I can say “when a patient completed suicide hours after I told her I couldn’t help.”

I live in a society where I am told to “get over” my trauma. But that would mean I couldn’t be human, couldn’t care for others in the way I do now, and I couldn’t let life enrich me. I wouldn’t be LIVING if I didn’t experience and have those experiences change me,

I live in a society where I am told to “get over” my trauma.

And I’m saying No.

What are your experiences?

Do you have trauma you can’t tell people about?

Do you believe it’s right that we shouldn’t tell our stories?

Next time you don’t understand someone’s actions – could you gift them with a reason?

– Rose –

Self-Development and Speech

Jul4

Another course of Anger Management began last week. We talked about the motivations each member had for attending the group, and I grinned all the way home at the idea of so many 16-25 year olds I’ve met who were willing to come to a class and face the consequences of their emotions.

I never understood people who didn’t always seek to further their development. I still struggle with it – if you’re life isn’t as it should be, what can you do to take that step forward?

Political Correctness

I grew up around the phrase “political correctness has gone mad” and a lot of shouting about “freedom of speech means I can say what I like!”

And then I came to university, where people get offended, and where I suddenly have to respect everyone. I didn’t see a lot of respect when I was growing up, so this was a shock to me.

The policy of this group is to respect difference – no offensive comments about gender, sex, race, housing situation (e.g. council house and violence, travellers, homeless), sexuality, disability or age. We also try to adhere to a rule of ‘No Generalisations’, generally. I’ve become pretty proficient at picking up on generalisations actually.

The Struggle

I don’t get offended that easily by words (despite my last post). I’m happy with swearing, including being called a c-word, b-word, f-word and so on. It doesn’t bother me to be called them, and I find it odd when other people are upset by it. To me, it’s not discrimination in the way the previous words are.

Being called a “chav” or “gypsy” is a direct negative comment about your actions, who you are, what you do. Being told to eff-off isn’t anything to do with you; it’s about the other person wanting space.

I now get the difference, but it’s taken three years of working in this field to get my head around. Even the c-word isn’t said because you’re female or because you’re male; it’s said because it’s known to hurt you and the aim is to upset. Intrinsically, it’s no different from being called an “elbow”.

Understanding and awareness is the first step. Now I have the new battle to fight; the conflict between being able to say what I want (freedom of speech) and have other people say what they want… and respect my new lesson that no one should be upset by it.

The Phone Conversation

One of my strong views relates to parenting, as children are a big motivator for me. I want to teach and to guide; which ultimately leads all my self-development to be “training” for helping others. I sat behind a woman on the phone on the bus home from running the first class; and she said:

“Well you better make sure it’s done by the time I get home, okay? Or else I’ll get really mad.”

No wonder these young people arrive at anger management believing it’s bad and they’re bad people for getting angry! I could feel my own anger rising, my sense of injustice, and even some dislike for the woman who is causing her child to develop certain feelings for a natural emotion.

Her wording also bothered me. I speak a lot about language and how important different words are. I could understand “If it’s not done i’ll feel angry because you lied/I needed it done/ it means our relationship doesn’t mean as much to you” but that’s not what it sounded like to me.

It suggests to me “I will hurt you” – be that harm emotionally making you feel guilt, shame, sadness or verbally calling names (useless, trying to cause trouble) or even physical violence.

Who threatens another human being? I don’t get it.

My Views Arise

“I don’t believe it is acceptable to treat another person in that way.”

Last week I said “how dare she exist in that way of treating people.”
I’m noticing a trend in my world view. And Ben (the therapist at Anger Management) says, anger can be triggered by “any threat to a view we hold dear”.

I see people upset by drink-drivers, by animal-abusers, by child-abusers but somehow it’s okay to call other adults names, especially if you’re a different sex/race/age and it’s okay to use lying, verbal abuse and mental manipulation to get what you want?

I grew up in a black and white world, and I can’t understand these shades of grey people have created.

Understanding leads to Acceptance

I don’t understand humanity. I’ve done a psychology degree, I’ve now attended a total of six anger management courses (five co-facilitating) and I’ve gone on to work in mental health to get my head around the mental aspect.

Maybe I understand it too well – that we need freedom of speech but we shouldn’t negatively impact others. Maybe I see why X did Y, but why I’d do Z.

I’m stuck in this limbo between two principles I’m supposed to value; with no idea how I really feel about them; seeming to agree with them at different times.

Your Thoughts

How do you deal with conflicting values?

What are your views on these two subjects – freedom of speech and not hurting others with your speech?

– Rose –

Practising What I Preach

Jun26

This is a long-winded process through my anger with a sense of injustice.

I’m not angry. I’m furious.

We share something. She’s taken more than half.

Then she sent a message that I’m “being unfair” and “tough if I didn’t like it”.

Would that anger you?

Background Info

As part of my degree, another student and I need to share a single lab room. She has booked it out for 5 hours a day, 3 days a week. For the past month; that’s 60 hours. I’ve booked it for 28 hours in the past month. She was meant to finish getting 30 people by the 22^nd. She’s now aiming for 40 [which means I now need to aim for 40] and complained I’ve booked 4 hours on 25^th and 26^th.

Anger Management Techniques in Action

How. Dare. She.

Why am I upset with these comments?

I need it more than she does (she has more data).

She’s gone over her “half” of room bookings.

She said she’d finish using it by then.

The Conversation

All Lies? I asked her about these; trying to explain why I’d booked it then.

“I have more data because I worked my arse off”.

Wait. You say that as if it separates us. I’m taking this as an insult.

“You’ve booked it for a whole day”

You booked it every day for THREE WEEKS leaving me the slots only after 5pm.

“I decided to get more data so I’m going over my finish date”

What?!

And then the final straw:

“I’m going to our supervisor about this.”

WHAT?! You’re telling the playground teacher? HOW OLD ARE YOU WOMAN; SIX?!?!

Conclusion One: You’re a bully and you’re childish.

Anger Becomes Rage

You’re getting more data than me and that justifies ensuring I don’t even get ¾ as much as you?!

You’re going on holiday so are suddenly more important than me?

We had a deal that it was first-come first-serve. You’re going back on that now: when I kept to it even though you were taking more than half the slots in the first 3 weeks?!

At this point, I stepped back and had to breathe. I tried to find the light.

Assumptions

She must be really stressed; maybe she panicked.

No need to insult me, to be rude, to be a bully and tell me I’ll have to deal with it.

And I feel the penny drop as I come to my angry conclusion:

Conclusion Two: You are a dishonourable liar.

Even a memory of Mulan doesn’t break my emotion:

“Dishonour on you, dishonour on your cow!” – Mushu (Video Clip)

New Anger Arises

I’m so STUPID.

I never learn.

She said she was paranoid, I should have realised.

Why do I always get surprised when every human turns out the same; a dishonourable, selfish bully, only interested in their own gain and not a single thought of how they are negatively impacting others.

I’m angry at myself. I have only myself to blame.

And now I’m behind schedule, behind in the amount of data I’m aiming for, and I’m unable to sleep; crying in the darkness at this woman’s horrible cruelty and my own sense of injustice.

As I write this, I’m on twitter, half needing to vent and half wondering if I can access my support systems… and then I see this post on shame. I realise the irony of my shame over not “knowing she’d screw me over”. Shame and self-annoyance over not seeing the future, over being nice to her.

I step back from shame; finding my center again and coming back to the techniques.

Taking Notes

As I try to remain detached, to treat this anger as a curious questioning, I realise why I’m so upset.

I feel sick that people who treat others so disdainfully exist in 2012. There is no reason for humans to treat others in this way.

Final conclusion: No human being should be treated like this. I may be 15 years younger than her but I’m not acting like a petulant child.

Coping

The anger, I can cope with. I have angry music that specifically calms me down by the end.

Coping with seeing her is my difficult bit. How to not blank her, not punch her, not yell and swear at her. To not tell her how much she needs to grow up. I’m a good actress, but I hate lying.

Over a year of teaching anger management techniques, and I’m still not assertive enough to fully deal with this. I understand my anger, understand my fear – but I don’t know how to deal with this human being who destroys my worldview and backs up my conditioning that the world and the people in it are horrible.

Your Thoughts

How do you deal with anger?

Do you struggle knowing some people act in certain ways?

What would suggest in this case?

How do you deal with shame?

– Rose –

As phoenix rises from ashes into flame, the alchemist turns lead to gold.

Do you need to shine up your dreams and set alight your passions again?

The Alchemy Forge is fired up!

Controlling Your Fire: Part 2 – Choosing Your Actions

Apr27

This is the second post about my experience as a facilitator of an anger management course for 16-25 year olds, and the tips about dealing with anger.

Today, we’re going to deal with the preparation you can do to avoid acting out of anger, and the aftermath.

In case you missed last week’s post, “Dealing with Feeling”, here are three key points to know:

- Anger is a neutral emotion, though your action may have a positive or negative moral value.

- Anger is a useful emotion – giving you extra power when you need to fight or flee in dangerous situations (or in this day and age, letting you know that something is wrong and in protecting your values / world-view).

- Anger cannot be removed entirely (and there is no need to try). However, we can manage it. This means you minimise how often you act upon it and to what degree you act.

Okay, now that’s understood, let’s begin with preparatory actions for managing your anger.

Preparation – Maintaining a Base Calm

A trigger of anger is usually more than just about that one incident. Things have been building up over time and suddenly, you reach the top of the volcano and can’t help but erupt.

It’s a good practise to have methods of releasing small pieces of annoyance so that they don’t build up.

Common methods include:

- meditation

- reiki

- dance

- singing

- ranting (in a journal/blog/twitter/to a friend).

it’s important not to let them catch you up into the drama though; talking to an empty chair is just as good

- punching pillows

- yoga

- regular walks / runs

- massage

- play a game

Some of these techniques will also work during the moment of anger; but if you go for a walk once a week, take ten minutes a day to meditate and get a massage/reiki session once a month, your levels of stress will generally stay lower, which means your reactions to things that may cause anger will also be lower.

Question #4: What can I do for myself to release excess energy and chill out?

Perspective

Will this matter in 24 hours time? Or a year?

How long is your journey? Is it worth being in a bad mood for the rest of the day over? Will getting into an argument help?

Is this even about the situation which has triggered your emotion?

Some of the physical predispositions to anger include feeling ill, being hot, being tired or feeling hungry / thirsty. If our basic needs aren’t met, we’re more likely to react with anger.

Take a step back and see what this is really about, and if it really matters.

Question #5: Will this matter in 48 hours time? Is it worth causing a stir over?

Prevent A Future Situation

One of my most useful new practises since beginning the course last May was to speak to someone as soon as something bothered me the second time. This stopped it going from a one-night irritation to a full blown rage over the course of many nights, but also didn’t make it seem like I was complaining every time anything happened. Once I could let go. Twice and it became a pattern.

My new routine became:

- say what the side effect is, then say you think X might be contributing and could we come to an arrangement that means the other person can still be free but I don’t get the side effect:

“Hey housemate, how are you?
“Good, you?”
“Really tired. I couldn’t get to sleep last night.. worry, work, and at times your music was a little loud.”
“Oh..” (or sorry, or silence)
“I wondered if you’d be up for maybe setting a level or a time to finish music by, or if there’s something you could suggest that I do to alleviate this that wouldn’t mean disrupting your chilling out time?”

I’m taking responsibility that it’s MY issue with her music and that I’m willing to change how I act if I can. I’m also opening dialogue so she can realise that her music does affect me.

I’ve not called her a name, raised my voice or made any comment about her behaviour being “bad”. It’s also good to state about this making you FEEL something. Annoyed, tired, restless, anxious… people connect with emotions better than an abstract action.

Question #6: How can I approach this issue once it becomes a pattern?

Aftermath

- If you lost your temper, I’d suggest apologising. And explaining which action annoyed you, why (you could share your view with them?) and how it made you feel.

- If you got angry by yourself (and didn’t do anything to show them), then I’d suggest trying the above tip (6) after you’ve calmed down.

Mini-note: I often find preparing this conversation brings up the anger again. Tell yourself you’re going to go and sort the issue out without the use of anger. The anger has told you that this bothers you; its message has got through. Now let’s be nice and calm and express our feelings to another human being who also experiences emotions.

You can’t control the feeling of anger, but you can control how much you let it build, how you act on it and how you choose to view it.

Tips:

- Keep yourself calm on a daily basis

- Take up calm-promoting exercises

- Avoid gossiping

- Keep alert to the triggers as you get annoyed

- When you’re predisposed, take extra breaths

- Put it in perspective

- Are your basic needs met?

Questions For Thought

How do you create your space of calm?

What are your thoughts on anger management?

Do you have an effective method of calming down, or approaching others?

Did you have a question I’ve not answered?
It would be great if you’d post any of these thoughts in the comments section for everyone to share and learn from.

– Rose –

Controlling Your Fire: Part 1 – Dealing with Feeling

Apr20

Emotions are a key part of the human experience. Some of the most “troublesome” of which include guilt, anger and despair.

As a facilitator of an anger management course for 16-25 year olds, I’ve picked up a few tips in managing this emotion, and wanted to share these insights with you, as redefining our world isn’t confined to just looks or the way we speak to ourselves.

Although this post will focus on anger, the tips could be used to control any emotion.

Key Points

Firstly, I need to explain three things, so that we’re all on the same page:

- Anger is a neutral emotion: although your action may have a positive or negative moral value, the feeling itself is neutral.

- Anger cannot be removed entirely (and there is no need to try). However, we can manage it. This means you minimise how often you act upon it and to what degree you act.

Okay, now that’s understood, here are a few points for managing your anger.

Dealing with Feeling

The feeling itself is most people’s first point of call; so that’s where we can begin. After a bit of training, we can find the gap before you get to anger; but for now, I’m going to talk about when you’re in that state of anger or high annoyance (or any highly charged emotion).

The example I use during the course is “I’m on the bus, trying to read my book, and someone’s on the phone loudly. I cannot concentrate on the words of my book when someone is practically yelling a conversation from the other end of the bus.”

My old response would be to huff and give evil glares at the people, while trying desperately to read through it – why should I not be allowed to do what I want? I’m not harming anyone.

As I took the course and then began co-leading it, my response has changed. There are a few options that will lead to a new response in your anger-provoking situation:

Question this behaviour.

“Why” are they doing this?

- In what circumstances would you be on the phone and not care if people heard or got upset? What about if some emergency had happened?

- If you were in the middle of a massive argument that could lose you your husband, kids, career or house; would you care about one person on the bus reading a book?

- Perhaps it’s just a cultural difference in what’s seen as rude?

- Perhaps they have hearing difficulties?
They’re not talking loudly to annoy me, but because they’re engaged in their activity. It’s almost never personal.

Similarly, when someone cuts you up on the road, could they be rushing to the hospital or in a blind panic at missing their parent’s last moments? Could they be late for a meeting that could earn/lose them a million pounds? Are they possibly so swamped with work they might lose their house?

Question #1: What could be happening in their lives to cause this behaviour?

Choose To Not Be Right

- They are going to talk no matter what. I’m choosing not to confront them or give in to the anger. Thus something my end has to change.

- What’s the view behind this?

Most views come under a core belief about the world and how people should behave. Try to find the view that links your triggers together. Then we can look at shifting it for this particular moment.

For me, it’s the fact that I value people being free to do something as long as it does not negatively impact another person. For example, my reading doesn’t impact anyone. Their phone-call does.

- While these people break this view of mine, I feel annoyed for the people who are being affected; myself included.

However, I can either understand that this is my view; not one everyone will hold / have thought about, and accept that it’s not the only view.

Or I can think about creating a new view. Once I decided that I didn’t want to be upset with people who were in a hurry, I tried to change the view I held.

For example, I believe that all people face the same amounts of struggle/ suffering. The things that hurt them may not hurt me, and vice versa; so I need to remember that today, they could be in pain. If someone is sad, is it worth huffing to tell them they’ve upset me as well? Maybe they’ve got enough on their plate.

That’s a spiritual belief of mine that has no proof whatsoever. But it helps me to let go of anger. While it works in that role, I’m keeping it.

Similarly, it’s unlikely that every car to cut me up is in a serious life/death rush; but by choosing to believe they are; I stop anger before it even develops.

Am I holding to the views they’re breaking?

If they’re having a good time on the phone to their best friend; am I not negatively impacting on them by giving them the evil looks?

Question #2: What views could I create or alter to allow this to pass by and not cause me more pain? What is this view that’s being violated here?

When In the Moment, Get Out of the Moment

Even the counsellor who runs these sessions with me gets angry and loses it sometimes.

Most of anger management is done before the moment arrives; in not letting situations escalate, or not letting the feeling itself bubble over the top of your volcano.

However, no one is immune to getting angry and seeing the “red haze” or whatever you would term it.

In this case, you want to focus on getting out of the moment; either physically moving away form the situation or taking your thought and emotional processes away from the cause of the anger.

- Counting to ten and back to one is a good creator of space in a situation.

- Walking away is also a good one (maybe go for that walk/run).

- Cleaning’s another good one to get the anger out safely.

Question #3: What do you do when anger brews? What could you do to stop that trigger from continuing to bother you? Can you remove it, stop thinking about it, walk away from it?

Today’s Tips:

- Open yourself to other perspectives.

- Don’t take it personally.

- People are private. You don’t know what they’re facing.

- You can’t change their behaviour. So let’s change yours.

- Change how you’re wording it.

- Change the view you’re holding onto. It’s not the only one.

- Remove the trigger

- Get to a safe space

- Use some calming techniques

That’s it for today. Did it bring up any questions for you? Post them in the comments section.

Questions for Thought

What are your main views which cause your anger?

What value or belief is underlying it?

How could you redefine that moment to stop causing yourself the pain of anger?
Thanks for reading. Part 2 will be up next week, dealing with preparing for angry situations and the aftermath.

– Rose –