Rose (MSc): Graduation Fears

It’s official.

I passed my Masters in Cognitive Neuroscience. I got a first in my dissertation, and I beat my BSc score (though the grade is the same).

Results came out last Wednesday at 4pm – while I was at my granddad’s house. So I used my snazzy phone to look it up as the time rolled around. My granddad didn’t even respond; despite explaining what it was and what it meant.

Just thirty minutes before he’d asked if my new job would make use of my degrees and would it allow me to keep learning because he knows I need to learn to be happy. He’d gone on about his own school days in a military school, and his first jobs. And come back to “your degrees, they’re good?”

Telling him I’d done better in my MSc than my BSc, and better in the MSc dissertation by a whole grade; he barely registered it. Telling him I was happy with the results left no impression. Within ten minutes, he’d forgotten. Mum proposed a toast at dinner to my results and he hadn’t just forgotten; he ignored it as if the reminder hadn’t even registered.

I’m not bothered that people don’t care – I’m bothered that this is something he should be excited or happy or concerned or interested in – because he values education so highly.

Graduation

At the weekend, mum asked if I want to go to the MSc graduation in January.

It’s a lot of money and fuss, I only made two friends on my course, I don’t have a dress and I’d be taking a day off work. But I could get a proper photograph, the gowns are nicer for masters, my partner might be able to come, I’d get to see my two friends…

And when I think back to my BSc graduation, all I remember is being told that my granddad is going to the doctor because they think he has Alzheimer’s.

* * *

But I doubt he’d even come to this one.

They’re taking him off the medication and he’ll go back to declining at a faster rate.

I read a New Scientist article about the hopes for prevention ~ but they won’t help my granddad. His wife asked me what he could have done to stop it – could he have eaten better or exercised more?

I don’t know many people with dementia who have climbed mountains just a few years before. Snowdon 3 times. Ben Nevis twice. He eats healthily, rambles, goes square dancing, paints, reads the paper, does the Sudoku puzzle daily.

But he has a build up of plaques and is on the verge of depression.

And Aricept caused him heart rate to reach 45bpm (for a 65+ year old the rate is 50-55 if they’re still an athlete). He’s 84. He should have been unconscious with that rate.

So they’ll likely take him off the drug, and he’ll be even less likely to be himself, to be excited, and more likely to feel depression. If he declines faster, will he forget to be depressed? Would he be happier?

* * *

At my BSc graduation, I found out about his Alzheimers. Last week at his house, I found out my MSc results, and got no response.

The time for mourning may have already arrived; but I don’t want to give up hope. I can’t fight this, but I don’t know how to just give up.

And I’m not sure I want to graduate without him.

– Rose –

Shivanata Roundtable – #3 – Meeting Goals Prompt

Sep18

The third Shivanata Roundtable is open over at ShivaNuts Unite and it’s time to share my experiences of using Shivanata to meet specific goals with you.

The Shiva Nata Roundtable is a series of prompts to encourage writing about Shiva Nata.

So Here Goes

The first prompt was “What attracted you to Shiva Nata” and you can catch my response here.
The second prompt was “What was your first time like?” and you can catch my response here.

The third prompt is “How Does Shiva Nata Help You Meet Your Goals?“ and my response is outlined below.

Looking back, what were your goals in life and how has Shiva Nata helped you meet them?

I originally ordered the starter kit from Havi, because I wanted to bring more movement into my life. She had said it didn’t matter if I didn’t practise often, and that most students would practise and then leave it for months, before dusting off the DVD again. And that was okay.

Are there any examples which stand out?

The first time I noticed a real-life impact on a goal though, was my undergraduate dissertation thesis. I’d been staring at my introduction for days, trying to make it flow. I still didn’t understand the concepts I was supposed to be explaining in it. I remember spending three days just looking at that introduction and flailing. I would do 45 seconds of shivanata, 15 of shavasana (rest) and then go back to staring at the writing.

On the third evening, it clicked. I was standing up, arms moving, legs still – and I saw the colours in front of me. The colours I’d used to code my work; the colours I’d used instead of numbers for the practise. 1:1, 2:1 became “green blue, orange blue” and I saw my paragraphs neatly arranged, colour by colour. I ran to write the formulae down and switched the orders around. I gave it in without reading it again.

Going forward, what are you seeking now and how can Shiva Nata help you bring it to fruition?

I’m using Shivanata to build up a business about the concepts of Shivanata. My goal is to teach, and to teach others to teach. Alongside the movement practise, I’m building up a redefinition alchemy aspect; where we can deal with the mental and emotional side-effects a Shivanata practise can bring.

Add Your Voice

Do you have a view to share with us? You don’t need to be a master of Level 7, a trained teacher, or even have opened up your DVD. If you’re thinking about flailing, you have a place in this conversation.

The third prompt is “How Does Shiva Nata Help You Meet Your Goals?“ and if you’ve not got a blog; just leave a comment there.

If you’re interested in experiencing or learning about Shivanata, take a look at the information around my blog.
If you don’t have the DVD yet, please consider buying the starter kit with my affiliate link, and head over to the forge if you’d like to have a 30-minute starter Skype session with me.

- Rose -

On Being a Student: The Final Week

Aug14

So the water flows into the river, I must flow into my new role

On Thursday, I give in my dissertation and my course officially ends. I’ll be out of education.

On Friday, I move out:

An unemployed, living-back-with-my-parents-full-time post-graduand.

My very first school took in four-year-olds under the title of “rising fives”… Thus I started my first school one week after I turned four. In a week’s time, I will turn twenty-two. That’s 18 years (give or take 2 weeks) of full-time education. I went to a catholic all girls secondary, moved to a mixed college and then left home to pursue a BSc; complete with my first ever festival, my first few gigs, mental health experience, paid casual work, my first summer job and my first experience of bills, public transport and cooking. Then I stayed on for my MSc in the safety of the world I’d built with systems of support in its walls.

And now, now I’m going into the world of work, having left the community I spent four years building.

Fear and Acceptance

The whole journey of leaving home at 18 has given me an odd form of faith. Somehow, things seem to work out. I always manage to make ends meet, I sorted out a work schedule that allowed me to earn money, study, meet up with friends and volunteer so that I had the best range of experiences.

Like the phoenix, I have melted under pressure and risen up anew from a pile on the floor. I discovered a form of brain-training and began to teach. I recognised my fears of public speaking, so I spoke at conferences and signed up to give tours. I kept my eyes open and leapt when I felt strong. And when I felt weak, I curled up in my room with its lock and gave myself space.

Transitions

My journey through university has been about extending my comfort zone, growing as a full person and respecting my own feelings. I don’t go clubbing and get drunk a lot; I sit in with a book and a green tea. Rather than go shopping for things I don’t need with money I don’t have, I step into a circle with 50 druids every 8 weeks and chant the awen.

I’ve noticed the aspects in myself I dislike, and I’ve become an alchemist in order to change them – from my short temper and my passive-aggressive anger style to my generally judgemental attitude and my conditioned fear responses.

Heading forward into this next life-stage, I’ll be using my forge more than ever to challenge my thoughts, my language and my actions. For the next couple of weeks, as I celebrate the transition into a new life stage, I’ll be focused on minimising extraneous “stuff” and opening myself to new thought processes. I can focus on Shivanata and look for the chinks of light beneath the barriers I used to keep tightly around me.

I’ve been the apprentice; now it’s my time to pick up the tongs.

– Rose –

Want to know what I can do for you? As phoenix rises from ashes into flame, the alchemist turns lead to gold.

Wander over to the Alchemy Forge and let me fire up your dreams.

Practising What I Preach

Jun26

This is a long-winded process through my anger with a sense of injustice.

I’m not angry. I’m furious.

We share something. She’s taken more than half.

Then she sent a message that I’m “being unfair” and “tough if I didn’t like it”.

Would that anger you?

Background Info

As part of my degree, another student and I need to share a single lab room. She has booked it out for 5 hours a day, 3 days a week. For the past month; that’s 60 hours. I’ve booked it for 28 hours in the past month. She was meant to finish getting 30 people by the 22^nd. She’s now aiming for 40 [which means I now need to aim for 40] and complained I’ve booked 4 hours on 25^th and 26^th.

Anger Management Techniques in Action

How. Dare. She.

Why am I upset with these comments?

I need it more than she does (she has more data).

She’s gone over her “half” of room bookings.

She said she’d finish using it by then.

The Conversation

All Lies? I asked her about these; trying to explain why I’d booked it then.

“I have more data because I worked my arse off”.

Wait. You say that as if it separates us. I’m taking this as an insult.

“You’ve booked it for a whole day”

You booked it every day for THREE WEEKS leaving me the slots only after 5pm.

“I decided to get more data so I’m going over my finish date”

What?!

And then the final straw:

“I’m going to our supervisor about this.”

WHAT?! You’re telling the playground teacher? HOW OLD ARE YOU WOMAN; SIX?!?!

Conclusion One: You’re a bully and you’re childish.

Anger Becomes Rage

You’re getting more data than me and that justifies ensuring I don’t even get ¾ as much as you?!

You’re going on holiday so are suddenly more important than me?

We had a deal that it was first-come first-serve. You’re going back on that now: when I kept to it even though you were taking more than half the slots in the first 3 weeks?!

At this point, I stepped back and had to breathe. I tried to find the light.

Assumptions

She must be really stressed; maybe she panicked.

No need to insult me, to be rude, to be a bully and tell me I’ll have to deal with it.

And I feel the penny drop as I come to my angry conclusion:

Conclusion Two: You are a dishonourable liar.

Even a memory of Mulan doesn’t break my emotion:

“Dishonour on you, dishonour on your cow!” – Mushu (Video Clip)

New Anger Arises

I’m so STUPID.

I never learn.

She said she was paranoid, I should have realised.

Why do I always get surprised when every human turns out the same; a dishonourable, selfish bully, only interested in their own gain and not a single thought of how they are negatively impacting others.

I’m angry at myself. I have only myself to blame.

And now I’m behind schedule, behind in the amount of data I’m aiming for, and I’m unable to sleep; crying in the darkness at this woman’s horrible cruelty and my own sense of injustice.

As I write this, I’m on twitter, half needing to vent and half wondering if I can access my support systems… and then I see this post on shame. I realise the irony of my shame over not “knowing she’d screw me over”. Shame and self-annoyance over not seeing the future, over being nice to her.

I step back from shame; finding my center again and coming back to the techniques.

Taking Notes

As I try to remain detached, to treat this anger as a curious questioning, I realise why I’m so upset.

I feel sick that people who treat others so disdainfully exist in 2012. There is no reason for humans to treat others in this way.

Final conclusion: No human being should be treated like this. I may be 15 years younger than her but I’m not acting like a petulant child.

Coping

The anger, I can cope with. I have angry music that specifically calms me down by the end.

Coping with seeing her is my difficult bit. How to not blank her, not punch her, not yell and swear at her. To not tell her how much she needs to grow up. I’m a good actress, but I hate lying.

Over a year of teaching anger management techniques, and I’m still not assertive enough to fully deal with this. I understand my anger, understand my fear – but I don’t know how to deal with this human being who destroys my worldview and backs up my conditioning that the world and the people in it are horrible.

Your Thoughts

How do you deal with anger?

Do you struggle knowing some people act in certain ways?

What would suggest in this case?

How do you deal with shame?

– Rose –

As phoenix rises from ashes into flame, the alchemist turns lead to gold.

Do you need to shine up your dreams and set alight your passions again?

The Alchemy Forge is fired up!

My Dissertation: Mirrors and Emotions

Dec10

As a Masters student, I’ve completed the dissertation application twice; and have had bad experiences in both cases.

However, despite all the issues and my own personal traumas around it, I finally have a topic and a lovely supervisor.

My topic is embodiment of emotion; so if inducing mood will alter how someone’s body responds/reacts at a cellular/neural/perceptive level.

My tutor is lovely, funny and hard-working. He’s really enthusiastic about the project and he took me on when no one else would. And then he bought me drinks for most of last nights social.

Compared with last year where I ended up with two tutors; one in another country officially working for a different university and one “substitute” who knew nothing about my subject, I am a very happy and grateful bunny.

Emotional Statements

Essentially, this is something I can link to both clinical practise, and to neuroscience, thanks to some lovely little neurons called “mirror neurons.”

You know when you see someone else smile?

What do you think about their emotional state?

I know that my first thoughts are that they either feel Happy or want to portray the feeling that they are happy.

How does this work?

Introducing the Mirror

My brain sees a smile, and the neurons known as “mirror neurons” then fire, saying “oh, what do WE feel when WE smile?”

Well, we smile when we’re happy or.. when we want to convey that we are happy. And the neurons that link to the muscles in our cheeks? They fire.

The Interesting Example

Do you know what’s even more incredible about this phenomena?

People who have had botox which affects their ability to smile, are impaired at reading other people’s smiles.

The mirror neurons actually need to get feedback from those muscles to get the message and so if you can’t smile as much as them, you assume they are not smiling that much.

And this is where my dissertation steps in; looking at emotions and the muscular/neural side of reading others emotions. I’ll be spending the Winter holidays reading up on papers and will no doubt bring it up a few times here; so there’s a very brief introduction in lieu of this week’s Titbit.

Note: I was speaking at a conference on the day of my Cognitive Neuroscience lecture last week and social neuroscience has just been us presenting paper for the past two weeks; so I’m afraid I just skipped that week. However, the final tidbit will be next Tuesday, and I hope to have a summary available in the library by New Year.

Until then, do you have any interesting queries, concepts or ideas relating to how emotions are felt and read in the body?

– Rose –