Downsizing to Upsize

room 001 I’m all moved in!

Pictures to follow =)

I’ve moved into a flat containing four rooms – a bathroom, kitchen, living room and bedroom. It also includes a small linen closet and hot water cupboard.

Having lived in shared accommodation for four years, my belongings are used to occupying a total of three kitchen cabinets, a tiny bit of worktop-space and one 9’ by 9’ room. While living there for 30 weeks of the year, I had an entire bedroom full of belongings back here, in my 9’ x 10’ bedroom.

Although my efforts have been sporadic, I’ve been ‘down-sizing’ in order to fit everything in my bedroom again ~ having two 9×9 room’s worth of stuff in one 9×10 room is… cluttered. Especially as my parents have added a sofa bed to my room that never used to be there.

Upping My Space

While trying to explain my de-cluttering, I’ve come up an argument I wasn’t prepared for: “But you’ll have more space”.

I’m technically now living in four rooms; and my “stuff” would probably have fitted into these rooms – I’ve not measured them, but both the bedroom and living room are a bit bigger than the 9×10 room.

The kitchen is small, but compared to what I’m used to having: two fridge shelves, 3 cupboards and a tiny bit of space for my cups to sit on; I now have about 10 cupboards and a whole fridge and freezer. I have the whole bathroom not just a corner shelf (though I don’t need any more room than that, to be fair).

But that’s not the point.
As I said last week – for one thing, it needs to fit in two cars for the move.
Secondly; I hated how cluttered the room at my parent’s house felt. I didn’t feel productive or free there. I’d wake up, eyes opening to the big sofa in front of me, and every surface full of items. Even knowing that my wardrobe drawers were overflowing – despite not being able to see them – it weighed me down.

The Fresh Start

The point of this move, apart from the fact I was applying for jobs in Sussex and got offered one in Haywards Heath; which is too far to drive to from my parent’s house… was for a fresh start. For my stuff and for me.

The room at my parent’s house is covered in posters of animals, and of the characters from Charmed. I had a tapestry of Mickey Mouse that was a gift for my first birthday, and the paint includes prints of purple rabbits. It homed a CD player I no longer use, and notebooks FULL of diary entries I wrote in 2003. There were unused items and discarded toys…

This room was one of memories; but I’m no longer that 5-year-old who likes rabbits, that 10-year-old who loves the character Roo (see picture), that 15-year-old who loves Charmed.

This isn’t just about removing things I don’t use or love, but about letting go of things that are incongruent with who I want to be. am

In this flat, I am Katy Rose MSc, Children’s Caseworker; and I want to be able to embrace this sense of self without all the baggage of my childhood.

Do your items still match who you are and what you do?

Do you actually spend time with your items, using them?

– Rose –

Un-Conditioning Fear

May4

I’m in the back of the car.

Two years ago, I’d have been fuming with rage.

Four years ago, I’d have been silently crying.

Today, I’m sat with my water bottle, happy music on my mp3 player and I’ve texted my partner so I can feel supported. Knowing he knows is enough, but the reply to hang in there and to keep breathing is even better.

I’m keeping an eye on how I feel; mentally watching for both physical sensations and my emotional fluxes. I can sense a tightness in my chest and an uncomfortablity in my throat.

I can feel tears threaten, but I don’t want to cry here – it’s not safe –.

The yelling flows over me and my music like a river over the rocks and I close my eyes. Then, the car lurches and they open themselves in fear.

The Memories

I grew up in this place: The loud, angry sounds; the sense of danger around the next bend; the fear in my throat and the tears brimming behind my eyes; desperate not to fall.

There’s almost a safety in this danger; where I can revert back to old systems and I know just how hard the hit I’m expecting will be.

When I’m here, in the car with his raised voice, it’s hard not to fall back into that instinct I learnt to exist in; as a conditioned child.

Current Situations

But that was a decade ago. Today, though in the back of a car with him again, I’m a Masters student, a Psychology graduate, a dreamer, writer, published poet and a redefiner. I am an alchemist; a grown woman in her early twenties.

I choose to tell my body that it can release these tears tonight. I will make time for us to cry; body and mind. We can mourn today’s pain and the suffering it reminds us of when we are safely locked in our bedroom.

I’m redefining what tears are; from the weakness I learned they were to the natural and safe release of energy I now know them to be.

Sometimes though, we’re all triggered by aspects that take us back, and it’s hard to keep yourself present. Each day I have to remind myself of this present; this safety and my new role as a redefiner. I remember that I have the power to make my life joyous and freeing.

It’s uncomfortable at times, and it takes work. But I’ve been to that place of safety, and for me, it’s worth battling every single day for.

After the past couple of years of fighting, I don’t even need to fight for it every day; it’s a part of me now; and my natural reflexes. I often redefine the moment without noticing it.

Keeping Afloat in the Stream of Conditioning

Stay present.

This is the easiest step for me to do, as long as I remember that I need to do it. Counting’s a good option, or labelling:

How many leaves are on that tree? Count them in pairs? Or bricks in that wall. How many grooves are on that plastic, and letters in that road-sign? Count the seconds on your watch in increments of five. Do anything to engage your brain in what’s going on here and now; that’s not emotional.

Find the differences.

Once we’re in the “now”, it’s helpful to find the “untriggers” by noticing the differences between this situation and that one. ‘I’m now ___ years old, I have ___ (house, partner, degree, job, son, nephew, etc.) and I am ___ (confident/strong/aware/insightful/competent). It’s April now, it was July then; I’m wearing blue, I was wearing pink…’ and so on. Havi of The Fluent Self does a “how is now not then” which contains alignment and separation much like this.

Why were you triggered?

It’s helpful to find out which bits of this situation are like the conditioned one; thus why you’ve been triggered. Seek the similarities and feel the understanding soothe the confusion. Which part of this makes your response legitimate? Know that there is a reason you’re reverting to that place. And that’s okay.

Release the Emotion

Write, sing, cry, scream into a pillow, punch a cushion, go for a run, walk out… Do something to let this emotion out. Then you can put systems in place to support yourself for the next time. If this isn’t possible right now, make sure you remind yourself that you will make a time and a space for it – and then ensure that you do.

Create a System

Each system will depend on your and your triggers, but having a specific system to go alongside the staying present and bring you a piece of safety is so useful when dealing with triggers; particularly fear triggers.

I always have a water bottle with me, so taking a few slow sips of water are my current sadness / fear system in action. That gets me breathing a little slower / more regular too. Find what works for you; and then use it. This is bets if you can always have it with you; for whenever something unexpectedly arises, from humming a song to mentally reciting a poem or visualising a pretty ocean.

All of this can be hard to do in the moment itself, but if you take time to work through each trigger in the calm space; it’ll become habit and you’ll be able to reach for the skill just when you need it.

– Rose –

On-A-Whim Redefinition

Apr13

*Dear K, if you are reading this, please don’t feel that I have deceived you because I am now always who I was when I was with you. R.

In my mind, I’ve always held this “honourable” view.

I don’t know where I get it from, because I’ve never met anyone who shares it to the extent that I do, and I’ve had it at least since I was seven.

The view was “You should keep your word; any words you use are a promise, and if you break a promise, you deserve to die.”

I remember so clearly the day I cried because in my heart, I felt I didn’t deserve to live because I’d not been able to keep a promise; I’d been too scared to move.

Yet, as I aged, I found myself telling the odd half-truth, and I remember exactly when I made the last three promises. One was April / May 2007. One was in April 2005 and they promised me the same back. The other was a couple of years even before that.

I learnt not to promise, never to “give my word” and I began to hedge everything with ifs and buts.

Magic: The Opening

In 2009, three other students and I were looking around a student house when I recognised the photo of my friend in one of the bedrooms. He wasn’t in, but I asked his housemate, K, if he lived with my friend.

I also noticed some “magic: the gathering” cards on K’s shelf and commented that I used to play it at college.

He said “I’d be happy to take you to the SWARM society and we could play a game” and I, barely hearing him, said “I’ll think about it” in such a noncommittal manner, I saw his face fall.

Something struck me then. The memory of me as a child, of my word, of honour and honesty. I’d said it, so now I had to think about it.

I saw his face and tilted my head to catch his eye. “I mean it, I really will.”

He didn’t seem convinced, which strengthened my resolve further. To cut the long story short, I contacted my friend and asked if K would give me the details of SWARM. I won the game on a technicality (more than I ever did at college, so yay!) and we’re still friends.

This guy, K, did business studies. When he took me to my first ever gig with another friend of ours, he talked a lot about how the recession was affecting things and how it would continue to affect us. I nodded and only half paid attention again; it was late, my attention was all about seeing a band live (for the first time!) and I had no prior knowledge of business or money to add this new information to.

The next morning, I vaguely remembered having said I’d love to see his essay report on how the financial affairs had come about, once he’d given it in for his coursework. I don’t remember why I’d said that, but I had and thus, a month later, I emailed to ask if I could read it. It was actually very enlightening to read, but the main reason was to keep up this belief (to him and to myself) that I’m still a decent, honest person.

The Point

I didn’t realise it at the time, but in keeping this façade of being an honourable human with just one person, I have come to really value the power of the word; the strength of relationships built on true listening and hearing of each other (these days I listen intently to and understand his business talk).

And it has spread out to other areas of my life. It may take me 6 months, but if I tell you that I’ll do something for you; I will.

- If I say “you know where I am if you need me”, I’m not being polite. I’m seriously passionate about making sure you have the support you need. I have had friends ring me at 2am on the verge of suicide. And I am 100% happy to deal with that.

- I can help you define where you want to be a month from now, and I don’t mind you coming on skype in tears to ask me for that help. Or just for a hug and to listen. If I message you to say I’m here for you, I truly mean it.

Your Turn

In the end, this redefinition was all about my intense need to be in line with my values. I hate hypocrites and I value honour – thus I became honourable.

If you want to redefine how you act and what views you hold, try to be the “new you” with someone you’ve just met. It’s easier if they’re not friends with your closest friends; but even so, in time you’ll be like that with everyone. You can change things slowly, one thing at a time.

What would you shift?

Pick one thing, meet one person (or just change that aspect with someone you don’t know too well yet) and go with it. Leave a comment if you’d like some support or a little nudge in how to go about it all. Seriously.

I think for my next introduction, I’ll practise speaking without “like” or “you know” in every sentence. I’d like to change that about myself.
– Rose –

* That picture is from March this year, sharing a drink at midnight. I kept my word.

Redefinition – Costumes

Nov11

This week, my Buddhist teacher spoke about costumes.

His daughter (and a friend of mine) is studying English Literature. She’s in her second year of three, and writes all her assignments the night before they’re due.

I used to be very much like this, and hearing this made me smile.

The Situation

In speaking with her father last week, she said she’d been to a great 50’s party and was too tired to write an essay on the 1920’s. So my teacher, seeing the connections and knowing his daughter well, suggested she have a 1920’s party in her bedroom, with her cuddly toys.

He said she should dress up, get some snacks and dress the cuddy’s up – and have an essay-writing party. I’ve yet to hear what happened at the party, but she laughed very much at the idea.

Costumes as Tools

I’m a big fan of costumes. How we define things impacts our entire perception, and if I have to get a piece of work done, I put my hair up in a clip, grab a white blouse and sit down at my laptop. I sometimes add some dialogue from an imaginary person.
“We need the file by 4pm, the printers go home at 5.”

This gives my work an increased level of importance. I’m in the traditional “woman at work” or “schoolgirl ready to learn” outfit. I’m sitting at a desk and someone’s relying on me.

Sometimes, that’s enough to get started. And once I begin, I can find the fun or sense of achievement enough of a motivation to continue.

Metaphor as Practise

In the last couple of years, I’ve dropped (some of) my labels and gifted myself with new wings. I became a business woman; a scientific psychologist with a love for quantum physics, who is also a nature-loving druid; a novelist and a certified level II Reiki practitioner. All of these involve slight changes in my style of writing, of speaking and of attire.

In the next year, I’ll become a fully-fledged Master of Neuroscience. Right now, I’m a student, Each Sabbat, I put on my Pagan shoes as an actively practising Druid, as I am most mornings as I light my altar’s incense. When I next run a Skype Session, I’ll be a Shivanata teacher, in my easy-to-move-in top and from September, a member of the working public.

This is how humans work; we are children, wives, mothers, sisters, workers, artists, novelists, students and teachers. This is my gift; my power: redefinition and re-design.

Temporary Defining

My costumes define me in that moment, and invoke those particular skills. I am the actress; putting on her characters outfit [or my suitable-for-work uniform]. I am the enchantress; meeting each day with my medicine pouch of gemstones and the jewellery that defines my style.

What costumes do you wear? What costumes could you invent to aid you in your own work or chores?

- Rose -