Tag Archives: compassion

Breaking Through The Silence

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Content Warning: Some emotive language and negative situations are included within this post.

 

Last week I began writing a post about my “Plan Z” – the worst case scenario for being jobless, homeless and moneyless. I talked about my conflicting dream jobs, my lack of direction and the many options I’d enjoy but wouldn’t necessarily support me. I may still even post it. But this week, something happened which stopped me finishing it.

On Wednesday I found out about a suicide attempt. And my worries about which jobs to apply for just… got slammed into perspective.


Perspective’s a Long Road

I’ve been on a Suicide First Aid course. I’ve been exposed to mental health and suicidal people for nearly a decade now. I’m very comfortable discussing it.

I had never met someone, only to find out that they attempted within a couple of hours of my leaving them.
   

And it had never sunk in that I’m working in mental health now, where I’m going to be more exposed to this than normal.
  

I found myself revising for today’s exam (which I thankfully passed), wondering what I was doing in this job, in this degree. Why did I apply for a Doctorate course? Why am I planning a future at least vaguely around Mental Health? Why do I have three jobs in mental health? Why am I doing this to myself? Can I handle it? Can I physically and emotionally manage this?

I’ve brought friends back from the edge of attempting suicide.

I lost one person who told me at the time it wasn’t negotiable. Told me I wouldn’t/couldn’t change their mind.

I’ve never talked to someone and then had them attempt immediately after; once they’ve appeared to accept help. To have asked for and accepted help. To then attempt anyway.
There’s still this sense of Can’t. Fathom.

I sat on that bus home with a consistent three sentence mantra whirling. “I’m going to be sick. I can’t breathe. What didn’t I do?”


Judgement versus Reflection

It’s important to discuss this difference.


I do not feel responsible.

It was not my fault.

I could not have foreseen this.

I could not have helped her.

 

My colleague and I did what we were trained to do.
Yet, there’s that space of reflection. 


Were there signs I could take note of next time?

Do I know the procedure for reporting to the nurse’s station?”

Do I know the difference between expressing suicidal feelings and having a suicide plan?

 

And of course if she did it, she was going to do it anyway. It was her choice and would it really have helped to stop her that day only to have her suffer for another 3 or 24 or 48 hours and try again?


We are not responsible for her actions.

 


My Emotions:

Anger.

This is the side of mental health often ignored; kept quiet. Why do we not talk about this?! Why is it such taboo in society?! Why can’t we express ourselves? Why are mental health patients labelled and thus ignored? Why the hell am I taught to ignore anyone’s statement of “having suicidal feelings”, but report about anyone “with plans”?  Prioritise them, sure, but not out-rightly ignore it (though I do understand the need for confidentially, I still think in some cases it shouldn’t be as black and white as it is).

Then, the anger and injustice at the nurses, if they did act as I’ve been told (it’s all hearsay, so I can’t trust it to be accurate, but I’ve heard similar reports in many places). If you want to say how annoying it is someone chose that time to commit suicide, seriously, take it to the staff room. Don’t say it in front of the other patients. If you must, word it as “Oh, I’m going to miss X’s appointment” or “I have to postpone Y; this worries me”.


Sadness.

I’m here to help people. It’s sad that I couldn’t help this person.


Worry about the Future.

If she survives, I’ll see her again. How will I cope with that? How will I treat her? How will I deal with the next one?


Concern.

They take away as many dangerous items as possible from them… How did she have something to do it with? Will I see this a lot more?


Uncertainty.

Of myself in this role. Of myself in any role.

Of the way society deals with it.

A friend on the ward told V and she told me during supervision. It’s being kept quiet by the staff and my manager (though we’re not exactly forbidden to talk about it), I guess because it’s not strictly relevant for everyone to know. She’s in intensive care and we should respect her privacy.

Yet, I’m glad I was told. And I don’t know how I’d feel if I hadn’t been told. If I’d found out in 6 months time. I think I’d feel betrayed, though I’m not fully sure why.

V and I have learnt from it. It’s given me a lot to think about in terms of my future, my plans and my experiences.


And then I had some un-label-able emotions.

I needed to tell someone, and my OH wasn’t picking up his phone. I didn’t want to talk about it, but I needed to say “I’m struggling right now. I need a hug. I need someone to know what I’m experiencing.”


Thank you to Ellie on twitter for sending me hugs and not asking what was up. Big thanks to my best friends Josh and Kami for letting me cry and talk when I needed to.

Sometimes we need to break through the silence, and speak out.


Sometimes I wonder who put this box of silence around suicide, and wonder how much harm it’s doing to those inside.


– Rose –

P.S. This song came on during writing this, and I just felt it went with this post.

Visit http://youtu.be/MUfgAbFY4CA or see below.

 

The Language of Self-Love

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Today I’ve taken off, in order to search other landscapes.You can find me over at Open Roads Coaching; taking part in the Leap into Love series with a post on how our language can affect our perception of love.

“Language controls our perception, our mental life. Turned becomes plunged and boredom becomes fear. Language can control our emotions. And that includes love.”

Head on over to read the rest of this post and to check out the other wonderful entries in the Leap into Love series.

A Sense of Self-Worth: Compassion versus Rudeness

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Last summer I worked cleaning en-suite bedrooms for summer school students and conference attendees in campus accommodation. We’d knock on a door, and either say “cleaning” or if no one was in, unlock it and clean it. One day I knocked and a guy answered with “No, I’m getting ready” and he slammed the door closed in my face.

That’s fine, I moved on, not even thinking about it. Then as I began to clean the next room, he opened his door and went “I’m ready, you can clean now.”

And I just nodded to him – I hadn’t started the next room and it was vacant so we weren’t time restricted on it.

However, at this point my supervisor for the day stopped me as I walked back to his room and asked quietly “did he just do what I think he did?” And I nodded. She held up her fingers to his now closed door. I laughed.

For some reason, I’d expected this kind of treatment, or I’d automatically thought “oh he was flustered as he was getting ready”. Whichever, I essentially, had no problems letting someone treat me a little badly.

 

Another Role

Shift forward 6 months; as a student ambassador two week’s ago.

I went back to work on campus; helping out with an Open Day. I’d not done this before, but had been trained for it in Novemeber 2010. As I stood with another girl at the main entrance directing people through the one-way system of the corridors and pointing people to their interested subject areas, a woman ignored the “no exit” signs, and when prompted by my colleague of the correct exit, she turned to us and said “Yes well I have a meeting so I’m leaving here” and proceeded to walk through the other people who were all walking towards us, following the signs nicely.

My colleague and I didn’t even turn to each other, both proclaiming “Well, [pause] how RUDE” and got some agreements from those who the woman had barged past.

 

There were three things that I noticed in this incident.

 

The Lessons

Firstly, I had never met that girl before 9:30am that morning. By 2pm, only working together on the doors from 1pm, we’d connected to the point of sharing a value out loud and speaking with the same pauses and intonation.

Secondly, the people who were coming in through that doorway agreed with our stance; some making a joke or agreeing that the woman had been “out of order”.

Both of these points reminded me of my theme of “connecting”, and reminded me of societies values, and how knowing and agreeing to those values helps society flow. It was that one woman’s lack of regard for socially accepted values which caused a stir.

Through another woman’s disconnection, I connected with about six people I wouldn’t have. Connected both to those people as humans who felt compassion for me and my colleague, and connected via conversation, jokes and shared opinions.

 

The Acceptance

When we were asked by our supervisor how it was going, we mentioned the woman. Our supervisor simply said “Oh yes, well that’s be expected. Get that treatment every day”, in a manner that suggested she was used to it and it wasn’t important; shrugging the incident off.

I do, to some extent agree with this. People are rude at times, and perhaps she was really worried and upset about missing her meeting. Perhaps it was more important than the safety of others; or valued higher than two young girl’s views…

 

This led to my third and forth points… Having grown up in a space where I was taught “the world is cruel, you must be cruel back to survive”, I understand this self-preservation of expecting bad behaviour.

However, when I analyse my emotions and feelings on that, I feel sad. I don’t, in my heart, agree with this way of expecting people to be rude.

Here I find this thread of struggle between my conditioning and my instinct.

 

The Struggle

The society who taught me, value this preservation of “expecting the worst”. I cannot shrug that value off if I then say I appreciate the value of “not being rude” or “obeying rules of those in authority positions”. Hypocrisy is never a pretty sight.

Yet, in my heart I do have this glimmer of compassion for all; and of the knowledge that some people are inherently nice. And if I expect every human to be rude; in case they are that one rude person; I’m doing them an injustice.

 

Your Views

This is my wrestle; this is the reason for my search into compassion.
Am I the only one with this struggle? How do you deal with it?
What progress have you made over instinctive “we are all loving humans; family” versus “the world can be cruel, harmful and challenging”?
How does it balance in your eyes?
Is it difficult, or does it come naturally to you?

 

There are no right or wrong views here; and I’d like to request that we please be respectful of everyone in the comments.

– Rose –

Mental Health Musings – Steps Towards Wellness

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January has been a tough time for my mind to really cope with. In fact, I haven’t coped with it.

Within the first week, I had to reach within and hide. I didn’t post anything but the bare minimum, had days where I forgot to connect on twitter and stopped leaving the house for anything but work commitments. I missed a lecture and meditation class this week because I couldn’t face the bus, the noise, the people, the cold, the concentration. I even began my old habit of sharing images on facebook so people could assume I was alright, and that I’d been social, without having to say anything to anyone.

While dealing with a mental health relapse, I found a couple of interesting posts on various blogs, but in this state, either made me focus on how bad I felt, or on attempting to climb back out of the pit. I didn’t really want to do either; and wallowing is much easier for me.

Softness

Today, I awoke to a sense of self-compassion; something that I’ve been missing lately. I began to browse blogs again, and found Christine Kane’s article on smiling after challenge, and noticed a particular comment she made:

“That’s because when it comes right down to it, happiness is a lot about training.”

I sat and stared at that sentence. Happiness is about Training your Mind. That kind of rings true… and of course, it’s the whole point of this blog.

I wanted to share all that I know about training the mind to be healthy, happy and effective at learning, feeling and being.

I have all this knowledge about Meditation, Gratitude, Visualisation, Learning, Associations, Triggers and Re-defining. That’s how this blog came to exist, and what I intend to use it for.

Routine

It’s been nearly a month since I felt this ground rising up around me, and through the last week I’ve begun to climb back out. Not by fighting to train my mind again, but by gently bringing tiny routines back into my life:

- It’s day 6 of my continued exercise routine (and in giving myself permission to just have a 6-minute routine, I found no resistance.. which led to me doing it 3-4 times a day!).

- It’s also day 5 of writing a new novel with characters I’m passionate about getting to know.

- Today was my final anatomy lecture, so I’m finally able to address this anxiety about the exam by revising the whole course.

- I’ve been watching Top Gear and HIGNFY, rather than the informational shows on Physics and Nature – because I needed that humour to heal: that space from learning.

- I’ve finished FOUR books this month (one was almost 800 pages!) and I’m ¾ through another. I may even finish 5 this month. Compared to last year where I read only 12 books; I’m feeling so good about that.

Noticing Patterns

I currently have a placement within a psychiatric hospital, and there are two major things that inpatients want. They want to connect with their friends and families; and they want images to put up beside their beds. Images that will bring them comfort, safety, personality and hope. They can’t necessarily exercise or watch humorous programs or read or write… especially not with the kinds of medication they’re on. But there is this intrinsic knowledge in nearly every patient I’ve met so far that they have this need for a personal touch, for something of them in a room of depersonalisation and a space of illness.

That’s a step they take, much like my own process. Tiny little steps, tiny remembrances of how I exist, how I’m defined, how I cope. These are my steps to solid ground again. And these are probably the most important part of mental well-being; knowing those steps. Even if you need to wallow for a while; knowing how to get out of it when you’re ready is key.

Christine also explains a key understanding of the “goal” process.

“But the thing is – no matter how fast you walk towards the horizon – you’re never going to ARRIVE at the horizon.  That line where earth and sky meet will always be out in front of you.”

It’s something I never remember, especially when I’m feeling bad and can’t explain why. It’s something I know, but can’t access the knowledge of. These little steps are the easiest, and perhaps most effective… But it’s important not to focus on the horizon, just focus on where you want to put your feet next.

Your Opinions

What would your personal steps be?

What do you do to rest your mind, or to immerse it in a pleasant state?

Do you believe the mind can be trained to feel or to deal with feelings differently?

– Rose –

Compassion as a Resolution of Change

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Compassion is something I’ve been discovering slowly.

I grew up with the view that nice people never get anywhere; that you mustn’t give until you know you have enough (not only for this instance, but to safeguard the entire future), and that people who gave their money or time away were dying, searching for retribution after being bad or just “stupid”.

 What I now realise is more tragic than being taught this; that he’s seen 50 years on this earth and still truly believes that.

The Search Begins

In March 2010, I began to give. I found generosity, I found support and I gave it. In that Summer, I purged my wardrobe, some of my unloved items… I gave money to a few new charities and I began to see that this could work: A world in which people were kind could possibly work.

In 2011, I delved further (in research) into Buddhism, into pacifism and into druidry; peacemaking. I went to Buddhfield Festival; a Buddhist festival where the theme was “abundance”; everyone and everything having MORE THAN ENOUGH.

I began the OBOD course for Druidry and began to see that archetypal medicine woman who had brought me to paganism in 2004 in the wisdom and symbols of that tradition.

I began helping out at an Anger Management course and I saw red for what I believe is the first time in my life. And I had some interesting experiences with both feeling that anger on some new levels and on the act of compassion without my control.

I’ve begun to wonder if all those “hippy thinkers” as someone in my family calls them were right. Can compassion be a natural human state; is it our natural state?

When you see people with dementia, those who have completely reset and forgotten that they have any duties, that they should worry about their memory; they’re often lovely people.

“Hello, it’s nice here, are you enjoying it?”

“Gran?”

“Who dear? Oh it’s a lovely day outside, come and sit with me.”

There’s this state of undeniable openness in children and in those who’ve lost their conditioning. No biases, no fears. Just… kindness.

The Shift

Sometimes, I still have to deal with my old labels, and with those old emotions. I have a lot of pent up frustration and anger that sometimes re-surfaces without warning.

These relapses often take that old form of depression; and I forget to have faith in compassion.

I especially think about my future; about how I want to teach my kids love and compassion; but then they’ll get walked over and shocked when they see the “truth” of human conditioning. If I raise them in a nonviolent, caring, abundant space; will they cope with the times when they don’t have a enough, or see pain and suffering for the first time?

Can I shield them in any way that won’t cause harm eventually?

And each time I come out of that state and remember “it’ll be innate. Hopefully I can help them find what I’m finding now at the age of 15, not 21, but they’ll find it.”

And as I re-surface, I remember that my partner grew up being told and experiencing his share of poverty, of prejudice, of poor education – but had a loving and devoted family life which kept him stable. It’s possible to raise an aware and understanding person who has lived in good experience.

The Belief

Yet, in that space, I can’t believe that humans are capable of changing back to that natural state. I can’t see how it would work. I can change my mind and their minds; but I can’t change that guy who’ll cut them up on the road, the boiler which will break in their house or that woman yelling swearwords at her child in the street.

I can’t fathom how I can live in a place like that.

“The ethical law in its simplest general form (be unselfish!) is plainly a fact, it is there, it is agreed upon even by the vast majority of those who do not very often keep it. I regard its puzzling existence as an indication of our being in the beginning of a biological transformation from an egoistic to an altruistic general attitude, of man being about to become an animal social. For a solitary animal egoism is a virtue that tends to preserve and improve the species; in any kind of community it becomes a destructive vice.”

- Erwin Schrödinger, Mind and Matter, p13

And I need that belief. I have that faith, that belief, when I return from that old place  of hurt. I believe in humans.

Dianne Sylvan expressed it well in her post on New Year changes.

“Despite the grim outlook, I can’t help but believe people are capable of great compassion, awareness, and evolution.  (And hey, if I’m wrong, we’ll all blow up, so you can’t say you told me so!)  I have to believe that or I can’t exist in this world, because I have to have hope…for people in general as well as for myself.  I have to believe I can change, that my heart can expand, that I can be better, even when I screw up on such a grand scale it seems like nothing will ever go right again.”

I need that. It’s taken me 21 months to fully name and actively, consciously try to shift my being into that state of compassion, and I’m right at the beginning.

So it’s 2012 and I’m getting back on the path of discovering my natural compassion, as a connection to others, to my heritage and to myself.

*raises glass*

Here’s to the human possibility of changes.

– Rose –

Emotions in the Body – Three Lessons on Anger and Fear

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This is a bit of a long post (1,500 words), but notes a few different observations about emotions within the body and how body awareness need not be scary, but can heighten our ability to be kind to ourselves. These are my lessons from Buddhism, from Anger Management and from my own internal shifts of Strength.

 

I’m not going to lie (which in itself, is a phrase that I could write a whole post about).

I’ve been dealing with a lot of strain the past few weeks; from a job that won’t give me reliable work (and ended up costing me money), volunteering organisations that just won’t get round to filling in the forms, extra training and volunteering requirements on other placements and not being allocated a supervisor at university (thus not being able to do a dissertation and graduate).

I read blogs which talk consistently about accepting your current state, being allowed to feel and respecting your own capacity. I’ve been reading these kinds of posts for a few years now; but the lessons take a while to become part of my daily practise.


Lessons from Buddhism

I co-run a meditation society at University and this week, Karunajala asked how I was and I said; “I haven’t been allocated a supervisor, thus currently have no dissertation.”

His first question was “How does that feel?”

I feel betrayed, hurt and angry.

“Okay. Why?”

Because that means all three of my choices were given the option, and turned me down.

“Okay, so it feels personal. Is it really though?”

Well, they’re over-subscribed and they can only take so many people, so I know it’s not intended personally, but it still hurts.

“Okay, good. What if you couldn’t feel that betrayal and hurt? Stop thinking and feel. What would it be like if you could not feel those emotions? Who would you be without them?”

Erm.. I’d still be me, just me who didn’t feel betrayed?

“Okay.. I mean what feelings and what is left of you if you couldn’t feel betrayed?”

And I stopped. And felt. Really felt.

Tired.

“Ahh. You feel tired. So this is tiredness.”


- Emotions and the Physical Plane

The idea of the exercise wasn’t to stop feeling the emotions or to block out my experience. If anything, it added to the feelings; I noticed that I’m full of worry, of fear and of tiredness, beneath all those feelings of anger, betrayal and hurt.

However, I noticed that those emotions; they’re not in my head; they’re in my body.

I have a history of avoiding my body; of feeling uncomfortable and squeamish around it; but this was something I felt and was content to feel. I’m generally happy to feel my emotions (especially anger, which makes me feel powerful and sorrow which I spent so much time in as a child that it feels comforting) but this was a revelation to me.

This was a technique Hiro Boga used in the Sovereignty Kindergarten teleclass last year – and I remember I only tried it once, but got really strong feelings from it. The focus was different, but the technique was the same; the results of profound “Woah, I feel like this and I had no idea” are the same.

Since Tuesday when I first tried this in meditation, I’ve been trying to check in with it; with the “Vedana” or sensations; the emotions I feel within my body.


Lessons from Anger Management

On Wednesdays, I help out at an anger management group. I went on the course in May and have been helping out at them in the last two courses that have run. After going for myself, I noticed some difference, but not enough to really alter my deep-seated patterns. Now that I’m helping out, I can really notice other’s processes; not being caught up in my own.

One of the key things it’s helped me realise is that we all have a background state of stressors. When someone’s anger is triggered; the key issue isn’t that event, but a deeper lying view.


- The Shift

Nowadays, I’m noticing myself as a calmer person throughout the background stressors. When I saw the email saying I had been, effectively, rejected by all three of the supervisors I’d requested to do my dissertation with, I promptly burst into tears with the full emotions of anger, betrayal, despair and sadness/hurt. However, even while I cried, I dropped my shoulders, took a deep breath and sent off emails to my other options; people I hadn’t been able to put on the form (we could only put three choices down) and texted a friend who would be in my class that morning at University.

When she arrived at the computer room, she gave me a packet of chocolate and said “right, what can we do to sort this out and get you a nice, interesting dissertation.”

I called in re-enforcements in a situation where I would normally have stayed home and “called in sick” so that I could cry more.

In my day-to-day behaviours, I now mention a niggling annoyance within a day of it happening (if it’s going to be a continuous annoyance; like my housemate’s music being loud when she wakes up at 7am) instead of spending mornings getting more and more angry with her and being passive-aggressive about it all.

My emotions are the same; but my relationship to those emotions and to their triggers has shifted.


The Final Lesson: From my Inner Phoenix

It’s Sunday. I have three pieces of work due this week and have only finished one of them.

I spent the day drinking coffee and doing statistics… either for my statistics assignment or for my Philosophy of Statistics assignment. The latter is almost complete: I have one question left to answer and have already spent almost 10 hours on the other 15 (it’s only 1000 words…).

I had happy, upbeat music on, green tea and a mixture of healthy and unhealthy food… I was getting somewhere with the assignment and felt pretty happy with myself.

And then I saw a message in reply to an email I sent a week ago; a message that seemed neutral; but I suddenly found my hands shaking. At first I didn’t even compute that the message was the trigger. My hands had begun shaking and I felt a familiar emotion: anger.

Anger based in hurt and sense of utter panic. I felt the fear; my stomach was continuously flipping and I wanted to punch something.


- Feeling

I sat back, took some breaths and began singing to a happy song to keep my breathing even.

I tried to gently probe with my mind; to search my body for this emotion: I found it curling up in my stomach, stretching along my hands, seeping into my arms and up to coil around my tense shoulders. I recognised that I was in a state of panic, of even terror.

“I feel panic, I feel fear. I feel hurt and I feel anger.”

I re-read the message and felt the shift; felt the storm I’d begun to calm rise up again. “Ahar, so this is the trigger.”
I won’t go into the details, but I do not want to be in contact with anyone like this person. I do not like who they are or how they treat people. They owe me a substantial amount of money (I could buy food for two months with it…) and thus I have to stay in contact until that account is settled. While in contact with them, I’ve lost many nights of sleep in panic over them. I am afraid of them.

“I am afraid.”

The message stated that they can repay me but only at X time in Y place (a time I couldn’t make) and it brought me to terror.

“I’ll never get the money back, I can’t make that time, I’m going to starve.”

And then, I felt the surge of my inner phoenix; a part of me who has been learning from Anger Management and Buddhism, who has been slowly shifting the neurons in my brain to see things differently, who is slowly learning to stand up for me, to move to the front of the V.

“How dare they! They owe ME money. They OWE me. They shouted at me, swore at me, used my past again me! How dare they. No., I will not tolerate this!” and that part of me wrote back a short reply to the message:

“Can’t do that; any other times good? Obviously no point you being X and Y time when I won’t be there.”

The conversation went on with a little more drama about amounts and needing scanned in proof of the bill but it is set; now I’m leaving meditation early to meet them and get the payment. And I feel the fear of that meeting; but then I have this new sense of strength; there is a part of me who is capable of dealing with this fear.

Emotions are a key part of our lives; and I’ve found that asking “where do I feel this?” leads me to new understandings and new options. Because I felt my body, some part of me connected and knew to bring out another part of me to speak in spite of my fear and anger.

I’m quite new to this practise of feeling my emotions as sensations in my body and I’d love to hear if others have had any experiences with this or just how you experience emotions in general.
How do you connect with your emotions? Do you feel them in your body? Does it change or does anger always appear in a certain place/way?

– Rose –

Strikes, Protests & a Shift to Compassion

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Please note that all of this is purely my opinion; just one side of the greater story. This is a post about my student journey, from the cognitions of living at home through to experiencing the real world; my shifts in perspective, especially in light of protests and strikes.

 

I grew up in a very strict household. I saw the reasons for the rules enforced upon me, but I was taught “facts” about the world that are simple opinions, covering a single side of the story.

I cried in the weeks coming up to my 13th birthday because I didn’t want to become a teenager; they were evil.  By the time I was 18, my cognitive perception was that the world was a cruel place and you had to fight every step of the way to get any money, friends or a sense of purpose.


A Shift in Perspective

When I got to university, I realised that the media is a business (not a service), that adverts understand how we think in order to sell us their products, that politics isn’t a simple piece of paper with an X on it and that not every person has the same view of the world as I do.

Having been taught that I mustn’t make a noise after bedtime (crying loudly got me shouted at), that anything showing emotion was ‘weakness’ and that my questioning was always wrong; things always had a loophole.

If he knew something I didn’t, I “lacked common sense” and if I prioritised cleaning over watching television I “had OCD”. I believed this narrow view until I left home; and got to experience life away from his influence.

Being in University completely shocked my system. People were loud at night; smoking weed in the house and didn’t shout publicly during arguments; they found privacy and yelled in there.  I found fear and uncertainty.


A Failure

In March 2009, the linguistics courses at my university were cut. People who’d been offered places and rejected their back-up places were suddenly told the course was not running; that they must find another institution. I’d never seen a protest before; and to see the banners, the students and staff yelling together, and the head of department with the megaphone shouting “THEY SAY CUT BACK; WE SAY FIGHT BACK!”

I flipped a coin in 2008 to decide whether I would study psychology or linguistics atSussex. Luckily, I chose psychology; but I could empathise with the students involved. They cut the courses, cut the staff. There were protests for weeks, the local and then national papers got involved.

The institution won. We couldn’t win against them. I found hopelessness.


A Success

In November 2009, a petition began on facebook for Rage Against The Machine’s Killing In The Name Of to reach the music charts Number One space. The petition fought against the corporation and the company behind X-factor: the winner of the show automatically became the number one song for Christmas.

Despite more people voting on X-factor than in the elections, some people felt this easy win was unfair, so we fought back.

Not only did RATM win (502,672 copies sold) the number one space; it was the first record to ever reach that through online sales alone. The X-factor winner sold 450,838 copies and I’m very glad he got a Christmas #2; it’s a great achievement.

This sparked a fire in me; hope that maybe all I’d been taught about wasn’t set in stone. Change could happen, people could make a difference. I found hope.


Inner Movement

In 2010, I learned that experiences and memories bring me more happiness than objects, that I could give money and time to help others and that I had a potential I could expand. I signed up to volunteer, got my first job deliberately which involved facing my fears repeatedly. I began exercising, buying healthier food and meditating regularly. I found myself smiling and feeling compassion for random people on the bus. That woman with a dog, that man chatting happily away to no one, that upset-looking girl with her headphones in.

I found a state of compassion. I joined the coverage of Occupy Wall Street; watching livefeeds for 7 hours straight on my day off University and spreading the word. I have found (com)passion.

I’m not talking about moods, but states of mind; ways of seeing the world. If I look for the violence, I’ll remember the riot police holding a student to the ground as they occupied a building on campus two years ago; I’ll remember the 200 police on horses who surrounded 5 peaceful protesters sitting beside the road and I can replay that video of the American police spraying innocent people with pepper spray. If I search for injustice, I will find it everywhere: the news thrives on negativity as it sells better and we hear about negativity more from our peers.

Yet, if I look for justice, I can also see it! It’s not a “lie” as he would call it; I can see people helping each other in the crowd, people are using lines from books and movies to support each other. (“His name is Scott Olson” about a man who got badly injured). People are being open and honest; making friends with strangers, offering blankets and being so compassionate; and that is hopeful, in my eyes.

People in the ‘top 1%’ are supporting those in the 99.. there is no divide.


Our Options

Personally, I am doing a lot to make a difference; I’m speaking at the Mental health Congress tomorrow, I begin providing information and support in a psychiatric hospital in January and will be befriending those who are recovering from mental health problems at the beginning of the year.

However, you can make a difference without giving money or time to a specific cause. Pay attention to your thoughts and simply seek out positivity. Limit watching the news to just reading headlines or to asking your friends; I find that twitter’s trending topics are enough; and that way I get to see the news from the people’s view; not the papers.

 

Yes, bad and good things will always happen. We will always be faced with anger, sadness, betrayal, violence and fear; yet there is always something positive around the corner. Personally, I choose to focus on and support the positive.

How do you choose to view the world?

– Rose –

Mind Control – An Inquiry into Compassion

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Back in July, I had an altercation with someone. It wasn’t even an argument; it was purely two people who’d been in each others’ space for too long; and essentially, I didn’t see her again until this October. I apologised to her at the end of the altercation. She did not apologise and resorted to name-calling and swearing, seeing my apology as insincere (I can only assume).

This week, I met her again. I’d been playing out this story in my head; of “I want to glare at her yet I will have to communicate with her but I need to be nice because she still owes me money” and so on.  Yet this week, on the day I often see her, I hadn’t even thought about it.

And there she was, in the queue of the shop as I walked in. She didn’t see me. I could have snuck round the shelves until she left. Except something took over.

I walked over, put a hand on her shoulder and said “Hey, how are you? I haven’t seen you in ages?” and we had a chat; I mentioned the money and she was apologetic.


The Emotions

As someone who leads meditations, and grew up around violence; I’m very intrigued by these… compassionate take-overs.

During a bout of depression a few years ago; I reached a point where I had three weeks of euphoria. I acted kind of normal (which I hadn’t done in a while) and I always answered everything with a grin. Yet *I* wasn’t there; I was watching this girl from behind her eyes as an actress played my part and I got to deal with trauma. I had a lot of energy and it just stopped one day at the end of a consistent three weeks.

The reason I mention this, is because this is how I feel the meeting in the shop went this week.

I’m so full of anger and feelings of betrayal; I feel she crossed a line and I don’t want to be around her influence anymore. However, there was a part of me who saw that girl, not noticing anything around her and so… mindless. And something stronger than my anger took over; pulling out metta.


History

If someone comes to see me, crying, my ONLY response is to hug and feel compassion. It’s a natural state for me; yet I spent so many years in an oppressive household where I was physically and mentally hurt.

In that space, I learnt that crying kills, crying loudly gets you hit and punching walls is the appropriate way of acting.

I then came to University and learnt that the game my father and I used to play when I was 6-10 is the one they often use in “are video games causing violence?” (Wolfstein 3D).

As a Psychology and analytical person, I’m intrigued by my actions; which have come from being an angry, violent young girl, oppressed at school and at home; to someone who meditates and is an initiated Druid; the peacemakers. Despite my upbringing and the labels I used to hold true.


Your Thoughts

I’m mid-way through research compassion in terms of the brain, though I expect it will bring up mirror neurons and theory of mind; but before I write about that, I’m interested in your views.

Would you say that compassion is stronger than anger?

Is it possible to teach yourself to be compassionate?

Or could it be our “natural state”?

Do you meditate or practise pacifism? Do you think the act of compassion and peace/meditation made you feel this way or was it the feelings that caused you to act as such?

- Rose -