Tag Archives: anger

Grieving: My Concept of a Job

Things have been quiet here. One reason is that I’m working on a website for my writing. A second reason is that I’ve had nothing positive or useful to say about work, redefinition or my learning.

 

Marty McConnell once said:

 “I don’t own
enough rage for it all — I am
ninety-five miles per hour on I-81, sprinting
to track the tirade vibrating
on the next stage

is Anybody Listening?

I live
in search of a cause worth dying for”

Quoted from “Give me one good reason to die”.

~

I’ve realised I do own enough rage for it all. And sadness. And grief.

I grieve for the injustices of others. I grieve for the childhood, the university courses, the beliefs I had to teach myself in 2007 when I realised my father’s view of the world poisons everything he touches. I grieve for the promises I was always given about a career.

And I’m grieving for the processes I was assured about in my interview. I asked how they run supervisions, and I was answered by ALL THREE panel members; each with their different responses but all agreeing that it’s of the upmost importance and that as a new member of staff I’d get more.

I’ve had 2.5 supervisions in 4.5 months. I requested one two weeks ago, and got no reply. Today I asked again, and I was offered one in four weeks time. Three weeks and 6 days I guess, that’s as good as four weeks. Despite me crying at work last week and this week. Despite me being given a case load equal to other members which I shouldn’t have until my 6 month “beginner” period is up.

 

Things are shifting, things are changing and I recognise we’re all in this whirlwind – uncertain and insecure… But I am grieving for the beliefs I once held, for the lies I was told and for the loss of everything stable in my life. I’ve left my house, my friends, my partner to come here and do this job.

And despite being told by colleagues at my level that I can talk to them, I’m feeling about as small as I possibly could. I’m told to call their personal numbers after hours, and that I should take this issue to X person.  Then X person says it can wait three days.

So here I am, waiting for the days to pass, trying to go through the motions and wondering if anyone is going to notice my crying at my desk.

Because no one did this morning.

Key Principles of Alchemy: Defining My Role

-          You always have a choice
-          One choice is always to “do it differently”

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. – Albert Einstein -


An Example

Growing up, I saw criticism dealt with in two ways.
My mother would apologise and feel guilty.
My father would deny it, insult you for making accusations and usually do the thing more to show you it was fine and needed no criticism.

As a child, I grew up always reacting to criticism by crying and apologising. I then realised that didn’t work and started to fight back, angrily refusing to acknowledge the comment.
Then I noticed that that too, didn’t really work. Being angry and feeling “right” feels better than feeling guilty and crying… and the criticism usually didn’t reappear. But it didn’t make my life work any better.

 * * *

I met my partner, began seeking criticisms on my poetry, left home and discovered a third option: I can accept the comment and evaluate its truth.
Then I can make a decision.

*** I can choose to ignore the comment, saying that I’m happy doing X action in X way. Or I can look at changing it. ***

This does not require crying or yelling, I feel happier about my own behaviour, and I can graciously accept their opinion.
That’s alchemy.


Simplicity

It makes every situation sound simple, putting it in an algorithm like that. And in essence, most of the techniques used in self-development are simple to understand.

However, that doesn’t make them easy.
Sometimes those choices are made with your head and not your heart.
And that’s why I’m here. To ease the journey, to help keep you on track and to give you support.
The Alchemy Forge is your first step to accessing help on this journey.

 * * *

I have moved back in with my parents for a bit, while I find a flat and car, until my new job begins. That means moving back into a place that stunts my growth, feels unsafe, has bad memories and where I am re-conditioned every day by the negativity I was brought up with.
I’m back in that bedroom where I prayed to any God who may exist, and where I used to muffle my crying in case I got yelled at for “being too loud”.
And that is a choice. Because I chose not to get a part-time job this year, I chose this. I knew at the time that this would be a consequence.
And with that awareness, I’ve been building systems into my parent’s house. I’ve recycled my old diaries where I wrote about those bad experiences, I’m halving my belongings and in the process of making space for my future, I’ll be letting go of my past.


Support

I’m an alchemist. I’ve been redefining my life since those dark days 8 years ago. I began my alchemy apprenticeship within that very bedroom.
You may not have experienced redefinition before now, and that’s where my role begins. I can help you redefine your mental space, your physical brain, the rooms of your house and the way you see the world.
I’ve walked this path in three houses, worked on all aspects and I’ve found what doesn’t work as often as what does.
This is what redefinition alchemy is all about. And this is my role.

– Rose –

Self-Development and Speech

Another course of Anger Management began last week. We talked about the motivations each member had for attending the group, and I grinned all the way home at the idea of so many 16-25 year olds I’ve met who were willing to come to a class and face the consequences of their emotions.

I never understood people who didn’t always seek to further their development. I still struggle with it – if you’re life isn’t as it should be, what can you do to take that step forward?


Political Correctness

I grew up around the phrase “political correctness has gone mad” and a lot of shouting about “freedom of speech means I can say what I like!”

And then I came to university, where people get offended, and where I suddenly have to respect everyone. I didn’t see a lot of respect when I was growing up, so this was a shock to me.

The policy of this group is to respect difference – no offensive comments about gender, sex, race, housing situation (e.g. council house and violence, travellers, homeless), sexuality, disability or age. We also try to adhere to a rule of ‘No Generalisations’, generally. I’ve become pretty proficient at picking up on generalisations actually.


The Struggle

I don’t get offended that easily by words (despite my last post). I’m happy with swearing, including being called a c-word, b-word, f-word and so on. It doesn’t bother me to be called them, and I find it odd when other people are upset by it. To me, it’s not discrimination in the way the previous words are.

Being called a “chav” or “gypsy” is a direct negative comment about your actions, who you are, what you do. Being told to eff-off isn’t anything to do with you; it’s about the other person wanting space.

I now get the difference, but it’s taken three years of working in this field to get my head around. Even the c-word isn’t said because you’re female or because you’re male; it’s said because it’s known to hurt you and the aim is to upset. Intrinsically, it’s no different from being called an “elbow”.

Understanding and awareness is the first step. Now I have the new battle to fight; the conflict between being able to say what I want (freedom of speech) and have other people say what they want… and respect my new lesson that no one should be upset by it.


The Phone Conversation

One of my strong views relates to parenting, as children are a big motivator for me. I want to teach and to guide; which ultimately leads all my self-development to be “training” for helping others. I sat behind a woman on the phone on the bus home from running the first class; and she said:

“Well you better make sure it’s done by the time I get home, okay? Or else I’ll get really mad.”

No wonder these young people arrive at anger management believing it’s bad and they’re bad people for getting angry! I could feel my own anger rising, my sense of injustice, and even some dislike for the woman who is causing her child to develop certain feelings for a natural emotion.

Her wording also bothered me. I speak a lot about language and how important different words are. I could understand “If it’s not done i’ll feel angry because you lied/I needed it done/ it means our relationship doesn’t mean as much to you” but that’s not what it sounded like to me.

It suggests to me “I will hurt you” – be that harm emotionally making you feel guilt, shame, sadness or verbally calling names (useless, trying to cause trouble) or even physical violence.

Who threatens another human being? I don’t get it.


My Views Arise

“I don’t believe it is acceptable to treat another person in that way.”

Last week I said “how dare she exist in that way of treating people.”
I’m noticing a trend in my world view. And Ben (the therapist at Anger Management) says, anger can be triggered by “any threat to a view we hold dear”.

I see people upset by drink-drivers, by animal-abusers, by child-abusers but somehow it’s okay to call other adults names, especially if you’re a different sex/race/age and it’s okay to use lying, verbal abuse and mental manipulation to get what you want?

I grew up in a black and white world, and I can’t understand these shades of grey people have created.


Understanding leads to Acceptance

I don’t understand humanity. I’ve done a psychology degree, I’ve now attended a total of six anger management courses (five co-facilitating) and I’ve gone on to work in mental health to get my head around the mental aspect.

Maybe I understand it too well – that we need freedom of speech but we shouldn’t negatively impact others. Maybe I see why X did Y, but why I’d do Z.

I’m stuck in this limbo between two principles I’m supposed to value; with no idea how I really feel about them; seeming to agree with them at different times.


Your Thoughts

How do you deal with conflicting values?

What are your views on these two subjects – freedom of speech and not hurting others with your speech?

– Rose –

Practising What I Preach

This is a long-winded process through my anger with a sense of injustice.

I’m not angry. I’m furious.

We share something. She’s taken more than half.

Then she sent a message that I’m “being unfair” and “tough if I didn’t like it”.

Would that anger you?

 

Background Info

 As part of my degree, another student and I need to share a single lab room. She has booked it out for 5 hours a day, 3 days a week. For the past month; that’s 60 hours. I’ve booked it for 28 hours in the past month. She was meant to finish getting 30 people by the 22nd. She’s now aiming for 40 [which means I now need to aim for 40] and complained I’ve booked 4 hours on 25th and 26th.

 

Anger Management Techniques in Action

How. Dare. She.

Why am I upset with these comments?

I need it more than she does (she has more data).

She’s gone over her “half” of room bookings.

She said she’d finish using it by then.


The Conversation

All Lies? I asked her about these; trying to explain why I’d booked it then.

“I have more data because I worked my arse off”.

Wait. You say that as if it separates us. I’m taking this as an insult.

“You’ve booked it for a whole day”

You booked it every day for THREE WEEKS leaving me the slots only after 5pm.

“I decided to get more data so I’m going over my finish date”

What?!

And then the final straw:

“I’m going to our supervisor about this.”

WHAT?! You’re telling the playground teacher? HOW OLD ARE YOU WOMAN; SIX?!?!

 

Conclusion One: You’re a bully and you’re childish.


Anger Becomes Rage

You’re getting more data than me and that justifies ensuring I don’t even get ¾ as much as you?!

You’re going on holiday so are suddenly more important than me?

We had a deal that it was first-come first-serve. You’re going back on that now: when I kept to it even though you were taking more than half the slots in the first 3 weeks?!

At this point, I stepped back and had to breathe. I tried to find the light.


Assumptions

She must be really stressed; maybe she panicked.

  No need to insult me, to be rude, to be a bully and tell me I’ll have to deal with it.

And I feel the penny drop as I come to my angry conclusion:


Conclusion Two: You are a dishonourable liar.

 

Even a memory of Mulan doesn’t break my emotion:

“Dishonour on you, dishonour on your cow!” – Mushu (Video Clip)

 

New Anger Arises

I’m so STUPID.

I never learn.

She said she was paranoid, I should have realised.

Why do I always get surprised when every human turns out the same; a dishonourable, selfish bully, only interested in their own gain and not a single thought of how they are negatively impacting others.

I’m angry at myself. I have only myself to blame.

And now I’m behind schedule, behind in the amount of data I’m aiming for, and I’m unable to sleep; crying in the darkness at this woman’s horrible cruelty and my own sense of injustice.

As I write this, I’m on twitter, half needing to vent and half wondering if I can access my support systems… and then I see this post on shame. I realise the irony of my shame over not “knowing she’d screw me over”. Shame and self-annoyance over not seeing the future, over being nice to her.

I step back from shame; finding my center again and coming back to the techniques.


Taking Notes

As I try to remain detached, to treat this anger as a curious questioning, I realise why I’m so upset.

I feel sick that people who treat others so disdainfully exist in 2012. There is no reason for humans to treat others in this way.


Final conclusion: No human being should be treated like this. I may be 15 years younger than her but I’m not acting like a petulant child.


Coping

The anger, I can cope with. I have angry music that specifically calms me down by the end.

Coping with seeing her is my difficult bit. How to not blank her, not punch her, not yell and swear at her. To not tell her how much she needs to grow up. I’m a good actress, but I hate lying.

Over a year of teaching anger management techniques, and I’m still not assertive enough to fully deal with this. I understand my anger, understand my fear – but I don’t know how to deal with this human being who destroys my worldview and backs up my conditioning that the world and the people in it are horrible.


Your Thoughts

How do you deal with anger?

Do you struggle knowing some people act in certain ways?

What would suggest in this case?

How do you deal with shame?

– Rose –


As phoenix rises from ashes into flame, the alchemist turns lead to gold.

Do you need to shine up your dreams and set alight your passions again?

The Alchemy Forge is fired up!

Controlling Your Fire: Part 2 – Choosing Your Actions

This is the second post about my experience as a facilitator of an anger management course for 16-25 year olds, and the tips about dealing with anger.

Today, we’re going to deal with the preparation you can do to avoid acting out of anger, and the aftermath.

In case you missed last week’s post, “Dealing with Feeling”, here are three key points to know:

-          Anger is a neutral emotion, though your action may have a positive or negative moral value.

-          Anger is a useful emotion – giving you extra power when you need to fight or flee in dangerous situations (or in this day and age, letting you know that something is wrong and in protecting your values / world-view).

-          Anger cannot be removed entirely (and there is no need to try). However, we can manage it. This means you minimise how often you act upon it and to what degree you act.

Okay, now that’s understood, let’s begin with preparatory actions for managing your anger.


Preparation – Maintaining a Base Calm

A trigger of anger is usually more than just about that one incident. Things have been building up over time and suddenly, you reach the top of the volcano and can’t help but erupt.

It’s a good practise to have methods of releasing small pieces of annoyance so that they don’t build up.


Common methods include:

-          meditation

-          reiki

-          dance

-          singing

-          ranting (in a journal/blog/twitter/to a friend).

  • it’s important not to let them catch you up into the drama though; talking to an empty chair is just as good

-          punching pillows

-          yoga

-          regular walks / runs

-          massage

-          play a game

Some of these techniques will also work during the moment of anger; but if you go for a walk once a week, take ten minutes a day to meditate and get a massage/reiki session once a month, your levels of stress will generally stay lower, which means your reactions to things that may cause anger will also be lower.

Question #4: What can I do for myself to release excess energy and chill out?


Perspective

Will this matter in 24 hours time? Or a year?

How long is your journey? Is it worth being in a bad mood for the rest of the day over? Will getting into an argument help?

Is this even about the situation which has triggered your emotion?

Some of the physical predispositions to anger include feeling ill, being hot, being tired or feeling hungry / thirsty. If our basic needs aren’t met, we’re more likely to react with anger.

Take a step back and see what this is really about, and if it really matters.

Question #5: Will this matter in 48 hours time? Is it worth causing a stir over?

 

Prevent A Future Situation

One of my most useful new practises since beginning the course last May was to speak to someone as soon as something bothered me the second time. This stopped it going from a one-night irritation to a full blown rage over the course of many nights, but also didn’t make it seem like I was complaining every time anything happened. Once I could let go. Twice and it became a pattern.

 

My new routine became:

-          say what the side effect is, then say you think X might be contributing and could we come to an arrangement that means the other person can still be free but I don’t get the side effect:

“Hey housemate, how are you?
“Good, you?”
“Really tired. I couldn’t get to sleep last night.. worry, work, and at times your music was a little loud.”
“Oh..” (or sorry, or silence)
“I wondered if you’d be up for maybe setting a level or a time to finish music by, or if there’s something you could suggest that I do to alleviate this that wouldn’t mean disrupting your chilling out time?”

I’m taking responsibility that it’s MY issue with her music and that I’m willing to change how I act if I can. I’m also opening dialogue so she can realise that her music does affect me.

I’ve not called her a name, raised my voice or made any comment about her behaviour being “bad”. It’s also good to state about this making you FEEL something. Annoyed, tired, restless, anxious… people connect with emotions better than an abstract action.

Question #6: How can I approach this issue once it becomes a pattern?


Aftermath

- If you lost your temper, I’d suggest apologising. And explaining which action annoyed you, why (you could share your view with them?) and how it made you feel.

- If you got angry by yourself (and didn’t do anything to show them), then I’d suggest trying the above tip (6) after you’ve calmed down.

Mini-note: I often find preparing this conversation brings up the anger again. Tell yourself you’re going to go and sort the issue out without the use of anger. The anger has told you that this bothers you; its message has got through. Now let’s be nice and calm and express our feelings to another human being who also experiences emotions.

 

You can’t control the feeling of anger, but you can control how much you let it build, how you act on it and how you choose to view it.

~

Tips:

- Keep yourself calm on a daily basis

- Take up calm-promoting exercises

- Avoid gossiping

- Keep alert to the triggers as you get annoyed

- When you’re predisposed, take extra breaths

- Put it in perspective

- Are your basic needs met?

~

 

Questions For Thought

How do you create your space of calm?

What are your thoughts on anger management?

Do you have an effective method of calming down, or approaching others?

Did you have a question I’ve not answered?
It would be great if you’d post any of these thoughts in the comments section for everyone to share and learn from.

– Rose –

Controlling Your Fire: Part 1 – Dealing with Feeling

Emotions are a key part of the human experience. Some of the most “troublesome” of which include guilt, anger and despair.

As a facilitator of an anger management course for 16-25 year olds, I’ve picked up a few tips in managing this emotion, and wanted to share these insights with you, as redefining our world isn’t confined to just looks or the way we speak to ourselves.

Although this post will focus on anger, the tips could be used to control any emotion.


Key Points

Firstly, I need to explain three things, so that we’re all on the same page:

-          Anger is a neutral emotion: although your action may have a positive or negative moral value, the feeling itself is neutral.

-          Anger is a useful emotion – giving you extra power when you need to fight or flee in dangerous situations (or in this day and age, letting you know that something is wrong and in protecting your values / world-view).

-          Anger cannot be removed entirely (and there is no need to try). However, we can manage it. This means you minimise how often you act upon it and to what degree you act.

Okay, now that’s understood, here are a few points for managing your anger.


Dealing with Feeling

The feeling itself is most people’s first point of call; so that’s where we can begin. After a bit of training, we can find the gap before you get to anger; but for now, I’m going to talk about when you’re in that state of anger or high annoyance (or any highly charged emotion).

The example I use during the course is “I’m on the bus, trying to read my book, and someone’s on the phone loudly. I cannot concentrate on the words of my book when someone is practically yelling a conversation from the other end of the bus.”

My old response would be to huff and give evil glares at the people, while trying desperately to read through it – why should I not be allowed to do what I want? I’m not harming anyone.

As I took the course and then began co-leading it, my response has changed. There are a few options that will lead to a new response in your anger-provoking situation:


Question this behaviour.

“Why” are they doing this?

- In what circumstances would you be on the phone and not care if people heard or got upset? What about if some emergency had happened?

- If you were in the middle of a massive argument that could lose you your husband, kids, career or house; would you care about one person on the bus reading a book?

- Perhaps it’s just a cultural difference in what’s seen as rude?

- Perhaps they have hearing difficulties?
They’re not talking loudly to annoy me, but because they’re engaged in their activity. It’s almost never personal.

Similarly, when someone cuts you up on the road, could they be rushing to the hospital or in a blind panic at missing their parent’s last moments? Could they be late for a meeting that could earn/lose them a million pounds? Are they possibly so swamped with work they might lose their house?

Question #1: What could be happening in their lives to cause this behaviour?


Choose To Not Be Right

- They are going to talk no matter what. I’m choosing not to confront them or give in to the anger. Thus something my end has to change.

- What’s the view behind this?

Most views come under a core belief about the world and how people should behave. Try to find the view that links your triggers together. Then we can look at shifting it for this particular moment.

            For me, it’s the fact that I value people being free to do something as long as it does not negatively impact another person. For example, my reading doesn’t impact anyone. Their phone-call does.

- While these people break this view of mine, I feel annoyed for the people who are being affected; myself included.

However, I can either understand that this is my view; not one everyone will hold / have thought about, and accept that it’s not the only view.

Or I can think about creating a new view. Once I decided that I didn’t want to be upset with people who were in a hurry, I tried to change the view I held.

For example, I believe that all people face the same amounts of struggle/ suffering. The things that hurt them may not hurt me, and vice versa; so I need to remember that today, they could be in pain. If someone is sad, is it worth huffing to tell them they’ve upset me as well? Maybe they’ve got enough on their plate.

That’s a spiritual belief of mine that has no proof whatsoever. But it helps me to let go of anger.  While it works in that role, I’m keeping it.

Similarly, it’s unlikely that every car to cut me up is in a serious life/death rush; but by choosing to believe they are; I stop anger before it even develops.


Am I holding to the views they’re breaking?

If they’re having a good time on the phone to their best friend; am I not negatively impacting on them by giving them the evil looks?

Question #2: What views could I create or alter to allow this to pass by and not cause me more pain? What is this view that’s being violated here?


When In the Moment, Get Out of the Moment

Even the counsellor who runs these sessions with me gets angry and loses it sometimes.

Most of anger management is done before the moment arrives; in not letting situations escalate, or not letting the feeling itself bubble over the top of your volcano.

However, no one is immune to getting angry and seeing the “red haze” or whatever you would term it.

In this case, you want to focus on getting out of the moment; either physically moving away form the situation or taking your thought and emotional processes away from the cause of the anger.

- Counting to ten and back to one is a good creator of space in a situation.

- Walking away is also a good one (maybe go for that walk/run).

- Cleaning’s another good one to get the anger out safely.

Question #3: What do you do when anger brews? What could you do to stop that trigger from continuing to bother you? Can you remove it, stop thinking about it, walk away from it?

~

Today’s Tips:

- Open yourself to other perspectives.

- Don’t take it personally.

- People are private. You don’t know what they’re facing.

- You can’t change their behaviour. So let’s change yours.

- Change how you’re wording it.

- Change the view you’re holding onto. It’s not the only one.

- Remove the trigger

- Get to a safe space

- Use some calming techniques

~

That’s it for today. Did it bring up any questions for you?  Post them in the comments section.


Questions for Thought

What are your main views which cause your anger?

What value or belief is underlying it?

How could you redefine that moment to stop causing yourself the pain of anger?
Thanks for reading. Part 2 will be up next week, dealing with preparing for angry situations and the aftermath.

– Rose –

The Sensation of Injustice

 

I had a post ready to put up today, but something has been nagging at me this week, and I want to talk about that instead. I’d love any feedback on this topic, and I do not wish to offend anyone with my thoughts, opinions and feelings.

 

The Gap

If you’ve been following my blog over the past month, you’ll know that I had this life plan, from the head of a 14-year-old, this plan evolved and as of March 16th, that plan has been disrupted.

Since then, I’ve been trying to find a new life direction, or at least a detour to fill this void.

 

In the last week, a few major things have happened in UK politics. The roads and national health service are being privatised. The railways were privatised years ago and are now thought to be the worst in Europe for cost and efficiency. Over the past three years, the scandals have risen, the promises have been broken and the idiots in control have blocked out the people’s voice.

The new NHS plans involve giving less time to patients, giving the cheaper medicines that may not work for that condition out, councils will be in charge of health campaigns and health professionals will be doing the accounts, not seeing patients.

On a more personal note, a group that I had high respect for put out an offer a couple of weeks ago that had catches and led to a friend of mine feeling hurt and angry today. Upon hearing her confusion, her anxiety and stress over the past few days and then today; the sense of injustice as she got the official let-down, I felt hurt and angry for her.

 

Protest

I have only ever taken part in three acts of protest beyond the signing of a petition.

- I bought RATM’s song for the Christmas 2009 fight against the business model of X-Factor.

- I added my voice to the Occupy Wall Street campaign in Brighton and wrote about it on Occupy the Cloud.

- I’ve followed this NHS story for the past year, signing petitions, sharing the protest dates and watching the live reports.

 

Values

As a mental health worker, I have been taught to be transparent. We do not go behind people’s backs when breaking their confidentiality. We do not lie or hide aspects of a decision. We share information with someone the moment we have it and it’s safe to do so. As an organisation involved in mental health, I’d assume the same transparency, honour and truth from them.

My own personal values are of honour, of keeping your word, of practising what you preach. And it hurts to see that 90% of adults I know of do not share those values. Lies, business models and corruption are the laws the people in the western world seem to live, and it disgusts me.

 

I cannot be proud of this country until someone shows me that they deserve my respect. It seems that each time I try to break my conditioning and believe that humans are capable of honesty and compassion; I find the hidden agenda, the business model which deliberately harms the people around me.

In this instance, the group seemed to be fair up until now; so my default position was of a mistake, of misunderstanding and of miscommunication. But upon seeing the facts, it’s just so unlikely that there were changes outside their control they couldn’t apologise for. It most likely was a pre-planned deception.

 

Compassion

This year I’ve made it a goal to understand this battle inside me; of balancing compassion with my conditioning about the world being a cruel place. In March 2010, I began blogging over at Wings of Flight, and I found a few American, French and Canadian people who were running their own businesses focused on helping others. In this, I found hope.

In each protest against the big society, the NHS changes, the privatisation of our forests, our roads, our services, the loss of our community, our jobs, our support, and our education I see the hope: Each time a human being stands up and strikes back.

 

How can I protest against a small action made by a single member or few joint members of an organisation but to call them out on it?

I’ve been with them for a couple of years and so my first impression was a mistake. Yet, people who make mistakes should apologise. They should make an effort to amend them.

 

The Path

If there was some way each of us could be our own hero, to stand up for the small injustices so we feel strong enough to rise up against the large ones, I would rejoice.

The more I live in this decaying world devoid of morals above the managerial level, the more I realise that my purpose here is to fight for those who can’t fight for themselves.

I’m neither police officer nor a lawyer, but I have this inner fire which tells me I can’t sit here while the people around me are screwed over.

 

I don’t know how yet, but I know that I have to do this; or I’m not worthy of being a human being.

 

Questions for the Comments

My current response to injustice is anger. As a co-facilitator of an Anger Management course, that can be useful, but I’d like to add more tools to my kit.

 

How do you deal with injustice?

Do you speak to the person directly, file a complaint, sit and stew, meditate, find the deeper value, talk to others about it?

If speaking to them doesn’t help, what’s the next step?

Do you sign petitions?
Would you attend protests if you had the time/money to do so?

Do you believe in your country/organisation despite being screwed over time and time again?

 

How do you, as a human being in an unjust world, face the day?

Because I can’t see how 7 billion people manage it, and I’d love to know the secret.

 

– Rose –

Compassion as a Resolution of Change

Compassion is something I’ve been discovering slowly.

I grew up with the view that nice people never get anywhere; that you mustn’t give until you know you have enough (not only for this instance, but to safeguard the entire future), and that people who gave their money or time away were dying, searching for retribution after being bad or just “stupid”.

 What I now realise is more tragic than being taught this; that he’s seen 50 years on this earth and still truly believes that.

The Search Begins

In March 2010, I began to give. I found generosity, I found support and I gave it. In that Summer, I purged my wardrobe, some of my unloved items… I gave money to a few new charities and I began to see that this could work: A world in which people were kind could possibly work.

In 2011, I delved further (in research) into Buddhism, into pacifism and into druidry; peacemaking. I went to Buddhfield Festival; a Buddhist festival where the theme was “abundance”; everyone and everything having MORE THAN ENOUGH.

I began the OBOD course for Druidry and began to see that archetypal medicine woman who had brought me to paganism in 2004 in the wisdom and symbols of that tradition.

I began helping out at an Anger Management course and I saw red for what I believe is the first time in my life. And I had some interesting experiences with both feeling that anger on some new levels and on the act of compassion without my control.

I’ve begun to wonder if all those “hippy thinkers” as someone in my family calls them were right. Can compassion be a natural human state; is it our natural state?

When you see people with dementia, those who have completely reset and forgotten that they have any duties, that they should worry about their memory; they’re often lovely people.

“Hello, it’s nice here, are you enjoying it?”

“Gran?”

“Who dear? Oh it’s a lovely day outside, come and sit with me.”

There’s this state of undeniable openness in children and in those who’ve lost their conditioning. No biases, no fears. Just… kindness.

The Shift

Sometimes, I still have to deal with my old labels, and with those old emotions. I have a lot of pent up frustration and anger that sometimes re-surfaces without warning.

These relapses often take that old form of depression; and I forget to have faith in compassion.

I especially think about my future; about how I want to teach my kids love and compassion; but then they’ll get walked over and shocked when they see the “truth” of human conditioning. If I raise them in a nonviolent, caring, abundant space; will they cope with the times when they don’t have a enough, or see pain and suffering for the first time?

Can I shield them in any way that won’t cause harm eventually?

And each time I come out of that state and remember “it’ll be innate. Hopefully I can help them find what I’m finding now at the age of 15, not 21, but they’ll find it.”

And as I re-surface, I remember that my partner grew up being told and experiencing his share of poverty, of prejudice, of poor education – but had a loving and devoted family life which kept him stable. It’s possible to raise an aware and understanding person who has lived in good experience.

The Belief

Yet, in that space, I can’t believe that humans are capable of changing back to that natural state. I can’t see how it would work. I can change my mind and their minds; but I can’t change that guy who’ll cut them up on the road, the boiler which will break in their house or that woman yelling swearwords at her child in the street.

I can’t fathom how I can live in a place like that.

“The ethical law in its simplest general form (be unselfish!) is plainly a fact, it is there, it is agreed upon even by the vast majority of those who do not very often keep it. I regard its puzzling existence as an indication of our being in the beginning of a biological transformation from an egoistic to an altruistic general attitude, of man being about to become an animal social. For a solitary animal egoism is a virtue that tends to preserve and improve the species; in any kind of community it becomes a destructive vice.”

- Erwin Schrödinger, Mind and Matter, p13

And I need that belief. I have that faith, that belief, when I return from that old place  of hurt. I believe in humans.

Dianne Sylvan expressed it well in her post on New Year changes.

“Despite the grim outlook, I can’t help but believe people are capable of great compassion, awareness, and evolution.  (And hey, if I’m wrong, we’ll all blow up, so you can’t say you told me so!)  I have to believe that or I can’t exist in this world, because I have to have hope…for people in general as well as for myself.  I have to believe I can change, that my heart can expand, that I can be better, even when I screw up on such a grand scale it seems like nothing will ever go right again.”

I need that. It’s taken me 21 months to fully name and actively, consciously try to shift my being into that state of compassion, and I’m right at the beginning.

So it’s 2012 and I’m getting back on the path of discovering my natural compassion, as a connection to others, to my heritage and to myself.

*raises glass*

Here’s to the human possibility of changes.

– Rose –

Emotions in the Body – Three Lessons on Anger and Fear

This is a bit of a long post (1,500 words), but notes a few different observations about emotions within the body and how body awareness need not be scary, but can heighten our ability to be kind to ourselves. These are my lessons from Buddhism, from Anger Management and from my own internal shifts of Strength.

 

I’m not going to lie (which in itself, is a phrase that I could write a whole post about).

I’ve been dealing with a lot of strain the past few weeks; from a job that won’t give me reliable work (and ended up costing me money), volunteering organisations that just won’t get round to filling in the forms, extra training and volunteering requirements on other placements and not being allocated a supervisor at university (thus not being able to do a dissertation and graduate).

I read blogs which talk consistently about accepting your current state, being allowed to feel and respecting your own capacity. I’ve been reading these kinds of posts for a few years now; but the lessons take a while to become part of my daily practise.


Lessons from Buddhism

I co-run a meditation society at University and this week, Karunajala asked how I was and I said; “I haven’t been allocated a supervisor, thus currently have no dissertation.”

His first question was “How does that feel?”

I feel betrayed, hurt and angry.

“Okay. Why?”

Because that means all three of my choices were given the option, and turned me down.

“Okay, so it feels personal. Is it really though?”

Well, they’re over-subscribed and they can only take so many people, so I know it’s not intended personally, but it still hurts.

“Okay, good. What if you couldn’t feel that betrayal and hurt? Stop thinking and feel. What would it be like if you could not feel those emotions? Who would you be without them?”

Erm.. I’d still be me, just me who didn’t feel betrayed?

“Okay.. I mean what feelings and what is left of you if you couldn’t feel betrayed?”

And I stopped. And felt. Really felt.

Tired.

“Ahh. You feel tired. So this is tiredness.”


- Emotions and the Physical Plane

The idea of the exercise wasn’t to stop feeling the emotions or to block out my experience. If anything, it added to the feelings; I noticed that I’m full of worry, of fear and of tiredness, beneath all those feelings of anger, betrayal and hurt.

However, I noticed that those emotions; they’re not in my head; they’re in my body.

I have a history of avoiding my body; of feeling uncomfortable and squeamish around it; but this was something I felt and was content to feel. I’m generally happy to feel my emotions (especially anger, which makes me feel powerful and sorrow which I spent so much time in as a child that it feels comforting) but this was a revelation to me.

This was a technique Hiro Boga used in the Sovereignty Kindergarten teleclass last year – and I remember I only tried it once, but got really strong feelings from it. The focus was different, but the technique was the same; the results of profound “Woah, I feel like this and I had no idea” are the same.

Since Tuesday when I first tried this in meditation, I’ve been trying to check in with it; with the “Vedana” or sensations; the emotions I feel within my body.


Lessons from Anger Management

On Wednesdays, I help out at an anger management group. I went on the course in May and have been helping out at them in the last two courses that have run. After going for myself, I noticed some difference, but not enough to really alter my deep-seated patterns. Now that I’m helping out, I can really notice other’s processes; not being caught up in my own.

One of the key things it’s helped me realise is that we all have a background state of stressors. When someone’s anger is triggered; the key issue isn’t that event, but a deeper lying view.


- The Shift

Nowadays, I’m noticing myself as a calmer person throughout the background stressors. When I saw the email saying I had been, effectively, rejected by all three of the supervisors I’d requested to do my dissertation with, I promptly burst into tears with the full emotions of anger, betrayal, despair and sadness/hurt. However, even while I cried, I dropped my shoulders, took a deep breath and sent off emails to my other options; people I hadn’t been able to put on the form (we could only put three choices down) and texted a friend who would be in my class that morning at University.

When she arrived at the computer room, she gave me a packet of chocolate and said “right, what can we do to sort this out and get you a nice, interesting dissertation.”

I called in re-enforcements in a situation where I would normally have stayed home and “called in sick” so that I could cry more.

In my day-to-day behaviours, I now mention a niggling annoyance within a day of it happening (if it’s going to be a continuous annoyance; like my housemate’s music being loud when she wakes up at 7am) instead of spending mornings getting more and more angry with her and being passive-aggressive about it all.

My emotions are the same; but my relationship to those emotions and to their triggers has shifted.


The Final Lesson: From my Inner Phoenix

It’s Sunday. I have three pieces of work due this week and have only finished one of them.

I spent the day drinking coffee and doing statistics… either for my statistics assignment or for my Philosophy of Statistics assignment. The latter is almost complete: I have one question left to answer and have already spent almost 10 hours on the other 15 (it’s only 1000 words…).

I had happy, upbeat music on, green tea and a mixture of healthy and unhealthy food… I was getting somewhere with the assignment and felt pretty happy with myself.

And then I saw a message in reply to an email I sent a week ago; a message that seemed neutral; but I suddenly found my hands shaking. At first I didn’t even compute that the message was the trigger. My hands had begun shaking and I felt a familiar emotion: anger.

Anger based in hurt and sense of utter panic. I felt the fear; my stomach was continuously flipping and I wanted to punch something.


- Feeling

I sat back, took some breaths and began singing to a happy song to keep my breathing even.

I tried to gently probe with my mind; to search my body for this emotion: I found it curling up in my stomach, stretching along my hands, seeping into my arms and up to coil around my tense shoulders. I recognised that I was in a state of panic, of even terror.

“I feel panic, I feel fear. I feel hurt and I feel anger.”

I re-read the message and felt the shift; felt the storm I’d begun to calm rise up again. “Ahar, so this is the trigger.”
I won’t go into the details, but I do not want to be in contact with anyone like this person. I do not like who they are or how they treat people. They owe me a substantial amount of money (I could buy food for two months with it…) and thus I have to stay in contact until that account is settled. While in contact with them, I’ve lost many nights of sleep in panic over them. I am afraid of them.

“I am afraid.”

The message stated that they can repay me but only at X time in Y place (a time I couldn’t make) and it brought me to terror.

“I’ll never get the money back, I can’t make that time, I’m going to starve.”

And then, I felt the surge of my inner phoenix; a part of me who has been learning from Anger Management and Buddhism, who has been slowly shifting the neurons in my brain to see things differently, who is slowly learning to stand up for me, to move to the front of the V.

“How dare they! They owe ME money. They OWE me. They shouted at me, swore at me, used my past again me! How dare they. No., I will not tolerate this!” and that part of me wrote back a short reply to the message:

“Can’t do that; any other times good? Obviously no point you being X and Y time when I won’t be there.”

The conversation went on with a little more drama about amounts and needing scanned in proof of the bill but it is set; now I’m leaving meditation early to meet them and get the payment. And I feel the fear of that meeting; but then I have this new sense of strength; there is a part of me who is capable of dealing with this fear.

Emotions are a key part of our lives; and I’ve found that asking “where do I feel this?” leads me to new understandings and new options. Because I felt my body, some part of me connected and knew to bring out another part of me to speak in spite of my fear and anger.

I’m quite new to this practise of feeling my emotions as sensations in my body and I’d love to hear if others have had any experiences with this or just how you experience emotions in general.
How do you connect with your emotions? Do you feel them in your body? Does it change or does anger always appear in a certain place/way?

– Rose –

Anger – Dopamine

Topic Choice: I’ve had quite a bit of anger this weekend and as I’m going to be assisting in the running of an anger management course in September, I decided this was a good (and hopefully useful to you) topic to begin with. If you have a particular area you’d like me to cover, contact me.

Please Note: Anger itself is a useful emotion that cannot be removed. We can just re-direct the energy and learn to cope with it in a meaningful way.

Anger is generally a response to a perceived threat – either a threat to your body, beliefs, friend/family or to your cognitions/personality/ego/ideals. Thus, commonly stems from feelings towards violence, injustice, betrayal or embarrassment.

Mine triggers are generally around injustice as I believe strongly in honouring your agreements; and young people change their minds a lot.

Most people can connect the physical attributes of anger, such as flushed cheeks, increased temperature, sweating palms and cognitive “seeing red” to the brain’s motor and sensory areas. However, I’m here to discuss the cause of the feeling; not the effect the feeling has on our body.

So, in the feeling of anger, there are two major components: the emotion itself (rawr!); and the trigger, or cause of the feeling (it’s not fair they did X, what about me?).
The Physical Components
Let’s look into this a little. There are two areas of the brain which are heavily involved in anger:

The frontal lobe is where your personality, judgement of others [and yourself] and emotional control is controlled. It is where our awareness of consequences, perceived differences/similarities and social acceptance stems from; thus controlling the judgemental action and the response you display to others.

The amygdala is thought to be responsible for our emotional memory. Thus it contains every time you’ve felt emotional; and the trigger of that.  It’s also where emotional learning is controlled; so when you learn a response to an emotion (e.g. to be afraid of a flame by the pain you just felt) that’s stored as an emotional memory here.
The Cognitive Mind
When you judge something as unjust or threatening; this is being controlled by the frontal lobe; and then your emotional response is also determined here; so whether you yell, go quiet, walk away, fume, laugh it off and so on.

So when you judge that action as threatening and begin to respond with anger; sometimes you suddenly remember all the other times they pissed you off. That is where we can see the amgydala’s role in action.
Neurochemistry
So what’s causing the brain to do this?
Well, it’s the chemicals which act as communicative messengers.

In terms of anger, serotonin is the most commonly mentioned transmitter (messenger chemical) cited. However, there is also a common messenger that is found in both the frontal cortex and the amygdala; and that’s Dopamine.
Dopamine
In the frontal lobe, dopamine-sensors are highest and thus dopamine has the greatest effect there. Dopamine is associated with reward, attention, planning and memory; yet it also modulates the sensory information arriving from the thalamus to the frontal lobe.

The thalamus takes in the sensory information – sights, smells and sounds, directing the impulses to the correct brain area. Thus, visual information goes via the amygdala to the visual cortex.

The amygdala activates three chemicals: dopamine, noradrenaline and epinephrine.
Dopamine in Anger
If dopamine can select various sensory information; it can lead to attention on one particular aspect. In the case of anger, I know I focus on the bad things; on how angry I feel, how hot I am, how they look so smug, etc. The thalamus provides information, the dopamine in the frontal lobe brings your attention to one bad thing; and then activates your judgemental thoughts; which bring up the amygdala’s emotional memories.

If like me, you ruminate and play the event over and over; it’s likely your dopamine is heightened and thus amplifies the attention on the negative judgement.
Practical Steps to Diffuse Anger
What doesn’t help.

-Rehearsing. This is imagining what you’d say or do to them perpetrator, which keeps you in the same loop described above.

What can help?
- Use the frontal lobe in other ways. Move your attention to redirect the dopamine. Especially planning, drawing, memory tasks or positive emotional memories are best as these directly affect the chemicals involved.

- Utilise dopamine in other ways – eat good food, do things which have a lot of sensory input [positively emotional movies are good or challenging games which require strategy], exercise.

- Visualise something from your memory – a lake you went to as a child, a friend’s laughter, the periodic table – something which requires concentration to remember or is positively charged.

- Step back. This is best once you’ve calmed from the initial feelings – think about when you acted the same as them. What were your reasons? Find three reasons for their actions which would make you feel compassion for them.
 * e.g. someone cuts you up in traffic. They could be rushing their wife to hospital, being chased by gunmen in another car or in so much suffering they didn’t even notice the cars around them. Even if when very unlikely to be true, I find this exercise still has a positive effect.

Do you have any others to suggest? What do you do to manage anger? I’ll be investigating serotonin in a future post.

– Rose –

P.S. Disclaimer: Please note that all the posts here are as accurate as possible in terms of a student’s knowledge and skills in connecting the dots. If anything is inaccurate, I’d love you to let me know. I am just learning and these connections are not necessarily supported scientifically.