Marty McConnell once said:

 “I don’t own
enough rage for it all — I am
ninety-five miles per hour on I-81, sprinting
to track the tirade vibrating
on the next stage

is Anybody Listening?

I live
in search of a cause worth dying for”

Quoted from “Give me one good reason to die”.

~

I’ve realised I do own enough rage for it all. And sadness. And grief.

I grieve for the injustices of others. I grieve for the childhood, the university courses, the beliefs I had to teach myself in 2007 when I realised my father’s view of the world poisons everything he touches. I grieve for the promises I was always given about a career.

And I’m grieving for the processes I was assured about in my interview. I asked how they run supervisions, and I was answered by ALL THREE panel members; each with their different responses but all agreeing that it’s of the upmost importance and that as a new member of staff I’d get more.

I’ve had 2.5 supervisions in 4.5 months. I requested one two weeks ago, and got no reply. Today I asked again, and I was offered one in four weeks time. Three weeks and 6 days I guess, that’s as good as four weeks. Despite me crying at work last week and this week. Despite me being given a case load equal to other members which I shouldn’t have until my 6 month “beginner” period is up.

Things are shifting, things are changing and I recognise we’re all in this whirlwind – uncertain and insecure… But I am grieving for the beliefs I once held, for the lies I was told and for the loss of everything stable in my life. I’ve left my house, my friends, my partner to come here and do this job.

And despite being told by colleagues at my level that I can talk to them, I’m feeling about as small as I possibly could. I’m told to call their personal numbers after hours, and that I should take this issue to X person.  Then X person says it can wait three days.

So here I am, waiting for the days to pass, trying to go through the motions and wondering if anyone is going to notice my crying at my desk.

Because no one did this morning.

Here’s my progress so far!

1 :: Every ‘thing’ must ‘fit’ comfortably in my flat. If not, something’s got to go. Check every 3 months for “excess”.

This weekend was my first time returning to my old bedroom. I’ve brought a lot of my books with me, and so far I’ve got enough room for everything. However, the purging for this quarter needs to happen soon. I’ve got a lot of items in boxes for a car boot sale, and I need to work out when to go home and sell it all/ get rid of it.

2 :: [the focus for this quarter] Settling in, get meditating once a week. Write novel / draw / dance for an hour a week.

Writing as a whole has been fantastic. I’ve got another novel in the works, I’m editing Wings of Skell, and I’ve even started submitting short fiction to publications and made myself a website for my pen name.

Meditation has been sporadic, but it has happened. My Buddhist teacher came to see me in February and we sat in my living room meditating. I’ve also been doing some visualisations.

I’ve been drawing too, and I’m planning to pick up my dance practise in the next few weeks.

3 :: Editing food and exercise

This is my focus for the next three months.

4 :: Getting outside in nature

This is the focus for the summer-autumn months.

5 :: Read two books and at least one OBOD lesson a month

I’ve read EIGHT books. Well on track for my 26 this year, though I did fabulously last year with this until July, so trying to keep up the momentum.

I’ve not done anything on my OBOD stuff since December,

6 :: Watch 4 ‘factual’ programmes a month

I have not been counting this, and I don’t think I actually care about it any more. As long as I’m learning stuff, it doesn’t matter where it’s from.

How are your goals shaping up?

– Rose –

I’m settled in the team and enjoying every part of the job except one. I’ve brought up that one part with my practise supervisor, and I’ll be talking about it again tomorrow with my manager.

Considering how I didn’t know what this job really entailed when they told me I’d got it, and how much I’ve enjoyed 90% of the aspects, I’ve been using a lot of my redefinition techniques over this period of change. From re-framing how I feel at 6:30am when I don’t want to make the commute to using meditation tools during difficult meetings where conflict arises. Although I get on with people in the team, and I’m constantly offered reassurance and support, I still feel like the girl who’s straight out of university and has never done anything like this before.

I know I’m repeating myself a lot – and trying to keep my head above water with this reoccurring issue. But I need to remember that it’s all temporary. I won’t be the new girl forever. I’ve got training over the next few months, I’ve had positive feedback about my individual sessions and write-ups. I’m learning as I go, and I’m doing okay.

It doesn’t matter if I take a while to get my head around things, and am asking the same question two or three times.

Being the new girl is all about patience, and about recognising that I need to patient with myself, as well as with the new obstacles that are arising.

And recognising that in six months time; in five years time – I will barely remember that I didn’t know all this stuff.

It’s March.

We’re nearly a quarter of the way through the year.

We finally have a new manager at work, the third group I’m running begins this week and I’m starting to get a sense of my routine.

This weekend I went home, contacted friends to arrange to hang out this week, got back into drawing, read an actual book, and even got as far as critiquing some pieces of other’s work.

Finally, I turned my attention back to my writing ‘career’ in the form of competitions and novel submission options.

Shifting

Throughout my adult life, I’ve flitted form one extreme to another; from each interest and obsession with ease. At University I attended two meditation societies, the circus club, a separate unicycling class and the rock music/pirate societies.

During my MSc, I volunteering in mental health, learning disability, social care and support work roles; worked in a café, cleaned toilets, taught Shivanata, wrote novels and gave tours to students.

Now I’m a Family Support Worker, and suddenly there’s only one thing to do each day. The job gives me some variety, but it’s not the same as having a few projects on the go at once.

I miss the stability my life had while I was constantly shifting.

Writing

In the last week, I’ve come home from work and thrown focus into writing and editing. I bought some Magic: the Gathering cards in the hope of getting back into that interest, and found myself looking at writing competitions.

With the interest sparked again, I don’t want to wait until November to submit my novel to the next competition.

Yet, the only other one has a deadline of NEXT WEEK.

That’s too soon, the voices in my mind said.

As I read the submissions, desperate to double-check that I couldn’t manage it, I found the passage I’d been wishing for:

“The novel does not need to be complete in order to be entered for the competition. It is acceptable to enter novels-in progress”.

I submitted a novel in September 2012. That was six months ago, and I need to keep the ball rolling, before the fear of rejection claims me. So last night, I printed it off and worked out the postage.
Over the weekend, I also focused on my literary CV – on getting “published credits.” Any competition I could win, or submission I might be paid for. The money didn’t matter – just the comment that I’ve been paid for my writing counts on my writing resume.

So I wrote my first piece of flash/micro fiction. Having read my first piece that morning, by 3pm I had four pieces ready for four competitions, and last night, I sent off the 4^th and 5^th pieces.

In the safety of shifting interests, I can keep my mind afloat.

And now all I need to do is wait for the next step to emerge.

How do you balance yourself in your interests?

Can you absorb yourself in one love, or do you switch around?

– Rose –

In the last month, I’ve had to deal with a lot of challenging and overwhelming situations, which I term as “blips” when I cannot cope with them. When I cry during the drive home, I’m clearly not in a space to adequately handle my emotions – making the commute dangerous. When I have to retreat to the bathroom because I’m so close to shouting and swearing and enraged, I’m aware that I’ve neglected my work duties in order to maintain my mental health.

I don’t see these blips as punishable actions, but as a less-than-desirable experience, that I put down to my new-ness.

Communication

When talking to my colleagues about these blips, I’m constantly told that it’s “not a blip, it’s just all new” or “it sounds like you did everything perfectly. You’ve clearly got the potential for this.”

It’s definitely a comfort that the issues I’m experiencing are things felt by the rest of the team in their own ways.

Last Wednesday, I spoke to the senior practitioner, and she asked what I needed to make the Tuesday course run smoother.

Having spent five hours looking after children who haven’t got boundaries or understanding of “no”, we then sit in a room and talk about the parent’s progress for what has lasted a further four and a half hours.

This second discussion is very emotional, and requires everyone’s input and views on each parent. I find out about their back-story, what the children I’m watching must have experienced; and without a break (we eat lunch with the families) it turns out I just cannot process all of my own thoughts and emotions.

After both of the Tuesday sessions we’ve run, I’ve had to leave early, cried while driving home, and texted my partner to come online early. Neither Tuesday could I eat dinner.

Managing Stress

In both cases, on the Wednesday morning, I’ve been able to talk to a colleague about it. But for that Tuesday night, I feel like a complete failure at my job. A week in, crying is allowed. The true realities of the job hit home. Two and a half months, though…

It doesn’t sit well that the crying hasn’t even decreased a little.

But I have my laptop now, so the senior practitioner talked about me writing my thoughts down quietly in the corner and she even suggested I completely disengage and switch off from listening until I’m ready to process the new information. I was glad to find out she agreed with my concerns – that the sessions aren’t structured and there’s no proper time-keeping.

And whenever I bring up a concern that I’m not handling things as I wish I were; I’m told that I’m doing everything right, that I’ve done so well to enter the team at this time, and that they’ve not felt this busy and struggled this much in years.

Creating Gaps

All I can do is take each day as it comes.

Today I know I’ll have to ask that child to pick up the toys about five hundred times. I know those two babies will cry and set each other off.

And I know that I need to take my laptop into the meeting following. I know that I need to go to the loo and grab my belongings before I sit down.

I’m learning that I need to create a break for myself; that I need a time to process when no one else provides a gap.

– Rose –

I’ve spoken before about my grandfather, and his Alzheimer’s Disease, but as with all stories, changes and new instalments occur.

Last I wrote, they were taking him off the Aricept. That was less than two months ago.

~

Last weekend, my parents saw him. He seemed well in general, until he asked after me, when he insisted he’d never been told that I have a partner.

He has met my other half several times over the last 6 years – but according to his brain, he had never heard of this, and asked what he’s like, and whether we would marry.

I wondered if he had forgotten my O.H because that little pathway is inaccessible.

But the fact that I’m with someone, might have stuck.

It seems not only has he forgotten the most important person in my life, but he’s forgetting more of me every day.

I cannot explain away that sadness.

My heart broke when I realised he will never know my future. Even if he lives long enough, he’ll never know my marriage, my children. And they would never know him.

Because he’s not just losing his memories of his family.

He’s losing himself.

~

I’ve talked before about my wish to be a scholar, and how in this topic I just can’t bring myself to understand the science of the disease.

Nevertheless, I told my mum he might have just had a bad day – that loss isn’t linear in this disease. That the protein build up on his neurons shifts every day, and that only specific neurons will have been affected.

But he used to have such a sense of honour, of loyalty; such a love and respect for education, and he used to get everyone out of their chairs to go for a walk, or play tennis, or croquet.

Hell, we played croquet less than six months ago, at his request!

 
It seems the man my mother had to sit beside knows none of those things. 

~

From my understanding, he’s not supposed to lose his core identity only a year or two into a disease described as “early stages, slow moving”. Not two months after he’s been taken off the medication that only halted it for six months in the first place.

The loss of new events, the inability to find the right words to explain things and the personality differences don’t occur in stage 1.

~

Which means he’s shifted in stage 2 of a 3 stage process.

And the small child inside who remembers him bouncing me on his knee has realised:

 I’ll never get him back.

The last two weeks have been highly emotional.

I began my first bit of lone work, co-working on a sexual abuse case, gave my professional opinion on whether a child should remain on a Child Protection plan and had to report a possible disclosure of domestic abuse to a social work manager.

But with pancakes, valentine’s day and talk of the upcoming spring and summer, work has been an enjoyable time. The topic of holidays and weekend activities is a large part of the morning discussions; and I realised I’ve got very little planned for this year. No holiday, no gigs and no festivals.

After noticing that some of my friends are building up a “Hawaii fund” or “Antarctica trip of a lifetime fund” I found myself wanting to plan for some nice events.

Since moving to Sussex, I’ve got back into my Druid practise, arranged to meet up with two friends and committed to attending the Brighton pub moots again.

However, that’s one event in six weeks. As a natural hermit who is now almost afraid of my own company, I want to set up some special one-off “holidays”.

A Bit of History

But thinking about what people generally do when they take time off work, my mind drew a blank. I had to think back to the reasons my parents took time off and the things I used to do in the school holidays.

One of the things my mum and I used to do was attend classical concerts run by the Kensington Philharmonic Orchestra, which her mother originally led in 1965. Especially with my grandfather’s Alzheimer’s, I’ve found myself missing that connection to my grandmother. He used to attend, and my mum and I would meet him there.

Then my mum’s eyesight deteriorated, my grandfather stopped attending, and I don’t remember the last time we went. I might have been about ten.

But the concerts are still going, and today I decided that now I drive, I could take the Monday morning off work and drive up there so mum and I could see them perform again. And if mum doesn’t want to go, maybe I’ll still do it anyway; taking myself to spend two hours with some connection to the grandmother I never knew.

What better way to connect with my heritage?

The Quest for Knowledge

In 2011, I decided to do all the things I’d never had the self-confidence to do before. I went to work in a café at a Buddhist festival, began Anger Management, got a summer job, attended lectures on Paganism at Witchfest International and began teaching Shivanata.

This year, I’m planning to go back to Witchfest and stay for the whole thing (or at least a good part of the evening). Now I’m not at university, and having been in education for 18 years, I want to keep some aspect of learning in my life.

This desire to keep learning also got me thinking about Buddhafield Festival.  I worked at the café in the morning, and attended workshops in the afternoon/evenings. In one way, this was good as I had structure and got to make friends on my shift. It also meant I didn’t have huge amounts of time without anything to do. And of course, attending the festival was free in return for working.

However, I missed a lot of workshops because the shift was set, and I think I would be willing to pay if I had that freedom to just wander the stalls, wander round the fields and spend more time in the meditation dome.

But I don’t have a tent, and wouldn’t feel safe sleeping there on my own. Also the last day of Buddhafield sparked the ending of a friendship, and part of me still feels the risk of that overrides the good that I got out of it.

Writing Opportunities

This afternoon I was told about World Fantasy Convention 2013, being held just a few miles away in Brighton. As a fantasy writer, the idea of four days meeting other writers and publishers and attending talks on writing, strikes me as a pretty good time.

I’ve two completed manuscripts in the midst of editing, and by November, I may even have finished another draft piece.

I would need to check with work, and I’m going to email a query before committing, but it’s another way to connect with writing; a practise that sustains me. And that’s what this year is all about – finding ways to aim for the stars while staying balanced.

Balancing the Hermit

All this planning is wonderful, and I’m excited to begin taking charge of my own life without being dictated by school holidays or plans my parents have made without consulting me.

However, I’m an only child who needs her space. I know that I can turn into too much of a hermit, and so I’m trying to compensate; while making sure I don’t overwhelm myself.

So I have my eight druid festivals, the eleven pub moots, two possible nights of KPO and a festival, convention or pagan event of some form.

I’d say I can fit in another 2 major events without overwhelming my life; particularly in april, may and july.

But for now, I’m keeping the calendar open and trusting that my path will reveal itself.

– Rose –

My manager made a comment that she could see me moving up the career ladder and not staying in this role forever. I took it as a compliment that she thinks I’m capable of more and clearly she thinks I’m motivated to do well. That’s all grand.

I also noticed fear and confusion though. I hadn’t thought about it – I’ve only been here six weeks. I’m worried about tomorrow morning, not a year from now. But it got me thinking.

The Path Ahead

One colleague in the same job role as me always talks about how she loves it, and her reasons are so believable. I’ve listened to her and thought ‘yes, this is fab and I always wanted to do this stuff’ and “you’re right, that must be the best feeling ever”.

And then I shadowed an assistant social worker who suggested my new colleague and I do a social work qualification. I could do it alongside my current job, funded and so on… That way I’d have more knowledge and job security as social workers are always needed.

But do I want to? Yes, it would mean job security, but in a job I don’t think I’d like. Knowledge is good, but if I got pushed into that job role, I think I would be unhappy.

With an open mind, I listened, smiled, said I’d think about it.

Forks in the Road

At this point, I’ve been in the social service industry for seven weeks. I don’t have a clue what I want to do in the future.

I applied last year for doctorate training in psychology. I thought it perfect for me; the idea of teaching CBT because, just as this blog was set up and I taught Shiva Nata – I want to help people help themselves. To teach them how to learn life’s lessons alone, so they have control.

Right now, I’m teaching how to budget, meal plan, how to deal with anger and stress… Teaching parents with young kids, who will learn from the parents I have taught.

To me, that sounds even more perfect. No extra social work training or new job necessary.

Either way, I need a solid year in this job before looking at others or trying to get onto qualification training.

But the subject won’t leave me.

If I do want to do further study, I need to do it quick. My mental health experience will be “out of date” soon enough, and I cannot afford to change my path after devoting five years here; when I plan to make some big changes in my life.

I just celebrated 6 years with my partner. I’m thinking about co-habiting and kids, moving from my heat-inefficient flat and now what kind of career I might want.
If I have to move to be with my partner, that means leaving this county. My job isn’t very often required, and I’d likely have to work weekends for less money in another county.

But I want kids more than I want a career.

So the path ahead is dark, and I’m taking the option to trust in the path I’ve chosen, and to enjoy the next seven months; until I need seriously re-consider my next steps forward.

– Rose –

I read the books, though about how much I needed some form of income to support my studies.

The focus fell on “getting visitors” and “constant income”. I read business books and followed advice that sounded sensible. I copied other formats and tried out things I’d seen work.

And now I’m here, end of January 2013, with a library of free resources, a store of services and products; and affiliate links to products I believe in.

Recognising Energy

My new job pays me just enough. I was very happy with the pay rate, though I hear others around the office say it’s not enough to live on. As I’ve only had one full payday, and they messed up my tax code; I currently don’t have enough to live on (thankfully I have savings).

Two weeks ago, I came home to see a little “hey, here’s some affiliate money” email and felt a tiny pressure release. Someone had paid for my groceries for that week by buying something they wanted.

In that moment, I wondered if I should try to up the ante again; to get back to teaching regular classes and to promoting the hell out of my website again; to writing the monthly newsletter for another year.

My tax code won’t get sorted until April now, and they’re not well-known for processing things quickly, so it may take as long as June-July to actually get back the money they owe me.

But then, I recognised that I didn’t like that stuff. And I don’t have the energy to do a 10 hour day, drive, cook, clean, and wind down in order to sleep PLUS running the blog as a business again.

Finding Purpose

This blog began as a platform to share my learning, help others and make trickles of income. All of which I’m doing by just writing the blog posts, which is something I love doing.

All the business advice says to have a newsletter, to offer discounts in a “members-only” area, to promote and to revise everything until it’s amazing.

And right now, I don’t have the balance right in my life to commit to that.

So the newsletter is stopping. The member’s only area will be filled with little extras as and when I find the energy for them. I’ll likely begin posting about social work as I experience it, and the neuroscience side will focus on development; because that’s the information I’ll be using at work.

That’s the learning I’ll be living every day.  And that’s what this platform started as – a way for me to live what I learned during my neuroscience degree, and to share that so others could live it too.

– Rose –

This year, I’ve ignored January in terms of my goals so that I can settle into my new job and focus on making sure I can pay the rent. Now I’m feeling more settled, I wanted to break down my 3 focuses into manageable and measurable tasks.

Reduce Excess

I don’t remember when I began the journey toward minimalism, but as I’ve now nearly finished moving out of my parent’s house, I can safely say it’s going well. I still have more than I wish I had; but it’s certainly in progress. It all fits in a one-bed flat and I’ll be working to keep only what I use in my new role as a worker, a woman, a twenty-something-year-old.

I’m also going to reduce the “laziness” and junk food, perhaps cutting down on certain foods or by creating new meals and exercise routines. Either way, I’m reducing my intake of bad things, as well as bringing new patterns into my life.

Action Points:

 1

-          Every ‘thing’ must ‘fit’ comfortably in my flat. If not, something’s got to go. Check every 3 months for “excess”.

Creation

I want to get back to creating as a regular practise – be that art and crafts, meditation, or bringing about new patterns into my life. I’m hoping to get back into my old exercise routine and increase the healthy snacks before cutting down on the negative pieces.

My proposed exercise is simple – to dance and do yoga, to do a few strength-building practices and get outside, walking once a month at minimum (it seems having a car has completely removed my ability to go for a walk).

Having co-run meditation sessions for nearly four years, I want to get back to regular meditation. It helps me feel more balanced and gives me the mental strength to handle my feelings, particularly with my job, not just reading files of abuse, but meeting families themselves.

2 & 3 & 4

-          Jan – March = settling in, get meditating once a week. Write novel / draw / dance for an hour a week.

-          April – June = increase good food. Start regular strength exercise.

-          July – September = Reduce sugary food and get outside once a month

-          October – December = Find exercise outside of my home, and reduce processed food

Learning as a Scholar

Once more, I want to embrace that vision of myself as a bookworm, nerd and scholar. I want to learn about the quantum physics behind the oxygen I breathe, the neuroscience behind the effects of caffeine and gain general knowledge about the world around me.

Two weeks ago, my manager said she’d picked me for the job because I seemed to be a “sponge” able to pick up knowledge and skills quickly.

I was rather chuffed by the comment!

Part of understanding my world includes my faith and the stories of this country, of my ancestors. This is where my OBOD home study course comes in. I want to know myself; why I am who I am and why I believe what I do. What my predecessors believed and why. This links back to “take a walk once a month”.

5 & 6

-          Read two books a month

-          Read at least one OBOD lesson a month (even if it takes longer to do the exercises

-          Watch 4 ‘factual’ programmes a month

So those are my measurable goals for 2013. And if I start to forget, I have my themes to at least keep me on track.

I am heading for potential and improvement; seeking the stars.

– Rose –