Grieving: My Concept of a Job

Apr23

Things have been quiet here. One reason is that I’m working on a website for my writing. A second reason is that I’ve had nothing positive or useful to say about work, redefinition or my learning.

Marty McConnell once said:

“I don’t own
enough rage for it all — I am
ninety-five miles per hour on I-81, sprinting
to track the tirade vibrating
on the next stage

is Anybody Listening?

I live
in search of a cause worth dying for”

Quoted from “Give me one good reason to die”.

I’ve realised I do own enough rage for it all. And sadness. And grief.

I grieve for the injustices of others. I grieve for the childhood, the university courses, the beliefs I had to teach myself in 2007 when I realised my father’s view of the world poisons everything he touches. I grieve for the promises I was always given about a career.

And I’m grieving for the processes I was assured about in my interview. I asked how they run supervisions, and I was answered by ALL THREE panel members; each with their different responses but all agreeing that it’s of the upmost importance and that as a new member of staff I’d get more.

I’ve had 2.5 supervisions in 4.5 months. I requested one two weeks ago, and got no reply. Today I asked again, and I was offered one in four weeks time. Three weeks and 6 days I guess, that’s as good as four weeks. Despite me crying at work last week and this week. Despite me being given a case load equal to other members which I shouldn’t have until my 6 month “beginner” period is up.

Things are shifting, things are changing and I recognise we’re all in this whirlwind – uncertain and insecure… But I am grieving for the beliefs I once held, for the lies I was told and for the loss of everything stable in my life. I’ve left my house, my friends, my partner to come here and do this job.

And despite being told by colleagues at my level that I can talk to them, I’m feeling about as small as I possibly could. I’m told to call their personal numbers after hours, and that I should take this issue to X person. Then X person says it can wait three days.

So here I am, waiting for the days to pass, trying to go through the motions and wondering if anyone is going to notice my crying at my desk.

Because no one did this morning.

A Year of Events

Feb19

The last two weeks have been highly emotional.

I began my first bit of lone work, co-working on a sexual abuse case, gave my professional opinion on whether a child should remain on a Child Protection plan and had to report a possible disclosure of domestic abuse to a social work manager.

But with pancakes, valentine’s day and talk of the upcoming spring and summer, work has been an enjoyable time. The topic of holidays and weekend activities is a large part of the morning discussions; and I realised I’ve got very little planned for this year. No holiday, no gigs and no festivals.

After noticing that some of my friends are building up a “Hawaii fund” or “Antarctica trip of a lifetime fund” I found myself wanting to plan for some nice events.

Since moving to Sussex, I’ve got back into my Druid practise, arranged to meet up with two friends and committed to attending the Brighton pub moots again.

However, that’s one event in six weeks. As a natural hermit who is now almost afraid of my own company, I want to set up some special one-off “holidays”.

A Bit of History

But thinking about what people generally do when they take time off work, my mind drew a blank. I had to think back to the reasons my parents took time off and the things I used to do in the school holidays.

One of the things my mum and I used to do was attend classical concerts run by the Kensington Philharmonic Orchestra, which her mother originally led in 1965. Especially with my grandfather’s Alzheimer’s, I’ve found myself missing that connection to my grandmother. He used to attend, and my mum and I would meet him there.

Then my mum’s eyesight deteriorated, my grandfather stopped attending, and I don’t remember the last time we went. I might have been about ten.

But the concerts are still going, and today I decided that now I drive, I could take the Monday morning off work and drive up there so mum and I could see them perform again. And if mum doesn’t want to go, maybe I’ll still do it anyway; taking myself to spend two hours with some connection to the grandmother I never knew.

What better way to connect with my heritage?

The Quest for Knowledge

In 2011, I decided to do all the things I’d never had the self-confidence to do before. I went to work in a café at a Buddhist festival, began Anger Management, got a summer job, attended lectures on Paganism at Witchfest International and began teaching Shivanata.

This year, I’m planning to go back to Witchfest and stay for the whole thing (or at least a good part of the evening). Now I’m not at university, and having been in education for 18 years, I want to keep some aspect of learning in my life.

This desire to keep learning also got me thinking about Buddhafield Festival. I worked at the café in the morning, and attended workshops in the afternoon/evenings. In one way, this was good as I had structure and got to make friends on my shift. It also meant I didn’t have huge amounts of time without anything to do. And of course, attending the festival was free in return for working.

However, I missed a lot of workshops because the shift was set, and I think I would be willing to pay if I had that freedom to just wander the stalls, wander round the fields and spend more time in the meditation dome.

But I don’t have a tent, and wouldn’t feel safe sleeping there on my own. Also the last day of Buddhafield sparked the ending of a friendship, and part of me still feels the risk of that overrides the good that I got out of it.

Writing Opportunities

This afternoon I was told about World Fantasy Convention 2013, being held just a few miles away in Brighton. As a fantasy writer, the idea of four days meeting other writers and publishers and attending talks on writing, strikes me as a pretty good time.

I’ve two completed manuscripts in the midst of editing, and by November, I may even have finished another draft piece.

I would need to check with work, and I’m going to email a query before committing, but it’s another way to connect with writing; a practise that sustains me. And that’s what this year is all about – finding ways to aim for the stars while staying balanced.

Balancing the Hermit

All this planning is wonderful, and I’m excited to begin taking charge of my own life without being dictated by school holidays or plans my parents have made without consulting me.

However, I’m an only child who needs her space. I know that I can turn into too much of a hermit, and so I’m trying to compensate; while making sure I don’t overwhelm myself.

So I have my eight druid festivals, the eleven pub moots, two possible nights of KPO and a festival, convention or pagan event of some form.

I’d say I can fit in another 2 major events without overwhelming my life; particularly in april, may and july.

But for now, I’m keeping the calendar open and trusting that my path will reveal itself.

– Rose –

Key Principles of Alchemy: Defining My Role

Nov6

- You always have a choice
- One choice is always to “do it differently”

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. – Albert Einstein -

An Example

Growing up, I saw criticism dealt with in two ways.
My mother would apologise and feel guilty.
My father would deny it, insult you for making accusations and usually do the thing more to show you it was fine and needed no criticism.

As a child, I grew up always reacting to criticism by crying and apologising. I then realised that didn’t work and started to fight back, angrily refusing to acknowledge the comment.
Then I noticed that that too, didn’t really work. Being angry and feeling “right” feels better than feeling guilty and crying… and the criticism usually didn’t reappear. But it didn’t make my life work any better.

* * *

I met my partner, began seeking criticisms on my poetry, left home and discovered a third option: I can accept the comment and evaluate its truth.
Then I can make a decision.

*** I can choose to ignore the comment, saying that I’m happy doing X action in X way. Or I can look at changing it. ***

This does not require crying or yelling, I feel happier about my own behaviour, and I can graciously accept their opinion.
That’s alchemy.

Simplicity

It makes every situation sound simple, putting it in an algorithm like that. And in essence, most of the techniques used in self-development are simple to understand.

However, that doesn’t make them easy.
Sometimes those choices are made with your head and not your heart.
And that’s why I’m here. To ease the journey, to help keep you on track and to give you support.
The Alchemy Forge is your first step to accessing help on this journey.

* * *

I have moved back in with my parents for a bit, while I find a flat and car, until my new job begins. That means moving back into a place that stunts my growth, feels unsafe, has bad memories and where I am re-conditioned every day by the negativity I was brought up with.
I’m back in that bedroom where I prayed to any God who may exist, and where I used to muffle my crying in case I got yelled at for “being too loud”.
And that is a choice. Because I chose not to get a part-time job this year, I chose this. I knew at the time that this would be a consequence.
And with that awareness, I’ve been building systems into my parent’s house. I’ve recycled my old diaries where I wrote about those bad experiences, I’m halving my belongings and in the process of making space for my future, I’ll be letting go of my past.

Support

I’m an alchemist. I’ve been redefining my life since those dark days 8 years ago. I began my alchemy apprenticeship within that very bedroom.
You may not have experienced redefinition before now, and that’s where my role begins. I can help you redefine your mental space, your physical brain, the rooms of your house and the way you see the world.
I’ve walked this path in three houses, worked on all aspects and I’ve found what doesn’t work as often as what does.
This is what redefinition alchemy is all about. And this is my role.

– Rose –

Rose (MSc): Graduation Fears

Oct23

It’s official.

I passed my Masters in Cognitive Neuroscience. I got a first in my dissertation, and I beat my BSc score (though the grade is the same).

Results came out last Wednesday at 4pm – while I was at my granddad’s house. So I used my snazzy phone to look it up as the time rolled around. My granddad didn’t even respond; despite explaining what it was and what it meant.

Just thirty minutes before he’d asked if my new job would make use of my degrees and would it allow me to keep learning because he knows I need to learn to be happy. He’d gone on about his own school days in a military school, and his first jobs. And come back to “your degrees, they’re good?”

Telling him I’d done better in my MSc than my BSc, and better in the MSc dissertation by a whole grade; he barely registered it. Telling him I was happy with the results left no impression. Within ten minutes, he’d forgotten. Mum proposed a toast at dinner to my results and he hadn’t just forgotten; he ignored it as if the reminder hadn’t even registered.

I’m not bothered that people don’t care – I’m bothered that this is something he should be excited or happy or concerned or interested in – because he values education so highly.

Graduation

At the weekend, mum asked if I want to go to the MSc graduation in January.

It’s a lot of money and fuss, I only made two friends on my course, I don’t have a dress and I’d be taking a day off work. But I could get a proper photograph, the gowns are nicer for masters, my partner might be able to come, I’d get to see my two friends…

And when I think back to my BSc graduation, all I remember is being told that my granddad is going to the doctor because they think he has Alzheimer’s.

* * *

But I doubt he’d even come to this one.

They’re taking him off the medication and he’ll go back to declining at a faster rate.

I read a New Scientist article about the hopes for prevention ~ but they won’t help my granddad. His wife asked me what he could have done to stop it – could he have eaten better or exercised more?

I don’t know many people with dementia who have climbed mountains just a few years before. Snowdon 3 times. Ben Nevis twice. He eats healthily, rambles, goes square dancing, paints, reads the paper, does the Sudoku puzzle daily.

But he has a build up of plaques and is on the verge of depression.

And Aricept caused him heart rate to reach 45bpm (for a 65+ year old the rate is 50-55 if they’re still an athlete). He’s 84. He should have been unconscious with that rate.

So they’ll likely take him off the drug, and he’ll be even less likely to be himself, to be excited, and more likely to feel depression. If he declines faster, will he forget to be depressed? Would he be happier?

* * *

At my BSc graduation, I found out about his Alzheimers. Last week at his house, I found out my MSc results, and got no response.

The time for mourning may have already arrived; but I don’t want to give up hope. I can’t fight this, but I don’t know how to just give up.

And I’m not sure I want to graduate without him.

– Rose –

Weekend Wind-Up: Nine

Oct19

It’s time to do my semi-regular check-in post, ready for the weekend. In the last two weeks I’ve got a job, bought a car, finished and submitted a novel and found out I passed my MSc with Merit.

So it’s been a busy few weeks.

If you missed the latest blog post, this week I talked about pushing my boundaries and buying a car. Take a look here if you missed it.

I Am Currently…

Listening to: Papa Roach – Where Did The Angels Go

Eating: Nothing

Drinking: Nettle Tea

Reading: On Writing – Stephen King & The $100 Startup – Chris Guillebeau

(Most Recently) Watching: An old episode of Top Gear

Wearing: PJ bottoms and a blue tshirt

Writing: Nothing. Trying to take a break from it after finishing 80,000 words… but it’s difficult.

Thinking: I hate going to the dentist.
Why do I have such an anxious personality? I’d never noticed that I was this bad until I had to do lots of travel for interviews and noticed my first thought on a train is “if it crashes, I want to sit up straight so my legs are crushed but my spine doesn’t snap”… I’m not even panicked when I think it – it’s just as a normal for me as “must take a sandwich for lunch”.
And I’m sure that’s not “normal”.

Feeling: Tired. Overwhelmed. First ever job, actually bought a car despite still being a bit terrified of driving, moving into a single flat despite being afraid of the dark and robbers and rapists and murderers breaking in. And then family stuff which is all very sad or anger-inducing.

Wanting: To go back to bed and have a damned good cry.

Needing: To feel supported. I know I am, I’m just struggling to connect with the feeling. And my partner is having a really tough time and we can’t be here for each other.

Enjoying: I enjoyed looking at different cars. The fact that I got into a six-year old car and thought “blimey this looks modern” shows how many 8 year old cars I’ve sat in. I also enjoyed cleaning my car while testing the stereo. Glad I own a few decent music CDs.

Grateful for: My mum, my partner, my closest friends (you know who you are), this laptop, my new phone, doing better on my MSc than in my BSc. Makes it all worth it.

Looking at the Weather: Grey Clouds.

On Being a Student: The Final Week

Aug14

So the water flows into the river, I must flow into my new role

On Thursday, I give in my dissertation and my course officially ends. I’ll be out of education.

On Friday, I move out:

An unemployed, living-back-with-my-parents-full-time post-graduand.

My very first school took in four-year-olds under the title of “rising fives”… Thus I started my first school one week after I turned four. In a week’s time, I will turn twenty-two. That’s 18 years (give or take 2 weeks) of full-time education. I went to a catholic all girls secondary, moved to a mixed college and then left home to pursue a BSc; complete with my first ever festival, my first few gigs, mental health experience, paid casual work, my first summer job and my first experience of bills, public transport and cooking. Then I stayed on for my MSc in the safety of the world I’d built with systems of support in its walls.

And now, now I’m going into the world of work, having left the community I spent four years building.

Fear and Acceptance

The whole journey of leaving home at 18 has given me an odd form of faith. Somehow, things seem to work out. I always manage to make ends meet, I sorted out a work schedule that allowed me to earn money, study, meet up with friends and volunteer so that I had the best range of experiences.

Like the phoenix, I have melted under pressure and risen up anew from a pile on the floor. I discovered a form of brain-training and began to teach. I recognised my fears of public speaking, so I spoke at conferences and signed up to give tours. I kept my eyes open and leapt when I felt strong. And when I felt weak, I curled up in my room with its lock and gave myself space.

Transitions

My journey through university has been about extending my comfort zone, growing as a full person and respecting my own feelings. I don’t go clubbing and get drunk a lot; I sit in with a book and a green tea. Rather than go shopping for things I don’t need with money I don’t have, I step into a circle with 50 druids every 8 weeks and chant the awen.

I’ve noticed the aspects in myself I dislike, and I’ve become an alchemist in order to change them – from my short temper and my passive-aggressive anger style to my generally judgemental attitude and my conditioned fear responses.

Heading forward into this next life-stage, I’ll be using my forge more than ever to challenge my thoughts, my language and my actions. For the next couple of weeks, as I celebrate the transition into a new life stage, I’ll be focused on minimising extraneous “stuff” and opening myself to new thought processes. I can focus on Shivanata and look for the chinks of light beneath the barriers I used to keep tightly around me.

I’ve been the apprentice; now it’s my time to pick up the tongs.

– Rose –

Want to know what I can do for you? As phoenix rises from ashes into flame, the alchemist turns lead to gold.

Wander over to the Alchemy Forge and let me fire up your dreams.

Weekend Wind-Up :: Four

Aug11

This is my forth Weekend Wind-Up – where I wind up from the week with a few reflections and some reminders of “being present” in the now.

If you missed the latest main post, it’s an interview over at Emmanuelle Lambert’s site, click here to view my reasons for becoming an alchemist.

I Am Currently…

Listening to: Nickleback – Burn it to the Ground

Eating: Peshwari Naan [breakfast]

Drinking: Green tea and water

Reading: God on your Own – Joseph Dispenza

Most Recently Watched: Some program about sea otters in California on BBC four. Ahar, it was called Nature’s Microworlds.

Wearing: Brown skirt & black strap top.

Writing: NOTHING <3 Dissertation is done until a quick proof-read on Monday. Having said that, I am writing this and hopefully a blog post today.

Thinking: Too much about everything. It’s going to be a hectic week.

Feeling: Anxious. My grandfather’s been taken off his Aricept due to complications and he had an operation this week. Feeling very much out of the loop and for all my neuroscience and psychobiology knowledge, I am powerless.

Wanting: To get a job in Brighton. To be away from here, surrounded by my community.

Needing: A rest. All my muscles hurt form the 12 mile cycle yesterday and my existing pain.

Enjoying: This green tea and having my window open.

Grateful for: Food, shelter and drink. I’ve been able to maintain my meal pattern relatively well despite being at my parent’s house.

And The Weather: Sunny, hot… too hot. Hoping it’ll cool soon.

Weekend Wind-Up :: three

Jul27

This is my Weekend Wind-Up – where I wind up from the week with a few reflections and some reminders of “being present” in the now.

If you missed this week’s main blog post, click here. It’s my 100th post about the Alchemy of Reflection and includes a picture of the spaniel I dog-sat.

I Am Currently…

Listening to: Rob Zombie – Foxy Foxy

Eating: Cereal

Drinking: Just finished a nettle tea and made a green tea. Same as last week.

Reading: On Writing – Stephen King, Working with Young People – Harrison and Wise, Descartes’ Error – Antonio Damasio, Biopsychology – Sheila Hayward & Mind and Matter – Erwin Schrödinger

Most Recently Watched: Secrets of our Living Planet ~ 4. Waterworlds

Wearing: Black skirt & red, white and blue stripe strap top.

Writing: Dissertation. Dissertation. Anything but my dissertation.

Thinking: I really want job B out of the 4 I currently could get.

Feeling: Slightly relieved I didn’t get the PhD funding. Three years is a LONG time. Really anxious about yesterday’s interview. And next week’s.

Wanting: To have a finished draft of my dissertation just magically appear in front of me… I’m better at editing than the original writing. What’s the point of believing in magic if I can’t use it to make my homework appear?

Needing: I feel quite content today. I’m fed, watered, rested and I have a fan to keep me cool. I would like a break from this work, but it’ll all be over in 4 weeks, so I’ll have to wait until then.

Enjoying: The quiet of the house. It’s just the two of us; my housemate and I. It’s nice.

Grateful for: Everything I have today.

And The Weather: I’d call it a Heatwave ~ far too hot to rush to London in interview clothes for… but quite pleasant to sit in my room with window open and fan on.

The Weekend Wind-Up: Two

Jul22

I began a new series last week – the “Currents” posts which have been appearing on my favourite sites. I’m already a day behind with the series and this is only the second instalment; but as it’s called a “weekend” wind-up, I guess Friday – Sunday is still covering it.

I Am Currently…

Listening to: Simon and Garfunkel – Bridge over Troubled Water

Eating: Just ate pizza – ham, pineapple and sweetcorn with basil.

Drinking: Just finished a nettle tea and made a green tea.

Reading: On Writing – Stephen King and Mind and Matter – Erwin Schrödinger

Watching: Just watched Nina Conti’s Talk to the Hand (2010).

Wearing: Jeans, green sparkly strap top, grey socks with pink and purple stripes.

Writing: Blog post ideas and dissertation. The novel’s on hold.

Thinking: I think I could possibly throw my voice if I trained hard.

Feeling: Torn between job ideals – I’ve an interview this week, one next week and I’d like to get the one in three weeks time (plus hear back form the one 2 weeks back).

Overwhelmed – re-learning to drive, buying a car/insurance/tax disc, finding a flat, getting a job, leaving this house, moving out of parents house, adjusting to my partner being in a new home over 100 miles away.

Wanting: To sing. I miss being good at singing and my confidence in my own voice. I’d like to sing to get better; but won’t sing with my housemates around until I’m better. -sigh-

Needing: A good dance! Bon Jovi it is!

Enjoying: Life in general – lots of possibilities and moments of potential.

Grateful for: Music, tea and my hot water bottle.

And The Weather: Came back to the glorious blue sky and sun of Brighton.