Category Archives: Perception

Grieving: My Concept of a Job

Things have been quiet here. One reason is that I’m working on a website for my writing. A second reason is that I’ve had nothing positive or useful to say about work, redefinition or my learning.

 

Marty McConnell once said:

 “I don’t own
enough rage for it all — I am
ninety-five miles per hour on I-81, sprinting
to track the tirade vibrating
on the next stage

is Anybody Listening?

I live
in search of a cause worth dying for”

Quoted from “Give me one good reason to die”.

~

I’ve realised I do own enough rage for it all. And sadness. And grief.

I grieve for the injustices of others. I grieve for the childhood, the university courses, the beliefs I had to teach myself in 2007 when I realised my father’s view of the world poisons everything he touches. I grieve for the promises I was always given about a career.

And I’m grieving for the processes I was assured about in my interview. I asked how they run supervisions, and I was answered by ALL THREE panel members; each with their different responses but all agreeing that it’s of the upmost importance and that as a new member of staff I’d get more.

I’ve had 2.5 supervisions in 4.5 months. I requested one two weeks ago, and got no reply. Today I asked again, and I was offered one in four weeks time. Three weeks and 6 days I guess, that’s as good as four weeks. Despite me crying at work last week and this week. Despite me being given a case load equal to other members which I shouldn’t have until my 6 month “beginner” period is up.

 

Things are shifting, things are changing and I recognise we’re all in this whirlwind – uncertain and insecure… But I am grieving for the beliefs I once held, for the lies I was told and for the loss of everything stable in my life. I’ve left my house, my friends, my partner to come here and do this job.

And despite being told by colleagues at my level that I can talk to them, I’m feeling about as small as I possibly could. I’m told to call their personal numbers after hours, and that I should take this issue to X person.  Then X person says it can wait three days.

So here I am, waiting for the days to pass, trying to go through the motions and wondering if anyone is going to notice my crying at my desk.

Because no one did this morning.

Key Principles of Alchemy: Defining My Role

-          You always have a choice
-          One choice is always to “do it differently”

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. – Albert Einstein -


An Example

Growing up, I saw criticism dealt with in two ways.
My mother would apologise and feel guilty.
My father would deny it, insult you for making accusations and usually do the thing more to show you it was fine and needed no criticism.

As a child, I grew up always reacting to criticism by crying and apologising. I then realised that didn’t work and started to fight back, angrily refusing to acknowledge the comment.
Then I noticed that that too, didn’t really work. Being angry and feeling “right” feels better than feeling guilty and crying… and the criticism usually didn’t reappear. But it didn’t make my life work any better.

 * * *

I met my partner, began seeking criticisms on my poetry, left home and discovered a third option: I can accept the comment and evaluate its truth.
Then I can make a decision.

*** I can choose to ignore the comment, saying that I’m happy doing X action in X way. Or I can look at changing it. ***

This does not require crying or yelling, I feel happier about my own behaviour, and I can graciously accept their opinion.
That’s alchemy.


Simplicity

It makes every situation sound simple, putting it in an algorithm like that. And in essence, most of the techniques used in self-development are simple to understand.

However, that doesn’t make them easy.
Sometimes those choices are made with your head and not your heart.
And that’s why I’m here. To ease the journey, to help keep you on track and to give you support.
The Alchemy Forge is your first step to accessing help on this journey.

 * * *

I have moved back in with my parents for a bit, while I find a flat and car, until my new job begins. That means moving back into a place that stunts my growth, feels unsafe, has bad memories and where I am re-conditioned every day by the negativity I was brought up with.
I’m back in that bedroom where I prayed to any God who may exist, and where I used to muffle my crying in case I got yelled at for “being too loud”.
And that is a choice. Because I chose not to get a part-time job this year, I chose this. I knew at the time that this would be a consequence.
And with that awareness, I’ve been building systems into my parent’s house. I’ve recycled my old diaries where I wrote about those bad experiences, I’m halving my belongings and in the process of making space for my future, I’ll be letting go of my past.


Support

I’m an alchemist. I’ve been redefining my life since those dark days 8 years ago. I began my alchemy apprenticeship within that very bedroom.
You may not have experienced redefinition before now, and that’s where my role begins. I can help you redefine your mental space, your physical brain, the rooms of your house and the way you see the world.
I’ve walked this path in three houses, worked on all aspects and I’ve found what doesn’t work as often as what does.
This is what redefinition alchemy is all about. And this is my role.

– Rose –

The Alchemist Ponders Jobs

As an alchemist, I seek transitions. I see the lead around me, particularly in mental health and wellbeing, and I can just imagine all the silver beneath it.

In May, I applied for my first ever full-time job. I then applied for my second at the end of June. By the end of August, of the nine applications, I had five interviews: one in social work, one for a PhD, two in youth work and one in mental health. It’s now the end of October, and I’ve secured a job.


Expectations of a Dream

Since I was young, I’ve flitted between interests and enjoyments. Other than swimming, karate and my first degree, I’ve never stuck to one thing for more than a year. And even then, I took three types of swimming, and did a second degree in a different area.

A couple of weeks ago, I was asked what my dream job would be. Without thinking, I said a Falconer. Secondly, my dream of working with people who experience domestic abuse. Third, my love of running anger management and life skills courses. Fourth, I LOVE teaching Shivanata. But then I love learning and would love to do another degree.

If I picture my life in five years, I’m a housewife and stay-at-home mum; writing novels and painting.

So your guess is as good as mine.


Seeking the Silver

I’ve attributed this to my ability to seek possibility and potential in any space. All the jobs I apply for; from the hospital staff jobs involving cleaning patients to the funded PhD student jobs, have a silver lining I can truly grasp hold of and love.

I wrote a piece for Emmanuelle about my “why” in life, and I can see that opportunity in most job roles in the social care or wellbeing sectors.

“I know that my purpose here is to teach people to help themselves, teach them how to research, to reach out and connect. I’m not here to help you each time you fall; I’m here to teach you how you can get yourself back up again.”

So far, I’ve refurbished the Alchemy Forge to provide services in brain-training, energy healing, word-smithing and self-connecting. These are tools I use in my every day life, and intend to carry into my next job with me, to turn the iron or lead into silver and gold.

Now I’ve been offered a job working with families; teaching life skills and assessing the wellbeing of children. I can see how it fits in with my “dream”.


The Challenges

However, all the jobs I have experienced and think about doing in the future are emotionally challenging. I want to help people in bad places; so I’m going to see bad places, and meet people who are in them. I’m working in an area where this is common and I am well-trained. I know what I’m getting into.

My partner is a foundation doctor, working in a children’s unit. He got into the job to help people who aren’t well. But instead, he’s reporting child abuse and treating babies with cracked skulls.

He didn’t sign up for that. I signed up for helping with child abuse. I worked my way up from working with adults to children, from depression to hospitalised conditions… to children at risk in their own homes.

My partner just wants to help make people’s lives better. But my partner has to treat a parent who has caused lasting damage to a baby like any other person. He has to bite his tongue and sit on his hands as this parent asks when they can go home.
All jobs have challenges. I know I’m specifically going into a challenging field, which is looked upon as wholly negative by a lot of families. I feel that I can deal with it because I can see the iron and change it into gold.

But I don’t know how anyone else deals with it. If anyone earns my compassion, it’s the doctors and the teachers who aren’t there with the purpose of seeing abuse; but have to deal with it anyway.


Your Input

How did you choose your current job?
What lessons have you learned about job-seeking?
What tools would you find most useful in your roles?
How do you deal with anything you didn’t expect?

– Rose –

Mental Health: Just Part of the Story

Sometimes, I think of myself as an open ambassador for mental health. I talk openly about my OCD-type symptoms (in order to be diagnosed with OCD officially, it needs to cause me distress, and I’m happy to be pedantic, thank you), my depression and anxiety, my panic attacks and even a little about my background.

I talk here about my fears, my anger and how I’m overcoming limits in my everyday life. I came to create redefinition alchemy not by choice, but because I could no longer live the life I was living. I couldn’t go on in that state, with the perceptions I had.

More and more often I have been hearing comments that I’m so open about my experiences, that people wish more openness existed.

However, I feel I should tackle this mis-perception.

I am not open about the experiences which have heavily impacted my mental health.


The Appearance of Openness

It’s quite sad that people think to talk about depression makes someone brave. That means it’s still such a taboo.

It’s sad to realise that people think it’s special to talk about fear – something every human experiences.

Why is this not normal?!

I appear open because society thinks these things are abnormal (at best) or taboo to talk about.

I think it’s normal to discuss them, because I have my own list of taboos.

I have experiences so much worse than the ones I share here, that these mentioned scenarios are nothing in comparison.

I’ve written so many posts I never publish. If you think I’m being special to talk about my fear of the dark? Wait until you see the story about someone threatening to kill me when I was 14.

You think it’s a big deal that I write about panic attacks? If only you knew the two experiences which caused them.


Normality

Society, as I have grown up knowing it, sees norms as abnormal, and will go to any length to find difference in a race of beings who are the same.

Do you think mental health problems are abnormal?  

1 in 4 people have them.

Do you think emotions are something only you feel? Does any human never feel fear or anxiety about anything?

All humans have the brain areas which cause chemicals causing emotions.

Do you know how many people have the deep stories of traumatic experience within them?

I bet every person has at least one.

These are conditions common to humans. And it’s been shown that talking helps.

So WHY can’t I talk about them? Why, people of 2012 do we not allow people to tell their story?

We in the Western world who condemn slavery and the separation based on race or gender – why is that wrong but mental wellness and mental illness are split down the middle?

Why is it inappropriate for me to say “yes, I’m afraid of cars – someone once threatened to crash the car with me in it, and even today I don’t know why he was upset”?


A Shift in Acceptance

Looking back at last week’s post; WHY must I be okay to drive just because John Smith likes driving cars and he’s my age?

Why can I not share that story with other humans?

Why won’t you speak out?

Are you so afraid to speak up?

I am afraid. But I’m standing up now.

And no, I won’t talk about the other incident or the other diagnosis. But I can tell you that every human being in the world has some experience of trauma, and that as I define it, every single person has experienced abuse.

 

So why don’t we take the time to change the stigma around mental health?

I’m ready to be heard.

Are you ready to listen?

– Rose –

Misplaced Sensitivity: A Black and White World

A couple of weeks ago, I talked about the balance of “freedom of speech” (which my father uses as a reason to be rude to people) and of “not causing others avoidable harm”, including emotional or mental upset.

I recognise that I cannot save every person from hurt, that negativity can shape positive futures and that people may need wake-up calls which require harmful comments in some cases. However, I do not wish to harm anyone, and working in mental health seems to have brought my sensitivity up to maximum.

This has been a major effect of my redefinition – of defining myself by compassion and openness instead of “needing to be right”.

 ~ ~ ~

Last week, I posted a blog entry about my grandfather, who has Alzheimer’s Disease. I wrote it as an explanation for my mopey behaviour on twitter and because I still aim to share neuroscience-related information.

However, it was picked up for Freshly Pressed a feature, and I received thirty-six comments on it, including a few stating “the cause is X” and “here’s how to avoid it completely” as if anyone knew for sure ALL of the possible factors which cause it or worsen it.

I wouldn’t say I’m patient, but I’ve always thought of myself as open-minded and can generally ignore people I disagree with.  However, reading comments which, to me, said “he could have avoided it simply” made me feel both sick and angry.

What upset me most, were the sweeping generalisations people made.


Levels of Care

From the age of 11, I found my emotional on/off switch. I experienced depression. I could not understand people being upset over earthquakes around the world, or people being upset by insults – they’re just words, after all. I had a very dull sense of emotional caring and a very high sense of right and wrong: a black and white view.

I still struggle in some cases to recognise the “joke too far”, which I assume all people experience on occasion. There is a sense of joking, and of pointing out things in others which I don’t agree with.

However, a few particular triggers have occurred in the last couple of weeks which have really brought to light my raised sensitivity. This is an exercise in making sure I’m on track in my redefinition process, and i’m noticing sensitivity higher than I was “aiming” for.


Newspapers

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been reading newspaper articles online. There were a couple which broke free from stigma, where people expressed “they knew it was irrational, but still feel X and they weren’t sure how to resolve that.”

The Response?  Comments on the article included people saying its “hilarious” that someone is upset over a trivial thing or that they are being manipulative by expressing their feelings.

That doesn’t sit well with me. Perhaps its realising just how much hurt people have caused by those comments – how the second half of my childhood was traumatised by that kind of behaviour.

Perhaps it’s because of the judgement, that even though the person has explained why they feel like it, the reader seems to have forgotten to LISTEN, to actually read and feel and understand. Who reads someone else’s view and thinks “Pfft, loser.” Surely I’m not the only human to read that and think “Woah, how did they reach that conclusion? What forms that opinion? How must they feel?”

If someone says “I recognise my feelings are over the top, but I feel sad about this. I know it’s not shared, but I’m human and I feel this”, I respect that person. They’ve fought through the stigma of “remaining silent”. They’ve done the mental work; they’ve recognised it would seem inappropriate to be openly upset and that upsetting others by their feelings isn’t going to help.

And they’re brave enough to be honest about those feelings regardless.


Not Just Content

Another incident involved a particular wording of a newspaper article’s title. The comments about misrepresentation were high, and I agree with that. However, the comments instantly targeted a new misrepresentation; instantly making the same mistake but just with someone else’s label, not theirs.

Comments saying “this title suggests X group are causing harm. In actual fact, It’s Ys fault, Y are harming people because they THINK those people are Xs” were common.

Who said Y is the ONLY cause of this harm? Who said that ALL Y groups do this? How dare you complain X are being stigmatised and then stigmatise Y.

It just doesn’t sit well with me. I’d call that hypocrisy and I even got involved in the comments to express this view.

~ ~ ~

In this incident, people were also defining “child abuse” as part of their comments. Up arose the black-or-white teachings of my childhood and the rage that these people were attributing certain acts as “not really abuse”, when I know people who are traumatised and unable to live “normally” because of those actions.

If you are causing negativity to someone else with intention, that is deliberate harm and thus abuse in the dictionary and my opinion.  That covers smoking near someone else, yelling at someone, calling someone names, using someone’s past against them and withholding something they need (neglect).

Yet I found very quickly that saying “well they called you a stupid woman, that’s verbal abuse” in the open gives you “don’t be ridiculous. It’s just a comment”. Why is hitting a child wrong but telling them off for crying “too loudly” not. Why is that person harassing you by commenting on your clothes but if they call your idea “ridiculous”, it’s not?


Judgement at Home

However, this realisation is not limited to online news stories. I’m living back with my parents. With the judgmental man who sees in black and white, and will openly profess his instant judgement. He’d yell at you for saying yelling is abuse; and come out with some “fact” that “everybody with sense knows” that is total horse-shit (not factual, just his opinion).

I grew up in a world where the world was black or white; and where he was always right, and everyone else was lacking. Through countering this, through trying to teach myself compassion, I’ve found that stepping outside of ym bedroom causes me rage and suffering on behalf of others who just shrug and accept life as “freedom”.


Your Thoughts

Much like the person from the newspaper article, I recognise this isn’t what society may call “normal”. This is me reading my own map and trying to work out if I wish to continue on this path; if these reactions are what I want – because I’m judging those people who make the comments.

It has brought to light a particular issue and while I take time to look it over in my own space, I’d like to know your views and thoughts:

How do you deal with drawing a line between freedom of speech and harming others?

What do you use to guide your choices in what is or is not appropriate?



– Rose –

 

Want to investigate your own beliefs? As phoenix rises from ashes into flame, the alchemist turns lead to gold.

Wander over to the Alchemy Forge and let’s fire up your thoughts. 

Alzheimer’s Disease ~ No Scientist with all the Answers

Last July, I wrote the beginnings of a post on Alzheimer’s Disease. I found out during my graduation that my granddad was going for tests to see if he had it.

That was over a year ago, and that post is still sat in my drafts document; with all the details of senile plaques being toxic to neurons and theories of neurofibillary tangles helping balance out oxygen levels…

I’ve gone back to it so many times, but I didn’t take any courses in dementia or aging – I know the brain regions and I know how chemicals affect neuronal structure.

But “severe loss of life”, I do not know about.

And I’ve found I really don’t want to know.

 

Emotional Reactions

I think of myself as a scholar and a seeker, I’m intrigued by life, keen to understand the world and to create my own senses through writing.

I’m not sure I can even entertain the idea of being slave to a condition “which strips away your living self a bit at a time.” (Terry Pratchett)

But there I was yesterday, sat next to the man who used to laugh, to go on and on about being hospitable to others and providing a service for your neighbours. The man who hiked up mountains until a few years ago and who told me I should do whatever it was that made me happy – countering every other male in my family who went on and on about getting A-grades.

He is the only decent male role model I’ve ever had, and he is fading.

The man sat next to me yesterday was depressing, picking up on negatives which weren’t there, focusing on how “I seem to have another qualification but no one wants to employ me” and talking about how there’s no point being here when everything in his body is falling apart. (I only finished at University last Thursday, I’m not worried about not having a job yet).

And then he spoke, looking at me, trying desperately to remember my name.

Last night, I dreamt of writing to Terry Pratchett; despite his particular variant meaning he can no longer read.

 

Knowledge

My granddad does still remember my name, after prompting a few times. This is the early stage, I know. They’ll have assessed the density of the plaques and tangles and judged him “early”. Each time I visit, I see decline, and I’m reminded “it’s only going to get worse”.

They’ve taken him off the Aricept medication, as it caused side-effects to his heart. He’s still able to speak, still able to move his hands and legs, still able to pour drinks and to play croquet with us.

He’s survived skin cancer, a knee operation, eye treatment and is now losing his mind; a little bit each day.

All I find myself wanting to do is to remember every moment with him and to distil those memories of him, and the lessons he wants. I want to make a guidebook for my life with all of his knowledge and beliefs within it… so that he can still give me guidance once he’s no longer there.

~ ~ ~

I was reading Ellie’s post over at The Headologist a few weeks ago, thinking of my granddad as I read each word about the Aricept, the frustration and that sense of loss she felt as Terry would never read a word she had written.

And I realised my grandfather will probably never see my life – he may see it, but he won’t recognise it. I’ll be the first one he forgets; being the youngest (the most recent new memory), the less-often-visiting. He’ll forget my name, and not understand why I tell him about any job I get, any achievements I have… when I tell him I’m happy; that I did what he asked and did something I enjoyed… he’ll wonder why I’m telling him.

If he lives long enough to meet my kids, he will never know them, and they will never know him.

 

The Scientist

I feel I need to know about this. His wife and my mum have both asked what’s happening in his brain, and I could only open a textbook and try to read it out loud, explaining the jargon as best I could.

I don’t want to know, to foresee his future. Yet I do.

Next his speech will go, he’ll lose the ability to perform daily tasks, his long-term memory will start to fade and I will most likely be removed then.

And then, if he survives any falls and lives beyond that, he’ll reach “advanced” and will be able to perhaps use phrases of speech, fall into apathy/exhaustion and no longer be able to feed himself or move.

~ ~ ~

I cannot be a scientist when the only person who has made an effort to be compassionate and just, is leaving me. I cannot explain the biological function of plaques when the main motivation for all my studying and all my work will never see me complete it.

And I will only have memories from when I was too young to understand, to guide me in how to be a decent human being.

 

Mostly though, I’m mourning that he won’t be playing chess again; the game he taught me was the answer to all of life’s problems.

 

– Rose –

Also, this is an important documentary about the problems Terry wanted to look at with Alzheimer’s as a mental deterioration on the topic of Assisted Suicide: http://vimeo.com/25239708

The Alchemy of Reflection

This is the 100th post.  -raises my glass to yours- 

And I’m writing it while my friend’s dog, Roxy, is asleep on my feet. 

 

Redefinition is the process by which we can change the definitions and perceptions of everything in who we are and in our lives. As much of the process revolves around the changes, I wanted to take a step back and talk about the reflection which precedes this change.

How will you know what to change without looking at your current life?

 

Reflecting on Feelings

I’ve begun to notice my reactions to people’s comments; particularly any negative feelings when given a compliment or any out of proportion emotional response around criticism.

Two phrases have been nagging at my half-conscious mind late at night, and I’ve been untying the conditioning behind each. This me, performing the alchemy on my own thought processes in order redefine my experience:

The first phrase was “that was nice of you”, which filled me with fear. I actively withdrew; trying to shrug it off as no big deal. The second phrase was “You mustn’t let that happen”. I felt a sudden rush to act; almost empowered that someone seemed to think I COULD stop it happening.

 

The first comment brought empowerment. The compliment caused me a lot of discomfort and sadness. Is that how you would have perceived them?

 

Dissecting the Issues

Looking further into the loaded meanings behind each of these seemingly insignificant phrases – I discovered a hidden treasure of conditioned fear, anxiety and pressure. I found such a heavy responsibility behind phrases which seemed so stupid to be triggering such strong emotions in me.

These are the uncovered findings of my fossil hunt:

“That was kind of you”

-          I now have been labelled as kind.

-          Thus I now have pressure to fulfil that label

-          I feel anger at them judging me as one way or other

-          Why is that label imposed on me by someone who doesn’t know me

-          They say it as though it’s abnormal to be kind in that way or that situation – am I so abnormal? Must you point it out? Especially on a public bus?

I’m sure the person who spoke didn’t mean it like that; they meant “That was a nice thing you did.” However, I can also see why I’m scared of it.

 

Similarly, I found my emotions didn’t match the meaning in “You mustn’t let that happen”.

-          I have the power to stop this

-          You’re relying on me to do this

-          There is a duty and responsibility to ensure this does not happen

-          I’m seen as responsible, as talented enough to do this – you’re saying I can do it

 

There’s a lot of empowerment in that phrase, although her tone suggested more of a “You’ve let that nearly happen, that’s wrong, stop it, now!”…

 

In finding the positive; this is an act of redefinition I automatically do now. I’ve turned a criticism of my current behaviour into a motivating forward step. However, it has had that negative side of mis-interpreting positive comments.

 

The Space to Question

Humans are very complex and our thought processes are essentially webs connecting everything we know to select bits of other knowledge. The balance will never be met, but each attempt to make my experience positive will train my mind to feel comfortable with whatever people say.

 

Do you ever feel like you over-react to “silly things” or “little things that shouldn’t matter”?

Could you find any hidden meanings which would “substantiate” your responses?

Do you have emotions that don’t always match what people might expect?

How do you deal with those incidents? What do you say to explain them?

 

– Rose –

Self-Development and Speech

Another course of Anger Management began last week. We talked about the motivations each member had for attending the group, and I grinned all the way home at the idea of so many 16-25 year olds I’ve met who were willing to come to a class and face the consequences of their emotions.

I never understood people who didn’t always seek to further their development. I still struggle with it – if you’re life isn’t as it should be, what can you do to take that step forward?


Political Correctness

I grew up around the phrase “political correctness has gone mad” and a lot of shouting about “freedom of speech means I can say what I like!”

And then I came to university, where people get offended, and where I suddenly have to respect everyone. I didn’t see a lot of respect when I was growing up, so this was a shock to me.

The policy of this group is to respect difference – no offensive comments about gender, sex, race, housing situation (e.g. council house and violence, travellers, homeless), sexuality, disability or age. We also try to adhere to a rule of ‘No Generalisations’, generally. I’ve become pretty proficient at picking up on generalisations actually.


The Struggle

I don’t get offended that easily by words (despite my last post). I’m happy with swearing, including being called a c-word, b-word, f-word and so on. It doesn’t bother me to be called them, and I find it odd when other people are upset by it. To me, it’s not discrimination in the way the previous words are.

Being called a “chav” or “gypsy” is a direct negative comment about your actions, who you are, what you do. Being told to eff-off isn’t anything to do with you; it’s about the other person wanting space.

I now get the difference, but it’s taken three years of working in this field to get my head around. Even the c-word isn’t said because you’re female or because you’re male; it’s said because it’s known to hurt you and the aim is to upset. Intrinsically, it’s no different from being called an “elbow”.

Understanding and awareness is the first step. Now I have the new battle to fight; the conflict between being able to say what I want (freedom of speech) and have other people say what they want… and respect my new lesson that no one should be upset by it.


The Phone Conversation

One of my strong views relates to parenting, as children are a big motivator for me. I want to teach and to guide; which ultimately leads all my self-development to be “training” for helping others. I sat behind a woman on the phone on the bus home from running the first class; and she said:

“Well you better make sure it’s done by the time I get home, okay? Or else I’ll get really mad.”

No wonder these young people arrive at anger management believing it’s bad and they’re bad people for getting angry! I could feel my own anger rising, my sense of injustice, and even some dislike for the woman who is causing her child to develop certain feelings for a natural emotion.

Her wording also bothered me. I speak a lot about language and how important different words are. I could understand “If it’s not done i’ll feel angry because you lied/I needed it done/ it means our relationship doesn’t mean as much to you” but that’s not what it sounded like to me.

It suggests to me “I will hurt you” – be that harm emotionally making you feel guilt, shame, sadness or verbally calling names (useless, trying to cause trouble) or even physical violence.

Who threatens another human being? I don’t get it.


My Views Arise

“I don’t believe it is acceptable to treat another person in that way.”

Last week I said “how dare she exist in that way of treating people.”
I’m noticing a trend in my world view. And Ben (the therapist at Anger Management) says, anger can be triggered by “any threat to a view we hold dear”.

I see people upset by drink-drivers, by animal-abusers, by child-abusers but somehow it’s okay to call other adults names, especially if you’re a different sex/race/age and it’s okay to use lying, verbal abuse and mental manipulation to get what you want?

I grew up in a black and white world, and I can’t understand these shades of grey people have created.


Understanding leads to Acceptance

I don’t understand humanity. I’ve done a psychology degree, I’ve now attended a total of six anger management courses (five co-facilitating) and I’ve gone on to work in mental health to get my head around the mental aspect.

Maybe I understand it too well – that we need freedom of speech but we shouldn’t negatively impact others. Maybe I see why X did Y, but why I’d do Z.

I’m stuck in this limbo between two principles I’m supposed to value; with no idea how I really feel about them; seeming to agree with them at different times.


Your Thoughts

How do you deal with conflicting values?

What are your views on these two subjects – freedom of speech and not hurting others with your speech?

– Rose –

Lessons in Perception from Work-Shadowing

The process of redefinition depends upon a cognitive experience called perception.

Perception differs from each person; conditioned by our experiences of the world and altered by pretty much every occurrence we have.

In March 2010, I attended a work-shadowing placement at an RSPB (bird protection) nature reserve; shadowing the education officer for the reserve. A school came to visit the reserve and my role was to help the students with their activities – from field sketches and worksheets to identifying creatures found while pond-dipping. The students were around 12-14 in age, and one particular incident gave me a sense of the difference in perception.

A peregrine falcon has been nesting within the reserve. This is a rare bird of prey; a predator rarely seen, let alone close up. I have never seen one in the wild; though birds of prey are my interest and I have tried many times to see them.

The mallard duck is the commonest duck in Britain; as far as I know. Any village pond, town square, river or lake has these ducks in abundance; and I know that every student here had seen a mallard duck, and I doubt any of them had seen a peregrine falcon on a nest.

However; upon climbing to high ground to look over the wetlands; someone spotted a duck and looked on their chart to see its name.

 “A Mallard!”

Instantly the entire group of 15 children got excited; hurriedly turning their binoculars towards the sighting.. or one of the sightings, for their were about 100 of the damned ducks.


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These children would have walked past probably a thousand of these very birds in their hometowns; but staring out half a mile they found a joy in the discovery.

The little egret I spotted (my first ever wild sighting!) was ignored. The peregrine I’d hoped to see never made an appearance; but we found its empty nest, and the children were bored of the idea.

Partly, they were excited by this new name. ‘A mallard’. I bet if one of the teachers had said “it’s a duck; like you get at home”, they would have got excited over the egret instead (rarer than a duck).

Their perception of the experience was to go to this special reserve and see a brown-ish bird in the distance with a cool name.


‘Normalcy’

However, my upbringing and idea of “normalcy” feeds into my own perception, which caused them to be happy and me to be unhappy, in this instance. I valued two rare birds, wanted to share this love with the next generation and was beaten by a common duck.

I’m aware of things I’d say were “boring and normal” which would excite others. Badgers eat food out of the patio bowl; just a metre from our dining room windows. They actually bore me now; but most of Britain is enraptured by the idea that these creatures live in our countryside, and long to see them in real life rather than on television.

However, I’ve only seen a squirrel in my garden once, in over a decade. I still get excited seeing squirrels – and they’re as common as ducks in the general community. For me though, growing up near no squirrels but with foxes and badgers in our garden and a lake nearby with ducks and swans, squirrels are an amazing creature I consider a rare sight.

Similarly, this April I saw long-tailed tits and a nuthatch in our garden – both common British garden birds, though they’d never been seen in my garden before. My perception causes me to be excited by these occurrences.


The Lesson

Knowing that this is the reason for my sudden annoyance or my joy, means that I can be more patient with those children, and to even see the wonders in animals I’ve come to see as “normal”.

Mallards do have beautiful wing colours, and badgers has a wonderful way of moving.

Is there something that always bothers you about others? Could it be a difference in perception?

I find it helpful to remember a lesson my partner taught me:

“Just because it’s different, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.”

The world is full of differences and the many views are what makes it so colourful.


Your Thoughts

Is there something that always bothers you about others?

What situation would make you act of they act?

Could it be a difference in perception?

How could you change your perception?

– Rose –


As phoenix rises from ashes into flame, the alchemist turns lead to gold.

Do you need to shine up your dreams and set alight your passions again?

The Alchemy Forge is open and fired up for business; check out the options for shining up your words, redefining your perception and recharging your fire!

Finding Balance: Redefinition and Conditioning

I am in a constant state of redefinition. I came out of a house as an angry, verbally aggressive, closed-minded, negative, aversive person who took everything personally and was terrified of being wrong.

I still struggle with anger, anxiety and fear. I still struggle to be wrong, and I can still be very strong minded about certain views. The difference is that those views are now relatively well-researched from both sides.

 

Transitions

I came to university and met people who didn’t use fear and aggression to make others submissive to them. I discovered the people I grew up around are not right 100% of the time. I found out that being wrong did not get me hit, yelled at, or threatened.

During April, I spent three weeks back in my hometown. As the final week rolled around, I noticed the highly judgemental, defensive and quite angry comments whirring round my head again; conditioning I thought I’d broken free of, had been triggered.

When I returned here to Brighton, I feel safer amidst my supportive systems. Co-facilitating anger management courses keeps my own emotions under watch, working in the hospital keeps my life in perspective and my friends here continually give me options to meet them.

 

Conditioning Re-Arises

Three weeks back, however, I made myself sick with anxiety. I had mini-panic attacks for three days without an obvious trigger. I felt sick, experienced vertigo for the first time in my life, and struggled to process sensory information.

I had a week full of exciting, wonderful experiences lined up, and I had to miss half of them. I took my first ever day off sick for mental health reasons. And beneath my reluctance, I found guilt, judgement and stigma.

These underlying feelings were so persuasive, I had to really emphasise the vertigo – the nausea and dizziness, as physical symptoms, in order to admit that I was unwell.

 

Job Roles and Patterns

I grew up in a space where mental health was negative, and using it as a reason was termed an “excuse”. Then I came to Brighton, and found that I agreed with the science, the case studies I saw and the reflections upon my previous mental health experiences – there was something concrete in mental health, and it had a right to be valued.

In Brighton, I work with those who have or have experienced ill mental health. I do not think they are weak or bad, and my time is spent actively encouraging people to value mental health as a part of physical health.

Listening to my inner feelings, I really do believe that mental health issues are as valid, if not more valid, than physical – as they are present in both and can cause physical symptoms. Yet as I was given two days off work; from jobs in mental health, I found the stigma rising.

 

The quiet voice began as a “you’re being silly, letting them down for no reason”, and by the end of the day, it had turned into a raging anger; a guilty voice of injustice. In my weaker state; deprived of food and sleep, my conditioning arose and I couldn’t access the tools to redefine it.

 

The Next Step

Now, however, I am able to reach those tools. I’ve been questioning the language I use, and how I react to what others say and do. I’ve reflected on this stigma, and I’m taking a while to unpick where I’ve learned those conditioned reactions from.

This is the space where I can also utilise the tools for dealing with arising conditions; setting up safe spaces within my days. This week, I’m slotting in a shopping trip, a night at the pub and a visit to my friend. I have work to do, but I’m deliberately providing myself with supportive systems, while I internally deal with this old pattern.

And if I encounter it again, I hope that I’ll be able to reach out to the tools I have available to me.

 

Questions for Thought

What do you find when you come out of your conditioned state?

How do you deal with stigma and old views you no longer believe in?

What is your next step, following a trigger of old conditioning?

 

– Rose –

 

As phoenix rises from ashes into flame, the alchemist turns lead to gold.

Are you feeling heavy, dull and in need of a smith? Let me help you to shine up and set you alight with your passion again.


The Alchemy Forge will be opening later this week, so keep an eye out!