The Disappearance of Personality

Mar5

I’ve spoken before about my grandfather, and his Alzheimer’s Disease, but as with all stories, changes and new instalments occur.

Last I wrote, they were taking him off the Aricept. That was less than two months ago.

Last weekend, my parents saw him. He seemed well in general, until he asked after me, when he insisted he’d never been told that I have a partner.

He has met my other half several times over the last 6 years – but according to his brain, he had never heard of this, and asked what he’s like, and whether we would marry.

I wondered if he had forgotten my O.H because that little pathway is inaccessible.

But the fact that I’m with someone, might have stuck.

It seems not only has he forgotten the most important person in my life, but he’s forgetting more of me every day.

I cannot explain away that sadness.

My heart broke when I realised he will never know my future. Even if he lives long enough, he’ll never know my marriage, my children. And they would never know him.

Because he’s not just losing his memories of his family.

He’s losing himself.

I’ve talked before about my wish to be a scholar, and how in this topic I just can’t bring myself to understand the science of the disease.

Nevertheless, I told my mum he might have just had a bad day – that loss isn’t linear in this disease. That the protein build up on his neurons shifts every day, and that only specific neurons will have been affected.

But he used to have such a sense of honour, of loyalty; such a love and respect for education, and he used to get everyone out of their chairs to go for a walk, or play tennis, or croquet.

Hell, we played croquet less than six months ago, at his request!

It seems the man my mother had to sit beside knows none of those things.

From my understanding, he’s not supposed to lose his core identity only a year or two into a disease described as “early stages, slow moving”. Not two months after he’s been taken off the medication that only halted it for six months in the first place.

The loss of new events, the inability to find the right words to explain things and the personality differences don’t occur in stage 1.

Which means he’s shifted in stage 2 of a 3 stage process.

And the small child inside who remembers him bouncing me on his knee has realised:

I’ll never get him back.

Taking Business Advice

Jan29

sorcha 001 This blog began as a business idea. I was making money through classes and my offerings, and writing about my journey as I went. Then I shifted focus to worksheets and building my brand.

I read the books, though about how much I needed some form of income to support my studies.

The focus fell on “getting visitors” and “constant income”. I read business books and followed advice that sounded sensible. I copied other formats and tried out things I’d seen work.

And now I’m here, end of January 2013, with a library of free resources, a store of services and products; and affiliate links to products I believe in.

Recognising Energy

My new job pays me just enough. I was very happy with the pay rate, though I hear others around the office say it’s not enough to live on. As I’ve only had one full payday, and they messed up my tax code; I currently don’t have enough to live on (thankfully I have savings).

Two weeks ago, I came home to see a little “hey, here’s some affiliate money” email and felt a tiny pressure release. Someone had paid for my groceries for that week by buying something they wanted.

In that moment, I wondered if I should try to up the ante again; to get back to teaching regular classes and to promoting the hell out of my website again; to writing the monthly newsletter for another year.

My tax code won’t get sorted until April now, and they’re not well-known for processing things quickly, so it may take as long as June-July to actually get back the money they owe me.

But then, I recognised that I didn’t like that stuff. And I don’t have the energy to do a 10 hour day, drive, cook, clean, and wind down in order to sleep PLUS running the blog as a business again.

Finding Purpose

This blog began as a platform to share my learning, help others and make trickles of income. All of which I’m doing by just writing the blog posts, which is something I love doing.

All the business advice says to have a newsletter, to offer discounts in a “members-only” area, to promote and to revise everything until it’s amazing.

And right now, I don’t have the balance right in my life to commit to that.

So the newsletter is stopping. The member’s only area will be filled with little extras as and when I find the energy for them. I’ll likely begin posting about social work as I experience it, and the neuroscience side will focus on development; because that’s the information I’ll be using at work.

That’s the learning I’ll be living every day. And that’s what this platform started as – a way for me to live what I learned during my neuroscience degree, and to share that so others could live it too.

– Rose –

Star-Seeking: The Break Down

Jan22

Reaching for potential, I have three main goals for 2013. Last year I spent time breaking them down and weeks explaining them… and then forgot about them.

This year, I’ve ignored January in terms of my goals so that I can settle into my new job and focus on making sure I can pay the rent. Now I’m feeling more settled, I wanted to break down my 3 focuses into manageable and measurable tasks.

Reduce Excess

I don’t remember when I began the journey toward minimalism, but as I’ve now nearly finished moving out of my parent’s house, I can safely say it’s going well. I still have more than I wish I had; but it’s certainly in progress. It all fits in a one-bed flat and I’ll be working to keep only what I use in my new role as a worker, a woman, a twenty-something-year-old.

I’m also going to reduce the “laziness” and junk food, perhaps cutting down on certain foods or by creating new meals and exercise routines. Either way, I’m reducing my intake of bad things, as well as bringing new patterns into my life.

Action Points:

- Every ‘thing’ must ‘fit’ comfortably in my flat. If not, something’s got to go. Check every 3 months for “excess”.

Creation

I want to get back to creating as a regular practise – be that art and crafts, meditation, or bringing about new patterns into my life. I’m hoping to get back into my old exercise routine and increase the healthy snacks before cutting down on the negative pieces.

My proposed exercise is simple – to dance and do yoga, to do a few strength-building practices and get outside, walking once a month at minimum (it seems having a car has completely removed my ability to go for a walk).

Having co-run meditation sessions for nearly four years, I want to get back to regular meditation. It helps me feel more balanced and gives me the mental strength to handle my feelings, particularly with my job, not just reading files of abuse, but meeting families themselves.

2 & 3 & 4

- Jan – March = settling in, get meditating once a week. Write novel / draw / dance for an hour a week.

- April – June = increase good food. Start regular strength exercise.

- July – September = Reduce sugary food and get outside once a month

- October – December = Find exercise outside of my home, and reduce processed food

Learning as a Scholar

Once more, I want to embrace that vision of myself as a bookworm, nerd and scholar. I want to learn about the quantum physics behind the oxygen I breathe, the neuroscience behind the effects of caffeine and gain general knowledge about the world around me.

Two weeks ago, my manager said she’d picked me for the job because I seemed to be a “sponge” able to pick up knowledge and skills quickly.

I was rather chuffed by the comment!

Part of understanding my world includes my faith and the stories of this country, of my ancestors. This is where my OBOD home study course comes in. I want to know myself; why I am who I am and why I believe what I do. What my predecessors believed and why. This links back to “take a walk once a month”.

5 & 6

- Read two books a month

- Read at least one OBOD lesson a month (even if it takes longer to do the exercises

- Watch 4 ‘factual’ programmes a month

So those are my measurable goals for 2013. And if I start to forget, I have my themes to at least keep me on track.

I am heading for potential and improvement; seeking the stars.

– Rose –

Creating Potential: Giving

Dec4

dec 003 I talk a lot about ‘potential’ in this blog.

But what is potential, in terms of your every day life?

In 2010, I was a University student, realising that the lessons from my parents were not the only way to live.

At the beginning of the year, I made a pledge to donate money to charity. I grew up with my mother buying brooches and out of special charity catalogues. And with my father saying how expensive the items were in them; or how she didn’t need another brooch.

Stop Waiting for Destiny

A couple of weeks ago, I found a blog post that made me think about that choice. I’m in my early 20s, and I’ve never been taught about the importance of spending, saving and giving. It reminded me that I need to teach myself, and I made that first step back in 2010.

There is nothing to suggest I couldn’t teach myself to give – nothing saying I did not have the potential to be one of those people who gifts.

Last month, I received my WWF “thanks for adopting an animal” update pack – my other half adopted a snow leopard (or some) for my birthday. It reminded me of the post I wrote in 2011, where I was trying to teach myself to give.

I seemed to be reading blogs by people who give their time and money, because they want to. For a while, I think I actually waited for that feeling to arise. I waited to become compassionate, and to want to give.

And then I realised I have to stop waiting, and to make it reality. I have to teach myself to be compassionate in this particular way – to value other’s homelessness over that new book I wanted.

Steady Income

Because I don’t have a steady income, I asked for someone to make a donation for my birthday. I have asked family members to donate to a charity on my behalf again for Yule. I’ve also got a toy to donate to a local Christmas Toy Appeal for children who wouldn’t otherwise have presents.

Through giving in little ways, I’ve found the joy and learned that I want to help people.

Then, something else happened. I got offered a job.

From January, I will have a steady income. And that means I need to learn how to spend, save and give. I was very good at tracking my spending in my first year of university. And then it tapered off.

In two weeks I’ll move into a flat, begin working and have to pay bills, rent, petrol, insurance and learn how to manage all of the different costs.

The Mathematics

For my undergraduate degree, I had student loans.

For my Masters, I only had rent, two bills and food to pay for.

This year I’ll have TV license, 3 bills, internet&phone, insurance, car insurance, petrol, car servicing, rent, credit card payments, council tax, income tax, national insurance tax and student loan repayments*.

*Though the student loan repayment is £39 a month, despite the fact that the interest increases is by over £300 a month.

I found a way to give when I had no income. Now I will have money, I hope I can continue to give; I just need to learn how to balance it. To teach myself the skills I want my future self to have.

I’ll be living on savings until January, and I’ll begin my saving what I can. When the second payslip comes, I can look at my saving, spending and sharing.

I no that I have the potential to create a cushion of savings, still afford food, and give to those in need.

What could you potentially do or become?

What’s the first step to creating that future you?

– Rose –

Noticing in Alchemy: Lists

Nov20

Redefinition Alchemy is heavily-dependent upon noticing.

If I don’t realise I’m angry at something, I can’t stop myself being angry about it.

If I feel okay as I am, I won’t make an effort to change.

And alchemy is all about changing something – a thought, perception, experience or action.

The Reading Habit

In 2009 I realised I had no idea which books I had and hadn’t read out of the 200 in my bookcase. So I began writing down every book I finished reading, with a note about how much I enjoyed it.

I’ve always loved reading, and think of myself as an avid reader.

But for the year of 2011, I read a total of 12 books. In my mind, that doesn’t mean an “avid” reader. That’s a “reader”.

I could see that in 2010, I’d read 26.

So this year, I made the goal to read 26 books again – that’s one a fortnight.

By July, I’d read 19. Feeling chuffed, I turned my attention to my dissertation, and then my reading ended, until last week, when I had to force myself to get back into the reading process. I have 5 weeks to read another 4 books.

Through taking these notes, I became aware that the label was no longer true, and that I wanted to get back into a habit that I knew sustained me.

The Writing Habit

In 2009, I also began the challenge for National Novel Writing Month; to write 50,000 words of fiction in 30 days. This involved keeping a track of your daily word-count.

This year, however, I’ve taken it a step further. Rather than knowing I can write 7,000 words of fiction in a day, I’ve take notes about how long I spent writing.

In 2009, I found I could write about 1000 words in 45 minutes.

This year? Those 7000 words were written in less than 4 hours throughout the day. If you’re interested, I update my progress, including the charts and graphs depicting my words-per-hour statistics here.

Taking Notes

So now, I’m finding other ways to notice, to take notes and to build on my own understanding. I write to-do lists, talk in my monthly newsletter about my goals, and try to keep track of how I’m feeling during each of these times.

When I know a month has been tiring and stressful, I can look at my lists – did I read any books, meditate, write, talk to my best friend, take my iron tablet or exercise?

If I didn’t, why not. In previous months, did it help to do those things?

Tracking

Throughout taking notes, I’m able to plot the way my brain and body work, and can steer my actions towards the future self I want to create.

I know that “the-me-in-three-years” enjoys reading, still writes and is relatively fit (ideally). So that means I need to read, write and exercise now.

If you’ve ever tried to make goals like these, you’ll know it’s easier said than done. But through tracking my progress and noticing patterns, I can give myself the motivation I need, and pick times of the day when I know I’ll get the most out of the new habit.

How do you keep track of your behaviour?

Do you have any goals you still haven’t met?

– Rose –

Alchemy Tools: Imagination

Sep11

Alchemy tools involve making a map of your future, or using your imagination to create.

Do you have a dream?

I didn’t. And that makes it very hard to picture my future.

I have no career calling to me, and thus looking at job adverts is like looking over a menu where all of the food includes something I “don’t mind” and nothing I truly love. Nothing jumps out at me and I can’t make a choice.

The Map and Compass

It’s clear to me that without a direction, without any idea of where we want to be, we can be lost. Without a destination, we can’t access or even create a map.

However, I’ve begun to pick out future events I’d like to happen. I can picture me-in-five-years, and she has a house, she’s got a child on the way and she’s writing her novel. I can’t tell if the novels are her full or part-time work, but they’re there.

Through knowing I want children one day, jobs working with children have begun jumping out at me – at least I can learn to be a parent by working with other people’s children.

Through knowing my novels are important enough to still be in my life in five years time, I know it’s important to devote time to writing now. If I stopped writing completely, I wouldn’t be that “me-in-five-years” who is a writer. And I know I want to be that future writer.

Our imagination is a wonderful tool in the journey of redefinition. You can redefine your future by acting in certain ways now. And the best part is: no one can read your mind. So you can redefine life as it happens to you, too.

Imaginary Panic Weasels, Redefined

Ellie Di of The Headologist talks about anxiety and worries as “the panic weasels”.

She defines panic as: “a dozen weasels. Now put them in a dog crate. Now give them PopRocks and Coke, shake vigorously, and open the door. That’s what happens to my brain, my heart, and frankly, my whole day when overwhelm and stress meet in a shower of shit I just can’t handle.”

And for me, it’s similar. Last week I had three cases of panic weasels in three days. I was stressing about an interview, the dentist and then I couldn’t find my mp3 player.

The panic set in as I did NOT want to walk four miles to the dentist and back with a painful face/head/mouth, let alone without music to distract me and keep me calm.

Enter the Ferrets

Thinking of a crate of weasels running around the safe space in my head, I got to work on my imagination. I sprinkled them with water until they hid in a corner. I put up cardboard barricades which led from the wall to the patio doors. When they left, I tried to shut the doors, and when they tried to get back in, my future pet ferrets guarded the door.

I had no idea I had inner ferret guardians until Ellie gave me the tool to frame my anxiety as a weasel. But the imagery really works for me. And that means you can cultivate ferret guardians as well.

A Tiny Bit of Science

Your brain can’t tell ‘reality’ from imagination.

A study mentioned in The Secret talks about athletes running a race in their imagination, where their body still released chemicals and the brain wires needed to use muscles still activated.

“The mind cannot tell the difference between an actual, ‘real-life’ event and a vividly imagined one” – Dr. Denis Waitley

In more mundane life, when you watch a scary movie, you experience real fear.

When you imagine running into that person you like, you feel the butterflies in your stomach. When you see the panic as weasels, you can pick them up by their tails and chuck them out, or you can visualise ferrets chasing them away for you.

The calm that follows? It’s the brain’s way of saying “phew!” because the anxiety is gone from conscious thought.

And it’s in your control.
How about you give it a go.

Could you use your imagination to redefine yourself today?

– Rose –

Want to access alchemy tools like this for yourself? Head over to the Alchemy Forge to find out what’s on offer.

The Sensation of Injustice

Mar26

I had a post ready to put up today, but something has been nagging at me this week, and I want to talk about that instead. I’d love any feedback on this topic, and I do not wish to offend anyone with my thoughts, opinions and feelings.

The Gap

If you’ve been following my blog over the past month, you’ll know that I had this life plan, from the head of a 14-year-old, this plan evolved and as of March 16^th, that plan has been disrupted.

Since then, I’ve been trying to find a new life direction, or at least a detour to fill this void.

In the last week, a few major things have happened in UK politics. The roads and national health service are being privatised. The railways were privatised years ago and are now thought to be the worst in Europe for cost and efficiency. Over the past three years, the scandals have risen, the promises have been broken and the idiots in control have blocked out the people’s voice.

The new NHS plans involve giving less time to patients, giving the cheaper medicines that may not work for that condition out, councils will be in charge of health campaigns and health professionals will be doing the accounts, not seeing patients.

On a more personal note, a group that I had high respect for put out an offer a couple of weeks ago that had catches and led to a friend of mine feeling hurt and angry today. Upon hearing her confusion, her anxiety and stress over the past few days and then today; the sense of injustice as she got the official let-down, I felt hurt and angry for her.

Protest

I have only ever taken part in three acts of protest beyond the signing of a petition.

- I bought RATM’s song for the Christmas 2009 fight against the business model of X-Factor.

- I added my voice to the Occupy Wall Street campaign in Brighton and wrote about it on Occupy the Cloud.

- I’ve followed this NHS story for the past year, signing petitions, sharing the protest dates and watching the live reports.

Values

As a mental health worker, I have been taught to be transparent. We do not go behind people’s backs when breaking their confidentiality. We do not lie or hide aspects of a decision. We share information with someone the moment we have it and it’s safe to do so. As an organisation involved in mental health, I’d assume the same transparency, honour and truth from them.

My own personal values are of honour, of keeping your word, of practising what you preach. And it hurts to see that 90% of adults I know of do not share those values. Lies, business models and corruption are the laws the people in the western world seem to live, and it disgusts me.

I cannot be proud of this country until someone shows me that they deserve my respect. It seems that each time I try to break my conditioning and believe that humans are capable of honesty and compassion; I find the hidden agenda, the business model which deliberately harms the people around me.

In this instance, the group seemed to be fair up until now; so my default position was of a mistake, of misunderstanding and of miscommunication. But upon seeing the facts, it’s just so unlikely that there were changes outside their control they couldn’t apologise for. It most likely was a pre-planned deception.

Compassion

This year I’ve made it a goal to understand this battle inside me; of balancing compassion with my conditioning about the world being a cruel place. In March 2010, I began blogging over at Wings of Flight, and I found a few American, French and Canadian people who were running their own businesses focused on helping others. In this, I found hope.

In each protest against the big society, the NHS changes, the privatisation of our forests, our roads, our services, the loss of our community, our jobs, our support, and our education I see the hope: Each time a human being stands up and strikes back.

How can I protest against a small action made by a single member or few joint members of an organisation but to call them out on it?

I’ve been with them for a couple of years and so my first impression was a mistake. Yet, people who make mistakes should apologise. They should make an effort to amend them.

The Path

If there was some way each of us could be our own hero, to stand up for the small injustices so we feel strong enough to rise up against the large ones, I would rejoice.

The more I live in this decaying world devoid of morals above the managerial level, the more I realise that my purpose here is to fight for those who can’t fight for themselves.

I’m neither police officer nor a lawyer, but I have this inner fire which tells me I can’t sit here while the people around me are screwed over.

I don’t know how yet, but I know that I have to do this; or I’m not worthy of being a human being.

Questions for the Comments

My current response to injustice is anger. As a co-facilitator of an Anger Management course, that can be useful, but I’d like to add more tools to my kit.

How do you deal with injustice?

Do you speak to the person directly, file a complaint, sit and stew, meditate, find the deeper value, talk to others about it?

If speaking to them doesn’t help, what’s the next step?

Do you sign petitions?
Would you attend protests if you had the time/money to do so?

Do you believe in your country/organisation despite being screwed over time and time again?

How do you, as a human being in an unjust world, face the day?

Because I can’t see how 7 billion people manage it, and I’d love to know the secret.

– Rose –

Tuesday Titbit – Week 16: The Conscious Self & Free Will

Feb21

It’s the end of Week Six. I’m waiting for the ethics forms for my dissertation, I’m officially inducting people into the role I begun in January and I’m now carrying out work as a Mental Health Support Worker once a week. This week, Sensory and Motor Functions covered Blindsight; which was pretty much too complicated for me to understand, let alone explain. In Neuroscience of Consciousness we discussed the “self” and “free will”. I passed my neuro-anatomy exam with a first: 72% (highest mark of the whole course) and I wish it had been worth a lot of the degree (it was worth 2.7% of the degree). I also posted a rather reflective blog about last week’s placement at the hospital which I feel is important to share. So, here goes for today’s top ten facts, with a little discussion question at the end: - There are 50 billion neurons, which each talk to 2000 others, in our brain. - There’s a theory that we all have phantom limbs… it’s just that ours correspond with our real limbs. - If one person is asked to memorise 4 numbers and another person memorise 8; if both are offered either chocolate cake or fruit salad, the one with 8 will go for cake because the executive mind is too busy remembering numbers to go “wait, we’re on a diet, it’s bad for you” to override the body (which according to our lecturer says CAKE CAKE CAKE all the time). - I’m going to remember that excuse for the next time I eat junk food. - The one with 4 numbers has enough room to remember fruit salad is better for you and almost exclusively went for the healthy option. - If a rubber hand is placed in front of you, and your actual hand hidden behind a screen, and both are touched; you sense the fake hand as your own. - When you feel the fake hand is your own; your actual hand’s temperature drops! - And if you make the real hand colder, you’re more likely to think the rubber hand is yours. Even if the rubber hand is a foot away from your actual one. - Although animals are generally considered to have consciousness, they are not thought to have a “narrative self”, so to have a sense of storyline. “I did this, now I’m doing this, then I’ll do that” as it were. - Our brains begin to fire for an action before we have consciously chosen to make it, so before we’ve used our “free will” to decide… Discussion In light of that final point, I have a question for you. A lot of scientists have issues with the brain choosing something before ‘we’, as a “conscious self” have chosen to act. In my view, if it’s MY brain making the choice, it’s MY will; just as my subconscious drives me home on an automated route, it’s still ME driving. However, I really want to understand what the other views are. Do you believe in free will as an experience? Ignoring all religious context right now, in being told that your brain fired to move your arm before you decided to reach for your drink; does that count as “not being free will” to you? Let me know your thoughts in the comments and have a good week. – Rose –

The Language of Self-Love

Feb10

Today I’ve taken off, in order to search other landscapes.You can find me over at Open Roads Coaching; taking part in the Leap into Love series with a post on how our language can affect our perception of love.

“Language controls our perception, our mental life. Turned becomes plunged and boredom becomes fear. Language can control our emotions. And that includes love.”

Head on over to read the rest of this post and to check out the other wonderful entries in the Leap into Love series.

Tuesday Tidbit – Week 12: Dreaming and Energy

Jan24

Week Two. The Twelfth Tuesday Tidbit. Hello Again.

This week I’m back with another top ten things I learnt. Because the courses are all inter-linking this term, I’m unable to really focus on any specific lectures or courses and am really just learning the same thing about rats whiskers in three different ways… and getting confused in the process.

Once more, I’m summarising from four lectures: Sensory and motor functions, Basic neuro-anatomy, Neuroscience of consciousness and Advanced fMRI.

Here they are, pub quiz style:

- There are four states of sleep: Wakefulness, early non-REM, late non-REM and REM sleep.

- Non-REM sleep causes paralysis of the motor system, and cuts off the brain from sensory input.

- A lot of sleep deprivation models are based on animal studies including the rat and fruit fly. These drosophila are put in a centrifugal chamber and continually shook to keep them from sleeping. I’m not sure how they keep the rats awake.

- General Anaesthesia is nothing like sleeping. It is a reversible, chemically-induced coma, and usually there’s a second paralysing agent used in the process.

- Some people in a vegetative state or who are minimally conscious can regain consciousness temporarily if given a SLEEPING PILL. The mind boggles.

- I bet your dreams don’t smell. If they do, please tell me in the comments and then you’re local university/sleep study centre. Seriously.

- The brain (2% of your body) uses 20% of all your energy.

- 60% of this energy is spent on neuronal transmissions

- Most of energy used in neuronal signalling restores ion gradients (89%)

- The brain is the most blood-vesselled of all organs. Each neuron within your brain is only ever a maximum of 20 microns away from a blood vessel.

All those are from two lectures (first six, consciousness and last four from fMRI). Apologies for the statistics-heavy approach and apologies for the lack of vampires. But that fruit fly is cool (and cruel, right?). Next week you’ll get the full week of lecture material – unfortunately I used this week’s Thursday material to cover the gaps in my knowledge.

Do your dreams smell?

Do people change identity randomly and, it doesn’t phase you?

Has anyone here ever had an out of body experience or lucid dreamed?

Let us know your thoughts, your questions and your experiences in the comments section.

– Rose –