This is a long-winded process through my anger with a sense of injustice.
I’m not angry. I’m furious.
We share something. She’s taken more than half.
Then she sent a message that I’m “being unfair” and “tough if I didn’t like it”.
Would that anger you?
As part of my degree, another student and I need to share a single lab room. She has booked it out for 5 hours a day, 3 days a week. For the past month; that’s 60 hours. I’ve booked it for 28 hours in the past month. She was meant to finish getting 30 people by the 22nd. She’s now aiming for 40 [which means I now need to aim for 40] and complained I’ve booked 4 hours on 25th and 26th.
Anger Management Techniques in Action
How. Dare. She.
Why am I upset with these comments?
I need it more than she does (she has more data).
She’s gone over her “half” of room bookings.
She said she’d finish using it by then.
All Lies? I asked her about these; trying to explain why I’d booked it then.
“I have more data because I worked my arse off”.
Wait. You say that as if it separates us. I’m taking this as an insult.
“You’ve booked it for a whole day”
You booked it every day for THREE WEEKS leaving me the slots only after 5pm.
“I decided to get more data so I’m going over my finish date”
And then the final straw:
“I’m going to our supervisor about this.”
WHAT?! You’re telling the playground teacher? HOW OLD ARE YOU WOMAN; SIX?!?!
Conclusion One: You’re a bully and you’re childish.
Anger Becomes Rage
You’re getting more data than me and that justifies ensuring I don’t even get ¾ as much as you?!
You’re going on holiday so are suddenly more important than me?
We had a deal that it was first-come first-serve. You’re going back on that now: when I kept to it even though you were taking more than half the slots in the first 3 weeks?!
At this point, I stepped back and had to breathe. I tried to find the light.
She must be really stressed; maybe she panicked.
No need to insult me, to be rude, to be a bully and tell me I’ll have to deal with it.
And I feel the penny drop as I come to my angry conclusion:
Conclusion Two: You are a dishonourable liar.
Even a memory of Mulan doesn’t break my emotion:
“Dishonour on you, dishonour on your cow!” – Mushu (Video Clip)
New Anger Arises
I’m so STUPID.
I never learn.
She said she was paranoid, I should have realised.
Why do I always get surprised when every human turns out the same; a dishonourable, selfish bully, only interested in their own gain and not a single thought of how they are negatively impacting others.
I’m angry at myself. I have only myself to blame.
And now I’m behind schedule, behind in the amount of data I’m aiming for, and I’m unable to sleep; crying in the darkness at this woman’s horrible cruelty and my own sense of injustice.
As I write this, I’m on twitter, half needing to vent and half wondering if I can access my support systems… and then I see this post on shame. I realise the irony of my shame over not “knowing she’d screw me over”. Shame and self-annoyance over not seeing the future, over being nice to her.
I step back from shame; finding my center again and coming back to the techniques.
As I try to remain detached, to treat this anger as a curious questioning, I realise why I’m so upset.
I feel sick that people who treat others so disdainfully exist in 2012. There is no reason for humans to treat others in this way.
Final conclusion: No human being should be treated like this. I may be 15 years younger than her but I’m not acting like a petulant child.
The anger, I can cope with. I have angry music that specifically calms me down by the end.
Coping with seeing her is my difficult bit. How to not blank her, not punch her, not yell and swear at her. To not tell her how much she needs to grow up. I’m a good actress, but I hate lying.
Over a year of teaching anger management techniques, and I’m still not assertive enough to fully deal with this. I understand my anger, understand my fear – but I don’t know how to deal with this human being who destroys my worldview and backs up my conditioning that the world and the people in it are horrible.
How do you deal with anger?
Do you struggle knowing some people act in certain ways?
What would suggest in this case?
How do you deal with shame?
– Rose –
As phoenix rises from ashes into flame, the alchemist turns lead to gold.
Do you need to shine up your dreams and set alight your passions again?
The Alchemy Forge is fired up!