Back in July, I had an altercation with someone. It wasn’t even an argument; it was purely two people who’d been in each others’ space for too long; and essentially, I didn’t see her again until this October. I apologised to her at the end of the altercation. She did not apologise and resorted to name-calling and swearing, seeing my apology as insincere (I can only assume).

This week, I met her again. I’d been playing out this story in my head; of “I want to glare at her yet I will have to communicate with her but I need to be nice because she still owes me money” and so on.  Yet this week, on the day I often see her, I hadn’t even thought about it.

And there she was, in the queue of the shop as I walked in. She didn’t see me. I could have snuck round the shelves until she left. Except something took over.

I walked over, put a hand on her shoulder and said “Hey, how are you? I haven’t seen you in ages?” and we had a chat; I mentioned the money and she was apologetic.

The Emotions

As someone who leads meditations, and grew up around violence; I’m very intrigued by these… compassionate take-overs.

During a bout of depression a few years ago; I reached a point where I had three weeks of euphoria. I acted kind of normal (which I hadn’t done in a while) and I always answered everything with a grin. Yet *I* wasn’t there; I was watching this girl from behind her eyes as an actress played my part and I got to deal with trauma. I had a lot of energy and it just stopped one day at the end of a consistent three weeks.

The reason I mention this, is because this is how I feel the meeting in the shop went this week.

I’m so full of anger and feelings of betrayal; I feel she crossed a line and I don’t want to be around her influence anymore. However, there was a part of me who saw that girl, not noticing anything around her and so… mindless. And something stronger than my anger took over; pulling out metta.

History

If someone comes to see me, crying, my ONLY response is to hug and feel compassion. It’s a natural state for me; yet I spent so many years in an oppressive household where I was physically and mentally hurt.

In that space, I learnt that crying kills, crying loudly gets you hit and punching walls is the appropriate way of acting.

I then came to University and learnt that the game my father and I used to play when I was 6-10 is the one they often use in “are video games causing violence?” (Wolfstein 3D).

As a Psychology and analytical person, I’m intrigued by my actions; which have come from being an angry, violent young girl, oppressed at school and at home; to someone who meditates and is an initiated Druid; the peacemakers. Despite my upbringing and the labels I used to hold true.

Your Thoughts

I’m mid-way through research compassion in terms of the brain, though I expect it will bring up mirror neurons and theory of mind; but before I write about that, I’m interested in your views.

Would you say that compassion is stronger than anger?

Is it possible to teach yourself to be compassionate?

Or could it be our “natural state”?

Do you meditate or practise pacifism? Do you think the act of compassion and peace/meditation made you feel this way or was it the feelings that caused you to act as such?

- Rose -